Imperfect Order
by Rusting Roses
Summary: With the death of Carson, grief is rampant among the family of Atlantis. When Rodney's past comes up in an unusual way, will it be the saving grace, or will perfect order never be restored? Spoilers up to Sunday
1. Accidental

Well, this is my first Stargate story. It's Rodney-centric, at this point in time, though it will branch out. It's mainly targeting the events of Sunday, and though angsty, will brighten up!

Another thing to note is that having watched the episode 48 Hours (both parts) and the episode Sunday not three days later, they kinda meshed, and I got to wondering why Rodney's never mentioned the piano thing…and well, the plot bunnies attacked from there.

The last thing to note is that since Sunday, about three months have passed. Dr. Keller has formally stepped up as Acting Chief Medical Officer in the past few weeks. The events of Submersion occur after this story, obviously, and time proceeds normally.

Disclaimer: If I owned these characters, I stare at them all day and forbid them to leave the house.

**Imperfect Order**

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**Accidental: A sharp, flat or natural that is not included in the given key**

"_Look, I…I never meant for anyone to get hurt, much less you."_

"_It's okay. We had to try something."_

_His eyes lost some of their focus. "I always wanted to be a pianist."_

"_Excuse me?"_

"_A concert pianist- you know, a guy who plays piano in front of lots of people."_

"_Right."_

"_What did you think I said?"_

_She let loose a peal of laughter despite her pain. "Nevermind."_

"_I had a not so comfortable childhood. My parents hated each other, blamed me. Music was my salvation. It had this perfect order for me," he finished, a breathless laugh that was devoid of humor trailing his words. _

"_That's nice…really." She looked up in confusion, as if questioning his sanity under pressure._

"_When I was twelve, my teacher told me to quit. A fine clinical player, he said, but no sense of the art whatsoever." What he didn't mention was the heartbreak at the loss of the only thing that he had thought himself good at. What he didn't mention was the barbed wire he wrapped his heart in after having his dreams shatter before him._

_She looked uncomfortable. "Why are you telling me this?"_

"_Hospital gowns turn me on," he replied, delivering the perfect amount of snark to alienate himself once more. _And yes, _he thought, _that sounds a lot better than saying 'if we die here, I don't want you to hate me'. _"I turned to science because I thought it would be different from music, but it isn't. It's just the same. It's just as much of an art as anything else."_

_She sighed, though she felt the stirring of pity in her chest, feeling she was understanding the man a little better. "Look, it's not your fault the EM pulse didn't work."_

"_You're an artist, Major. Maybe the best I've ever seen. I'm just critical because I'm jealous."_

"_I'm touched…really. I wish I had a brilliant plan to draw for you."_

"_And you're funny too, even electrocuted. Me? I've got…I've got nothing."_

"_You're creeping me out, McKay."_

"_It's just self-preservation, see? I'm beginning to realize that I'm not going to solve this, and that one of your typically insane ideas is probably going to be our best chance."_

_She was back to business now. "How much time until detonation?"_

_He responded to her seriousness with a curt, "You were right. We cut it almost in half."_

_--------------------_

Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay awoke from his memories when a work- calloused hand was placed on his shoulder. He blinked blearily, unsure of how long he had been staring at his computer screen, and then rubbed his smarting eyes. His brain scrambled to refocus itself, and once righted, in half a second, recognized the feel of the rough palm. A smirk tugged on his lips as he turned to Dr. Radek Zelenka, who promptly yawned.

"I am go to bed," he told Rodney in a tired tone, richly accented voice loosing its normally good grasp of the English language. He lifted his glasses off his face, covering his second yawn with the other hand.

"Really?" Rodney began, confusion furrowing his brow. "But it's only…" he trailed off as he caught sight of the clock on his laptop, before finishing, "Two in the morning?"

Radek raised an eyebrow at the scientist's unusual distraction. "Yes," he informed Rodney gently, "That is why I go to bed. And if you insist on staying, I not be the one to explain to Dr. Weir why you missed tomorrow's meeting. Things are stressful enough around here without rescheduling meetings."

The reaction was cold and immediate.

Rodney pulled his shoulder out of Radek's grip, lips thinning irritably. The engineer immediately regretted the casual observation as Rodney's face turned hard and grim. Radek let loose a stream of Czech insults; already he had blundered, and he hadn't even been in the genius' presence for five minutes.

"Fine. I'll get out of here soon," Rodney responded in a clipped voice.

Radek winced, but refrained from saying anything further. Rodney was not interested in what he called 'hollow insipid automatic responses from those who never understood in the first place'. So instead of kind words, Radek simply smiled softly.

When compared to Rodney, Dr. Weir or Colonel Sheppard, Radek knew that Carson seemed almost outshone. Rodney's brilliance, Colonel Sheppard's easy smile and heroic feats, Dr. Weir's ability to keep the expedition in one piece made it easy to see how the Chief Medical Officer was a little ignored. However, just when it seemed possible that the good doctor would protest the unconscious belittlement, he would grin as if he had won a prize because he had managed to save another life. That made him someone special; someone who would listen to complaints and put them in perspective, someone who knew the needs of his patients before they did, someone who was content being in the background.

Consequently, someone so well loved it was hard to believe he was gone.

All of the Atlantis personnel had felt the loss of Carson heavily, but Rodney, John, Elizabeth, Teyla and Ronon had been in their own ways inconsolable for the past weeks. Rodney snapped at his lab rats indiscriminately, hot temper alienating many of the newer scientists, though the more experienced member of the scientists were willing to allow his temper to slide; their tempers were calmed by the fact that Rodney was looking almost obsessively in any new piece of Ancient technology for signs that the tumors could be reproduced. Sheppard dealt with his guilt by repressing emotion, lashing out at those who suggested he speak with someone. His warm smiles were rare, his frosty glares common. Dr. Weir swamped herself in work, a feeble attempt to prevent herself from questioning every decision she had made the past three years. Teyla could be found unconsciously singing parting songs, or staring off to where New Athos had once been. Ronon was an impenetrable wall of brooding silence that pondered dark matters and trained those who entered the gym with an iron fist.

The worst part was the underlying strain that existed between the five; something indefinable but awkward. Not to mention utterly depressing. Radek only suspected the reason for the tension, but his theory had yet to be confirmed or denied.

Radek's eyes brimmed with tears for both his fallen friend and for those who still struggled, but refused to let Rodney see them. Neither interrupted the silence, and finally the engineer shook his head sadly, patted the astrophysicist on the shoulder and quietly vacated the labs.

Rodney turned back to his computer, a lump rising in his throat. _"Look, it's not your fault the EM pulse didn't work," _rang in his head, the long ago spoken phrase of Sam's bringing no comfort to the room. They eerily echoed Carson's last sentiments, and Rodney buried his head in his hands. _It's not your fault…it's not your fault…It's not your fault…_whispered the room. Furious, Rodney flung a beaker against the wall, where it broke into several pieces, but the voices stopped.

"Of course it's my fault!" he ground out acrimoniously. His hands clenched as he stared at his computer screen. His anger ebbed then faded, leaving him spent. He rubbed his face again. Lips trembled as he muttered, "What's done is done, and it's killing me."

In the quiet of the laboratory, he let a few tears fall, confident that they wouldn't be discovered.

He scrubbed at his eyes a moment later to clear them of all incriminating evidence and sighed heavily. He stared blankly at his laptop screen for a few moments, feeling miserable and hurt. Then Rodney sighed again, and placed his hands flat on the table, staring at his new scars and old calluses without ever really seeing them. His nimble fingers had always had a sense of elegance about them; they were one of the few physical features that Rodney truly liked. They were his pride and joy as a younger man, able to span three past an octave and wire a bomb of any sort in under two minutes.

Sam's words and his idle thought brought his memory to the surface once more, and his fingers began to idly tap the table as his eyes gazed on something unseen. His first meeting with Sam (to be honest, every meeting with Sam to date) had not been one of his finest moments, not by a long shot. The other meetings fell even shorter of the mark. Most would claim that Rodney's issue was the fact that he had been wrong on every occasion. Of course, here in the dim light of the lab, he was able to admit the real reason why he viewed the events with such disgust. He understood now why the first time they met Sam had been so adamant that Teal'c could be, would be saved. It was because he was closer than a friend, more like family.

Rodney understood now, because he had just lost some of his.

When Carson had first been made an expedition member, Rodney had made it clear how high his disdain was for the medical sciences. Though Carson was a well known doctor for his work on the ATA therapy, Rodney was always more concerned with Carson as an ATA wielder (until Sheppard and his gene came along), and therefore remarkably uninterested in Carson as a person.

Beyond the initial lack of care, Rodney wasn't comfortable with the field of medicine. He knew more about it than Carson had ever suspected, being a genius and all, but the idea of an infirmary was miles outside of his comfort zone. The dead or the dying, the breathless closed feeling and the morbidly sterile environment gave him chills because he didn't know what to do about it. He couldn't help these people, not just because Rodney didn't naturally relate to other humans, but because the knowledge that he was surrounded by mostly helpless people made him feel uneasy. As Rodney and Carson's friendship grew, the scientist had no qualm visiting the doctor for his every hypochondriatic need, but lacked the courage to stay for long periods of time. The fact that, eventually, when injured, Rodney relented to stay in the infirmary for more than twenty four hours was an extreme testament to his trust in Carson.

Their friendship began when the city had first risen from the depths of the ocean. The scientists had managed to get the city consistently running, the generators newly installed. Rooms were being hastily arranged and rearranged. The infirmary had been scoped out, as had been the labs and gym. They had visited the Athosians, encountered their first Wraith attack, and had Teyla's people with them, and John had finally been cleared to put together official teams.

Starting with his own.

Teyla and Ford had agreed almost instantly. They were more than logical choices for SGA-1. Teyla, the initial diplomat, was a wise and loving person. Ford, though young, was eager and brave, showing a real camaraderie with Sheppard. A scientist would be the last logical choice, someone brave and hardy, someone brilliant. Someone, who, by chance, was willing to risk his life to get rid of a crazy sentient gas-of-doom _thing_.

To John, there was only one choice: McKay.

When asked, a part of McKay wanted to say yes. The part that craved approval, glory and knowledge. Common sense, survival instinct, and the rest demanded he give John an adamant _No! _

Survival instinct won out.

Before long, Rodney was on the run from the man, trying to avoid the Colonel's pleas, bargains, and threats. As he had told Sheppard before, Rodney was very happy working on Atlantis' systems. After turning down Sheppard five consecutive times, Rodney darted from the labs and escaped towards the infirmary, the last place that anyone would think to look for him. As he saw the blessed doors, Rodney slowed down, heaving for breath, and as his heart stops trying to pound it's was out of his chest. Hiding in the shadows of the still unstable lighting that is in many Atlantis hallways, Rodney listened carefully for the sound of feet against the city's floors. What he heard was far more unusual; a faintly familiar melody was floating out the infirmary doors.

Rodney crept inside, curious to discover who was playing the music. After all, anything classical was surprisingly unpopular on Atlantis. No one was in the infirmary proper, though Rodney could hear the chatter from the adjoining rooms. The music, however, was residing in the largest room of them all, with a clear view of the infirmary. There was no need to guess who was playing Debussy's Arabesque.

Guesswork was not involved. Curiosity, however, was. Surprised by Carson's taste in music, Rodney stuck his head into the office. Carson had his back to the scientist, whistling to the tune while filing medical record after medical record. Rodney's attention was captured by the music and he peered at the CD player with growing disgust. The sound was tinny and dim, sounding more like a badly recorded record than a new age compact disc. "Ewwww," Rodney announced from the doorway when the quality became too much to bear. "What did they do to it?" he finished, outrage clear.

"Do to what?" Carson asked a little blankly, lifting the medical files from his lap and dropping them on his desk.

"To the recording, of course! Did someone try and record from across the room in a dark studio or something?" Rodney looked vaguely offended on behalf of the song. "I think whoever did this killed it!"

"Killed might be a harsh word," Carson managed diplomatically, but his face fell a little when he glanced at the CD player. "I know. It's that bad, isn't it? I was copying CD's together, trying to save space, but I think I tore this one out a little early."

"Yes." Rodney told him flatly. "Yes you did."

Carson frowned a little, looking wistfully as the music continued. Rodney debated for a moment before speaking again. "It's your lucky day though, because I have a better copy than that trash you appear to be listening to."

If he was surprised by the offer, Carson didn't show it. Instead, he settled into his chair, a grin giving his eyes more sparkle. "Aye? Well aren't you the lucky bugger. How did you manage that?"

Rodney smothered a smirk. "Let's put it this way. My laptop was hand designed by me, and has twice the space than that currently on the market. It means that I can hide a program or two. iTunes seemed like a reasonable choice, because it doesn't care how much I put on it. And I'm a genius, Carson. Do you really expect that I'd get caught?"

"Ah," Carson nodded in understanding, "So that's how you got around the 'one personal item' rule." His lips curved even further up at Rodney's revelation. "And no, for the record, I wouldn't expect you to get caught."

Rodney's chest puffed up a little, and his smirk turned into a genuine smile. Courage, and a rare desire to please someone else made Rodney open his mouth to continue, "Well, like I said, I have a copy. If you'd like to, you know, borrow it or something…" He was instantly gratified for his kindness when Carson's face threatened to split from his smile and his brogue thickened to biblical proportions.

"Aye lad! That would be excellent! I have yet tae meet someone else who thought to bring any good music!"

"Well, now you have," Rodney said, preening under the compliment.

"That I have, lad." Carson agreed. He gestured to one of the music. "You now know that Debussy is one of my favorite composers, and Arabesque is my favorite composition. You have to tell me your favorite in return." Carson privately smiled as he tricked Rodney into revealing more about himself. He wasn't expecting the seriousness with which Rodney considered the question, though.

"Arabesque is nice, but I prefer Clair De Lune," Rodney paused, unsure of how to continue. "I like some of Mozart's earlier work too. But Requiem is a really good song if you get it right. Of course, then you have to consider some of Bach's work, because there's always the classic Moonlight Sonata. The song is over played, I'll admit, but pretty in it's progression. Then there are days when all I listen to is Rachmaninoff. The man was brilliant in his own way, and then you've got more current composers. Eric Whitacre was my favorite before we left…" Rodney trailed off, stopping mid-gesture to drop his hands as a little color rose in his cheeks. Carson swallowed another smile at the genius' enthusiasm.

"Interesting opinion, Rodney. What's so special about Rachmaninoff?" Carson inquired, more interested in finding out more about the resident genius that the composer.

Rodney couldn't believe how at ease he was with the doctor, and found a chuckle lacing his answer. "Rachmaninoff was into mechanical technology. He actually composed a piece and then went on tour in order to earn enough money to buy and automobile!" He finished with glee.

Carson couldn't have possibly held back the laughter. Rodney spent a brief second looking offended, but Carson's chortles broke his resistance. For the first time, Carson felt like the prickly Canadian was truly opening up to him. "I can see why you think he's brilliant," the Scot teased, eyes crinkling at the corners.

Rodney shrugged the merest hint of flush rising in his cheeks once more. "Really, though, it's the interpretive freedom that you have when playing his music that I like best. Each time it's played, the piece is meant to sound a little bit different."

Carson tilted his head. "Why Rodney, you're making it sounds as if you've played a lot of piano before," he said, meaning to rib the scientist gently.

Rodney gestured off-handedly, but looked away. "I played until I was about twelve," he answered shortly, in hoped that it would deter Carson from the subject. He was mistaken; Carson had long known that something was off when Rodney was not interested in pronouncing his accomplishment to anyone who would listen.

"That bad?" Carson guessed sympathetically.

"Of course not! I always wanted to be a pianist. My parents were never on good terms and blamed me. I mean, how are parents supposed to cope with a child who builds atomic bombs in their spare time?" The dry words were meant to offset the slightly bitter tone. "Music was my salvation, though. It had this perfect order for me." Again Rodney gestured. He seemed unable to resist. Letting his hands fall, he continued, "However, when I was twelve, my teacher told me to quit. A fine clinical player, he said, but no sense of the art whatsoever. So I turned to science because I thought it would be different than music, but it isn't. It's just as much of an art as anything else." Rodney crossed his arms over his chest, vulnerable. He had unconsciously repeated the words he had told Sam, concentrating more on glaring at Carson, daring the man to laugh.

Carson's smile abruptly dropped, and he thought for a moment. Rodney braced himself for unintentionally cruel words and heard a wry snort instead, as Carson filed away the personal information for later processing. "That I have a hard time believing," Carson grinned. "Clearly, you've never seen yourself talking about this city, ever. You get so incredibly passionate about it. I have no doubt that your teacher was wrong about your playing." He grew pensive, gazing out his office window towards the brilliantly lit waters of Atlantis' oceans. "I would love to hear someone play piano again. My mum used to have me listen to her play whenever I was over, saying it would be good to have some culture in my life. Played all the time as I was growing up, too." Hopeful eyes were turned to his newly found friend, "You wouldn't consider…"

"Absolutely not!" Rodney snapped defensively. "Didn't you hear me tell you what my teacher said? Besides, even if I did agree, it's not exactly like we have a piano on hand! It's not exactly a necessary object!" He looked about to continue on his rampage, running fingers through his hair, but Carson held up a placating hand.

"Don't worry," Carson soothed, "It was an idle thought."

"And an idle mind is the devil's playground." Rodney spat back, but the orator had already lost most of his snarky temper. Rodney shifted as if settling down ruffled feathers while Carson hid a small grin once more. Despite the barbed nature, Carson could practically feel the man growing on him.

"Oh well. Maybe someday, if we ever find a way to contact Earth."

"Yeah. Someday."

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Rodney couldn't remember putting his head down. He blinked owlishly, then stared around him wearily. He couldn't seem to manage to clear his mind of cobwebs this morning. He'd never admit to it, no matter what the threat, but the minute or so after waking up were always the worst, and his brain ran sluggishly, unwilling to being working. His team knew, of course, and respectfully never mentioned it, but no one else had ever seen him in that state.

Rodney's first action was to make his way to the coffee maker that had been the first object placed in the room. Pouring himself a mug, heedless of whether the cup was even clean, he downed the hot caffeine in a few gulps, thanking God for small miracles. Such as the fact, for instance, that thanks to some upgrades, the coffee in the pot was always piping hot. His brain began to run up to speed and he checked the time on the computer. It was twenty of seven, meaning Rodney had just enough time to get back to his room and shower before attending the morning's meeting.

Rodney headed down the halls, absently closing the lab door behind him and made the few short turns that he needed to before entering his room. PowerBar wrappers, a patiently blinking laptop, dirty clothes and a mussed bed were only a few of the room's features. Rodney placed his personal laptop next to the on already on his desk, ignoring everything else in favor of stumbling into his bathroom, where he stripped down to the bare skin and thought _On _as hard as he could in the shower. His reward was a spray of hot moisture. Rodney showered quickly and efficiently, grabbing a warm towel from the rack next to the sink. He dried off, musing over the issue that Lorne had brought to his attention yesterday evening. Apparently, the water in the south wing wasn't getting hot, and at first the major had assumed that one of the military personnel had pissed off a scientist. When the issue was finally clarified, Rodney agreed to see if he could try and solve the problem. He was the Answer Man, after all.

Exactly eighteen minutes later, Rodney was pacing the halls at his usual brisk walk, downing his second power bar and third cup of coffee at a rate that alarmed the newest members of the expedition. He ignored their incredulous looks, and arrived at the conference room right on time, still musing over the water problem.

They had barely occupied Atlantis a month before Elizabeth agreed to make their bi-weekly meeting first thing in the morning. As the heads of the science and military divisions, Rodney and John had to be there and both expressed a desire for the earlier time frame: Sheppard because he found it impossible to sleep any later than the sun and preferred to get the meeting out of the way as soon as possible while Rodney preferred not to get interrupted while in the middle of something important. After all, if faced with a choice between an active experiment and a meeting, there was no contest. Teyla and Ronon usually joined them, and SGA-1 breakfasted together afterwards, the only time the team ever ate so late. Usually they had eaten by 7:30 and were going about their daily business not long after. Carson had joined them if he wasn't on duty, just as he attended the meetings faithfully, claiming that if he wasn't there, medical considerations would take a back seat to all other concerns.

Rodney's thoughts turned black when his mind turned to Carson, mourning the loss of his best friend silently but bitterly. Unconsciously, he stared at his hands, remembering Carson's words from three years ago. _Clearly, you've never seen yourself talking about this city, ever. You get so incredibly passionate about it. I have no doubt that your teacher was wrong about your playing. _He had never mentioned to Carson that despite his teacher's words, he had continued to play. Nor had he mentioned the fact that when the Daedalus had started to make regular runs between the two planted that he had blackmailed Novak into getting him a copy of Finale (though he was sure he was going to be discovered when the woman couldn't stop hiccupping in his presence). Rodney had stashed the music program on his computer for the times in the wee hours of the morning when he had a spare hour to compose his own music.A part of him believed that he shouldn't have done that, for his time would be more wisely used if he had no distraction, if he focused his effort on keeping everything together. Everyone needed to relieve stress somehow, right? Deep down, however, Rodney knew he had gone through all the trouble because it was the next best thing to a piano that he could offer to Carson.

It was all for him.

Rodney had been on the brink of showing the compositions to his Scottish friend when those scientists- Rodney's scientists!- had set of the device that created the tumors. Rodney tried not to agonize over what may have been: Would Carson enjoy the music, appreciate the long hours? Would he be reminded of the mother he had spoken of so often? Or would the good doctor find that Rodney's piano teacher had been right after all?

Worst of all was the fact that Rodney had put off sharing any earlier because he dreaded the response. Carson was his best friend, and he couldn't even dredge up enough courage to show his compositions to Carson. Rodney despised the anxiety and weakness that had prevented him from ever sharing his music, but put the dark thoughts away for another time as he reached the conference room.

"Yes, hello, I'm here," Rodney greeted with a touch of impatience, ignoring the pang of sorrow that arrived as he effortlessly opened the door with his ATA gene. He had never properly thanked Carson for that either, but it was just one in a long list of regrets. "What's on today's agenda?"

Elizabeth and John looked up from their conversation. "Well, Daedalus is due any day now, and it'll be bringing some new recruits. Scientists, specifically." Elizabeth caught Rodney's eyes and gave him a warning look. "I can't have you scaring them, either." There was the slightest pause. "Especially not the geneticist on board."

Rodney stiffened and all movement in the room stilled. "A geneticist?" he asked in a curiously soft voice.

Elizabeth winced at the bland tone. "Yes, Rodney. The SGC feel that our best interests would be served if was continued working on the Wraith genetic code, trying to figure out what triggers the inability to process food like a normal human, that sort of thing. Her name is Dr. Amy Black, and she will be working with Dr. Keer in order to try and figure out more information."

The scientist stared down at the laptop in his arms, feeling faintly surprised that the SGC hadn't sent someone sooner. His next thought was _At least it's not a guy_. For some reason, seeing a male invade Carson's work would be a hell of a lot harder to watch than a female. Even the idea of another man taking control of the infirmary gave Rodney the heebie-jeebies. Thank God that Dr. Keller had stepped up.

Thank God for small miracles.

Finally the genius spoke. "What you mean to say is that they're sending someone to step up because no one else will take it."

Elizabeth had never truly regretted Rodney's ability to cut to the heart of a situation until now. "Yes," she replied, matching his even tone.

Rodney's blue eyes narrowed, becoming tempered steel. Elizabeth matched his look for a few second, but turned away first. Rodney opened his mouth to speak, but John cut him off. "Leave it be, Rodney. She didn't have a choice." The ire in John's voice made the others flinch, and John's shoulder's sagged.

Rodney didn't try to argue, visibly deflating. They were all under stress especially since…

John tried not to think about it to much. Who would want to, when every time he closed his eyes John could see how he had last seen Carson. There wasn't a great deal of recognizable features or body…afterwards. Locked into an endless cycle where John couldn't seem to stop noticing all the details that had changed since Carson's death. Even watching Ford's video letter wasn't as heart-wrenching as watching silently when Carson's personal belongings were removed from his room and the infirmary.

The only comfort that John had for the removal of the Scot's thing was the fact that Elizabeth had taken John, Rodney, Ronon and Teyla aside and allowed them each to pick something to keep from Carson's personal belongings. The only ones to know were Elizabeth and SGA-1, and their kept their secret safe. For them, erasing all evidence of Carson's presence would have been too much to bear.

In their weekly sessions, Heightmeyer had kept talking at him about how he needed to discuss the guilt issues and nightmares and every drop of pain John had ever suffered with someone, anyone. He kept telling the psychiatrist that he was working on in, and in a way, he wasn't even lying. Since his arrival in Atlantis he had found himself unable to keep from forming ties with those John now considered his surrogate family. Slowly but surely, John divulged more information about himself than to anyone he had ever known.

John Sheppard was a smart man. Not Rodney smart, but after disobeying those orders back in Afghanistan he was shoved into a psychiatric help ward and told to get his head on straight. If John was one thing, though, he was stubborn. He didn't believe for one instant that he'd done anything wrong.

But God, he wanted to fly. He wanted to fly more than anything. So he lied, reading psychiatric texts in his spare time to figure out what he needed to say to get out of there. It seemed to work, though more because the military needed their best pilot out there, even if it was doing grunt work and freezing his balls off.

In that short time, though, John learned a lot of things about the human mind. He read more avidly than he had in years to stop himself from ever needing to talk to a psychiatrist again, reasoning that if he already knew what they were going to say, he could beat them to the punch. John swore that he would deal with everything himself, because friends die.

Mitch and Dex did.

Yet as the Atlantis mission progressed, John found that he was revealing little pieces about himself to those around him; Ford, that first year, along with Teyla, Rodney, Elizabeth and Carson. Ronon joined the list mere days after he joined SGA-1 as well. Strangely enough, this resulted in John getting the best sleep he had in years. So Heightmeyer had a point; it _was _good to discuss your emotional status with people. John just didn't feel it necessary to discuss anything, let alone his personal business, with her.

However, with Carson's death, every one of his worst nightmares had come back to haunt him. Every death, every anguished face, every single tear pulled sleep further away. Add in the fact that he didn't want to dump his troubled on any of his teammates, and John knew that from a rational standpoint he was a mental breakdown waiting to happen. John ignored his mind's turmoil, focusing his attention back on the events in front of him.

Rodney didn't apologize, instead sending a remorseful look in Elizabeth's direction. She smiled wanly, and Rodney to a moment to absorb the dark circles and pale skin. Things were deteriorating fast, and once again Rodney had no idea how to save it.

Rodney gestured and tried to say something, but couldn't fine words.

"Can we do this meeting another day?" John interjected. Abashed, Rodney flinched and Elizabeth rubbed her arms as shivers ran down her skin.

"Sorry," they muttered to one another at the same time, but didn't touch on the deeper issue.

Teyla and Ronon chose that moment to enter the conference room. The pair took in the somber, wan and troubled faces and exchanged a distressed look. Though neither had known Carson as long as the Earthlings, they were equally devastated by the loss. However, they dealt with their loss by making sure that John, Rodney and Elizabeth didn't drown in theirs. Teyla found herself persuading Elizabeth to come to movie night, sparred with John more than ever and she hung around Rodney asking questions about Ancestral technology.

Ronon did his part in a more silent manner. Troubling reports or inane issues never seemed to make their way to Elizabeth. John and Ronon sat in companionable silence, trading only the most necessary of words. Rodney was the hardest, and Ronon often found himself simply loitering around the scientist. When that got to be too much, the Runner would drag Rodney to the gym, insisting on sparring practice. Despite hours of training, Rodney shared a starling amount of ineptitude that left Ronon wondering how Sheppard felt safe knowing there was a gun in Rodney's hand. Ronon did, however, let the ridiculous sparring outfit pass without to much comment.

A series of silent exchanges passed between Ronon and Teyla, and the Athosian fingered the scar where the shrapnel had been imbedded in her. "If you are willing to postpone the meeting, would you be willing to explain Memoirs of a Geisha? I am unsure of some of the cultural references," Teyla asked Elizabeth.

Elizabeth nodded graciously and began a conversation about the difference between the cultures of Earth, mentioning that Dr. Kusanagi might be able to better explain some off the nuances that were integral to Japanese culture. Teyla spared a meaningful glance with Ronon, and the big man knew that it was his job to cover John and Rodney.

"Sheppard, you never finished telling me about that MENSA thing McKay keeps mentioning," Ronon declared in what he hoped was an offhand manner. John shot him a look that stated he wasn't fooled, but Rodney fell for it hook, line, and sinker.

"You were telling him about MENSA? Without me? Sheppard, I hate to say this- actually I don't! You probably don't know the first thing about MENSA, closet mathaholic or not! I have been a member for as long as I can remember, thank you very much. Now Ronon, whatever John told you, forget it. It was most likely completely wrong-"

"Hey!" John interjected.

"-so I suggest we start from the beginning." Ronon's eyes widened and John couldn't resist as small smirk at the man's expression.

"I'm hungry. You hungry? Why don't we follow Teyla and Elizabeth towards food, okay?" John managed to squeeze into Rodney's tirade.

The Chief Scientist nodded briefly, continuing his explanation. At least now Ronon would be able to eat while feigning interest.

Talking quietly amongst themselves they made their way to the mess hall. In the commissary, everyone gave them wide birth. Though the five were slowly healing, no one else on the expedition felt that their condolences were enough, and preferred to stay clear of any dangerous topics.

In a rare show of awareness to Ronon's glazed eyes as they finished up their food, Rodney voluntarily changed the subject. "So…" he began, but found himself surprised to be at a loss for words. In such a dangerous galaxy, Rodney McKay was a man of diction, and it was unusual to be unable to say anything.

"What did you think of I, Robot?" John asked, naming the past week's movie for Guy's Night.

Rodney shot the other man a look, trying not to seem to thankful for the save. John pointedly ignored it, turning his attention to Ronon who commented, "I thought it was pretty good. The security machine seemed pretty realistic."

Coming from Ronon that was around of applause, so John chuckled, "Yeah, she's a pretty good villain."

Rodney snorted. "The only good part was how the robots interpreted their coding. The ghost remnant of the deleted files and their subsequent haphazard combination were actually fairly realistic. I can't believe that they didn't add anything more about the nanites though. And Detective Spooner? Please! I figured out who the so-called villain was practically in the first ten minutes!"

John and Rodney exchanged a look. "Well, McKay," drawled John. "We can't all be super-geniuses. Or should it be genusi? After all, octopus becomes octopi?"

Rodney shot the military man a scathing glare, and then send a brief look to the heavens, as if asking what he had done to do such stupidity. "Do I _look _like an English major to you? That's Jeannie's husband's forte, not mine," Rodney stated sarcastically. "And for the record, that was rhetorical."

"Whatever," Ronon supplied, thereby ending the McKay- Sheppard spat that was brewing.

"Look, as much as I'd love to discuss the development of language with you all, I need to go find Zelenka. The south wing has been complaining that they haven't been able to get any hot water in their section of the city, and we need to figure out patch until we can repair the systems fully. And I need to do it before we go offworld tomorrow. Though," he said, stressing the word, "if I didn't have to go play with the locals, I could finish my work."

"Nice try, McKay. We're going as a team, and that's final." There was no mistaking the iron in John's voice, and Rodney scowled.

"Fine, fine, fine. But when I throw out my back from lifting boxes or something, I'll hold you accountable," Rodney retorted, waving a quick hand and then making his exit, leaving his tray on the table and a surprised team in his wake.

"What kind of bee has gotten into his underpants?" John asked the air mildly, turning back to his breakfast.

Ronon shrugged and ate the rest of McKay's scone.

Elizabeth finished what she had been saying to Teyla and gave the group a small smile. "Teyla, gentlemen, I'm afraid I'm going to have to follow Rodney's lead. I have a few reports to finish up, and I'm _sure _you have the same, John," she finished meaningfully.

John groaned, but didn't disagree. He stood up, stretching and followed Elizabeth out, the pair talking quietly about the reports that were due. From John's panicked face, it was clear that he hadn't touched a single piece of paperwork since…since Carson.

It always seemed to come back to Carson.

--------------------

John made his way to his office with great reluctance. Though he didn't know General O'Neill very well, his superior had found it humorous to use the Daedalus to carry emails to Rodney, Elizabeth, himself and occasion to Teyla, Carson and Ronon, thus including the six in his infamous email list. The first thing that had been sent upon the return of the Daedalus was General O'Neill's patented rules on how to avoid the maximum amount of paperwork for the maximum amount of time. Admittedly, the rules had been used on more than one occasion. However, Elizabeth was adamant this time; if all his paperwork was not completed, he would be indefinitely suspended from walking through the Stargate until it was.

His office was relatively little-used. Any sort of military gathering was held in one of the larger conference rooms, so with the exception of paperwork and the occasional private dressing down, the room was nearly always empty.

Of course, like all the offices, labs, and the like, the room had been fitted with state-of-the-art technology. John logged on with the little used password (The password was Kirk…God help him if Rodney ever found out) and checked his inbox first.

139 emails.

John moaned, practically feeling his day slipping away from him. Though most people had given up sending him emails, realizing that it would just be easier to talk to him, certain people seemed get a thrill out of flooding his inbox with messages.

His first job was to scroll down and check all the emails from Rodney. Each one was deleted as a waste of space, which sadly was completely true. McKay saw him on an almost daily basis, so there would be no point in checking the man's emails. Once McKay's emails were gone, John had a mere fifty-nine emails to read and respond to.

He started with the top of the list, figuring that those on the bottom had waited so long that another couple of hours wouldn't do any harm.

The first email was from Sergeant Smith, telling him that various emails and letters had been collected from the expedition members and was ready to be given to the Daedalus to be transported back to Earth. John emailed back the affirmative so that they could be included with the other items being transported.

Several other emails followed the same vein, requesting supplies for the labs, leave time on one of the local planets or back on Earth, and so on. Others contained military issues, such as squabbles or a recommendation for promotion (and in some cases, demotion). Most he had already dealt with; sick of waiting, the majority of the personnel had already spoken to him about it.

The long list of emails slowly dwindled and over an hour inched by.

When John reached the next email, he whipped his hands away from the desk as if it were burning hot. His hands shook and he stared at the screen, almost uncomprehendingly.

--------------------

TBC


	2. Pesante

Wow! Thanks for all the reviews, you guys! Kudos to Zedpm for correctly guessing what happened! I'd also like to extend my love to my wonderful beta, Anna! Let's give her a cheer! In addition, I just want everyone to note that I've taken a certain amount of artistic liberty with some of the events, so take them as you will. Lastly, please Read and Review!

Anyways, without further adieu, I give you the next chapter of Imperfect Order!

**Imperfect Order**

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**Pesante: Heavy**

On the screen was an email from Carson requesting more medical supplies for the infirmary, in addition to an engineer to come check on one of the Earth-based scanners, which was malfunctioning.

All of his guilt and worries were on the attack. John shoved back his chair, smacking into the wall, but he didn't even feel it. His eyes grew wide as he stared at the screen for a few seconds.

Suddenly the room was too small, and John raced out of his office, running to the nearest balcony, over which he proceeded to lose the contents of his breakfast. After a few moments he began to dry heave and gag on bile, the contents of his stomach sinking into the ocean surrounding Atlantis. He coughed a few times, dizzy from the sudden expulsion. He wished he had thought to bring something to wash his mouth out and wiped a hand against his brow.

Once he believed he was finished, he back away from the railing slowly, and took a few deep breaths to try and rid himself of the nauseous feeling that had taken over him. Once his stomach was calmer he slid down the railing and put his head between his knees, clenching his eyes shut with a determined fury and forcing his body to stop shaking.

His physical reaction to the email scared him. John Sheppard was a controlled man; that's how he defined himself. To lose control now…John wiped a hand over his brow again.

Gradually, the tremors stopped but the shock remained. To find an email from Carson made the bottom drop out of his world all over again. John was unable to respond to the strangeness of the commonplace email which he had received dozens of times before, though his body had other ideas. It tried to rebel again, but with a long practiced iron will, he forced his stomach to remain calm. Not that there was anything to throw up anymore.

John drifted for a few minutes, trying not to think of anything in particular until his heart rate slowed. Once his heartbeat had settled into something more acceptable, he slowly stood up, lanky form dark and brooding against the horizon. John made his way back to his office, leaning on the walls when his sudden headache blurred his vision.

He stared at the door to his office, testing the waters. He had no inclination to make another hasty exit, throat still feeling raw from vomiting, so he ventured inside.

Once in his office, he stared at his computer as if it were a cursed thing, destined to explode in his face. He took in a deep breath and cautiously approached the computer. As he had feared, the email still lay in wait on the screen. His finger hesitated over the delete button, but after a moment's internal battle, he used the mouse to save the file. Stupid as it was, John wanted a tangible reminder of the physician. He didn't allow that thought process to develop any further, putting his grief for Carson in the back of him mind, clamping down on it until he didn't feel like he was about to be come an emotional wreck. Healthy or not, that's how he was dealing with things for now. He could afford to be sentimental later, when things were less busy.

The alarm on his watch beeped loudly, scaring him. He shot straight up, every nerve tiling with adrenaline at the unexpected sound, and his gag reflex threatened to make him haul ass out to the balcony again. Forcing himself to remain perfectly still, John relaxed after a moment, feeling foolish for reacting to the alarm. He glanced at the clock, and then closed his eyes in disbelief.

Heightmeyer. His weekly appointment with Heightmeyer was in ten minutes. After that god dammed stupid email of Carson's the last person John wanted to be near was the psychologist, consequences be damned. However, if he missed another meeting, Elizabeth would take no small pleasure in reaming him out, especially when both she and every other member of SGA-1 were dutifully attending, as was standard procedure.

John stared balefully at his computer for a moment longer before practically ordering the sliding door open and stalking down the hallways.

Most of the marines and air force personnel who caught sight of his face scrambled out of the way. Sheppard's black moods didn't come often, but the general consensus was that when they were present, it would be safer to duke it out with a hippopotamus mother trying to defend her child.

Despite his attempt to ignore his feelings, he continued to brood over Carson's email, which didn't help things. John hated losing the good men and women who worked so hard to keep things afloat in Atlantis. John sometimes wondered if they were in way over their heads, but the thought didn't breach his conscious very often, and each time he firmly squashed the thought. John's musing made their way back to his people; both the military and civilian members of the expedition were irreplaceable in some cases. Furthermore, they were his family, those who knew his secrets as well as he knew theirs. When he had been stuck in that time dilation field for six months, the worst part was not hearing Rodney's snarks, or Teyla's diplomatic wisdom. Ronon had saved their collective asses nearly as many times as McKay and always shrugged their thanks off, as if his actions were completely natural. Elizabeth wasn't a perfect expedition commander, but she knew exactly what compromises would best suffice, how to get people to understand each other, and was amazing at her job. And Carson…Carson had been the listening ear, the forthright wisdom, the fighter for morality.

John had to lean against the wall as his headache threatened to turn his brain to mush. Sighing sharply he shoved away from the wall and continued down the halls.

John rapped sharply on Dr. Heightmeyer's door, impatient to get things over with so he could get back to work, or so he told himself. Unwilling to admit that he needed help, he could feel his muscles tightening as if he was preparing for a fight.

Heightmeyer opened the door with a warm smile, per usual. "It's good to see you John. How are things today?"

He brushed past her, honoring her with a glare. The doctor pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes, but John took no notice, sitting stiffly in one of the many chairs that seemed to spawn in Heightmeyer's office.

"How are things today?" Heightmeyer repeated blandly.

"Fine," John grunted. Nothing more came.

"That's good. So…how is your paperwork coming?" she questioned after a few seconds pause.

John felt his muscle's tightening again and a dark pool of rage seemed to open up inside of him. "It's none of your business," he snarled, with a blackness of temper that seemed to startle Heightmeyer.

She frowned, but decided to try again. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "Elizabeth mentioned that she had put you to work. I don't like paperwork either," she continued in a light tone. "Who does?"

John looked away, face daring her to try and help his anger. Heightmeyer tried to wait him out, but clearly something had happened to put him in a foul mood, something that he was quite clearly unwilling to discuss.

"Look, Colonel, I'm just trying to help. Maybe if you talk about whatever is botheri-"

"Nothing is bothering me!" John snapped acidly, eyes glowing with restrained ill humor.

Kate leaned back in her seat, surprised by the Chief Military Officer's caustic tone. She had long known that the Colonel was simply saying the things that would get him signed out of their sessions, but he had never been rude about it, instead trying to be as pleasant and short as possible. However, Kate always believed that as long as he (or any other patient of hers) was discussing their problems with _someone_ that someone didn't have to be her, and was happy to sign off his chart. Things had clearly changed, though. Something was stopping him from talking, and John obviously had no intention of sharing his concerns with her. "Maybe we should do this later," she suggested, keeping a smile on her face. The trick was not to let them sense her discomfort. "I don't think you're feeling yourself right now. If you want to talk later, you know where I am."

John's icy glare told her exactly what he thought of that little pronouncement and he blew out of her room like a raging black rain cloud without another word.

As the door slid quietly shut, Kate buried her head in her hands. She felt as if she was out of her depth. Elizabeth genuinely tried to work with her, though some days were better than other. The diplomat, for all her work, had gone through several relapses, however. Little sleep, nightmares, stress, and a host of other situations had simply compounded and complicated Elizabeth's grief, and were making the going tough.

Teyla was a little easier. The woman was wise beyond her years, understanding and saying things that honestly pleased the psychiatrist. The Athosian wasn't perfect by any means, but she seemed to find a lot of comfort in helping her struggling friends. This was something that Kate was disinclined to prohibit, especially as it seemed to have stopped her teammates from dropping into depression or the like.

Kate wasn't sure what to make of Ronon. As far as she could tell, the Runner hadn't even entered a stage of mourning, completely bypassing all of her texts on the subject and entering a phase of acceptance. However, as the man truly seemed to understand mourning the loss of loved ones in a way that she felt she could not even imagine. Kate had signed off his mental wellness sheet with surprising speed, finally admitting to herself that if there was a problem there, she was not equipped to handle it.

Then there were Rodney McKay and John Sheppard.

The former seemed to try, at least on the surface. However, after almost three years of dealing with traumatized military personnel, Kate had realized that the man was very cleverly avoiding telling her anything, while making it sound that to a certain degree he was revealing what she asked. The woman still had no idea how he did it, but he sure as hell did. He had once spent the better part of their hour long session talking about his cat. One thing led to another, and suddenly he was demanding that she let him examine all her medical texts, to make sure he wasn't suffering from some horrible, rare mental disease. Secretly, she made a mental note on his chart that his hypochondria may or may not include mental wellness before sending him back to the labs as kindly as she could manage. She hadn't realized until later that he had managed to avoid talking about any pertinent issues. Each session ended more or less the same, but the lack of speaking about his problems was taking its toll on the scientist. Fatigued, the scientist often fell asleep in his lab and the shadows under his eyes were getting progressively deeper.

The latter was just as bad, though in a completely opposite direction. Where Rodney would ramble on long tirades, John would clamp up in her presence, keeping his answers to the minimum number of words possible. She had tried to speak with him on many an occasion about how she was just there to help, only to have him ignore her. He told her the things that as a psychiatrist she wanted to hear, which evidenced his knowledge of the field, but he was just saying them, and they lacked any feeling. He wasn't even trying to hide the fact that he wasn't really talking to anyone else about the state of affairs either, preferring to level glares at her when she suggested he do so. Today, however, things had been worse than she had ever seen them. His tired, worn features spoke of to many a sleepless or nightmare ridden evening. From the dark look in his eyes, Kate was able to surmise that there was a lot of pent up anger waiting to be spilled. The man wasn't even grieving silently, for heaven's sake. Kate was very nearly at the end of her rope with John.

Though Ronon and Teyla tried to help the three Earthlings, the degree of help they could offer simply wasn't extensive enough. Elizabeth was working, at least, and between Teyla, Ronon, and Kate, the psychiatrist knew that the strong woman would manage her grief eventually. Of that she had no doubt.

Rodney and John, however...Kate shook her head as her train of thought trailed off into the many problems that each exhibited. Her lip trembled as she considered their chances of getting out of this alone. When she considered the chance of Atlantis's survival without the pair, she put her head down and cried behind her office's closed doors.

--------------------

Left on their own, Teyla and Ronon decided make their way to a small balcony near Teyla's room that had become their base of sorts. They walked in silence, each brooding over the traumatic and dramatic events that had occurred lately. First Rodney had been struck by that Ascension machine, then John and Rodney had discovered that their so- called 'game' actually effected real civilizations, and now Carson's death…

"I don't know how long I can do this," Teyla admitted quietly. Her gaze extended somewhere beyond where sea and sky met. "It's too painful to bear sometimes. I know I must do it for my friends, but I wish that they could see it as it truly was. Carson did it because he loved saving the lives of others far more than he valued his own life. His…sense of priority, of honor, is a rare thing. I have not seen it in a man to that degree since my father."

"We have always lived with death looking over our shoulder," Ronon said, looking out at the clear blue waters. "In the Pegasus Galaxy, with the Wraith always over our shoulder and no way to defend, as the Earthlings were able to do against the Goa'ould and the Ori, we took for granted that we would lose loved ones. Melena…" the strong man stared off for a moment, lost in thought and Teyla almost thought that he wouldn't finish the thought. "Melena was like Carson too. To the end, she couldn't bear to leave her patients. I think that's why I admired Beckett. He had that same stubborn courage in the face of illness and blood when Sheppard, or McKay, or you, or I be afraid to do anything."

Teyla felt a solitary tear run down her cheek as her heart ached abominably. "I'm afraid to go on without him," She admitted in a trembling voice. "He always managed to patch us up. I always knew it wouldn't come down to luck, it would come down to Carson, and that little charm he kept in his pocket." She let out a wobbling laugh.

"You noticed it too?" Ronon demanded with surprise. He thought he was the only one that had noticed Carson fingering the little good luck charm after a particularly bad injury to someone. Ronon had asked what it was once, and Carson had revealed that his mother had given it to him the last night they had spent together, saying that it would bring him luck. Meanwhile, Teyla nodded to Ronon's question, not trusting her voice. A few more tears ran down to join the first. Unsure, Ronon placed a comforting hand on Teyla's shoulder, and the strong woman crumbled like a broken dam.

The Athosian began to cry in earnest, in a way she hadn't since her father had died. Ronon struggled with the lump in his throat as Teyla turned and sobbed into his rough shirt. If a few tears escaped the big man, neither made any comment about it. The pair embraced, easing the depression and fear and pain that seemed cascading in an overwhelming flow in the comforting touch of a friend.

As Teyla's tears slowed, Ronon patted her back as he remembered seeing Melena do to her younger sisters. Teyla's body shuddered, but she pulled back wiping at her tears. "Thank you," she murmured. Placing her hands on his shoulders, she bowed her head. Recognizing the tradition, Ronon quickly did the same, meeting her forehead.

"No problem," Ronon said gruffly.

Teyla's eyes were puffy and red with crying. She sniffled a few times more, and sank down against the balcony railing. Ronon sat beside her, and Teyla placed her head against the Runner's chest, calming down. Ronon realized that she was fading fast, but let the woman relax. He cursed himself for not realizing how worn Teyla was, and was loath to move her though they were so close to Teyla's room. Her stuffy nose from crying eventually disappeared and she began to breathe slowly and regularly.

As the sun was warming the balcony, Ronon leaned back against the railing, and put his head back for a moment, feeling world weary. He hoped that Teyla's outburst was healing in nature and she would feel much better- about everything- once she had some proper rest.

Ronon closed his eyes for a moment. While he had been a Runner, many things had been horrible about the situation. One of the worst was the way he couldn't just sit and feel the sun on his skin. Had he done so, the Wraith would have found him within an instance's notice. With Atlantis though, he had been given back that freedom, and it was all because of Carson.

Ronon had never been able to comprehend Carson's ability to operate under pressure as a doctor. Put a gun in the man's hand, and he would freak out, but tell him to operate under a Wraith attack, and he was (as Sheppard would say) cool as a cucumber.

Heightmeyer kept talking to the five of them about the stages of grief. According to that chart, Ronon had mentally accepted the grief and started to move on with his life. However, there was more to it than that. The Runner wasn't hardened to death, but he had seen so many atrocities at the hands of the Wraith, so much death and destruction, that he had accepted it as a part of his life. Carson had made the right decision, something that Ronon understood. He also knew that the pain of Carson's death would hurt for a long time, and it would hard to be in the infirmary for ages to come; but Ronon realized that Carson wasn't truly gone.

The man hadn't betrayed anyone. Carson hadn't done the wrong thing. Therefore, he deserved to hold a special place in everyone's hearts, as did those expedition members that had already passed on. Ronon knew what Rodney, Elizabeth and John all had to go through every day, signing those papers to be sent back to the family members of the deceased or MIA. He knew that each of them kept a photograph of the person to remind them to keep going. Ronon was determined to make that pile of pictures as small as possible. It was the least he could do for the friends who had given him a life again.

Having come to that conclusion, Ronon once again relaxed against the balcony's banisters. He closed his eyes for just a moment to feel the sun on his face…and woke to Teyla stirring against his shoulder.

For once, he didn't instantly wake up. Ronon awoke in stages, which he hadn't done since being a young child, ages before he even had dreams of joining the military. It was an odd feeling, waking up so gradually, but Ronon didn't necessarily feel it was a bad thing. Atlantis was becoming something safe to him, a place where home and friends was the same thing.

Teyla awakened in much of the same way. Finally she opened her eyes, feeling more rested and at peace than she had in many days. She soon realized that she had been using Ronon as a pillow. "I'm sorry," Teyla said with a hint of flush appearing in her cheeks. Ronon shrugged as if to say it was nothing.

"Feel better?" He asked. Teyla nodded eagerly.

"I have not felt so rested since Carson's passing," Teyla looked momentarily surprised at her words, but broke into a smile, realizing that it was true. She didn't feel as if she was abandoning his spirit, but rather was fully welcoming it into her heart, as was Athosian custom. She owed Carson no less.

Ronon's stomach grumbled and Teyla let lose a small chuckle. He grinned in response, and the atmosphere between the pair became more relaxed, as if they had passed an invisible milestone. The two aliens had seemed to bond against the tide of Earthlings that ruled Atlantis. They didn't have any negative feeling for the newcomers, but it was reassuring to know that you had someone from your relative neighborhood to regularly hang out with. It also helped that they understood things a little differently, having lived under the finger of the Wraith for so long. They understood grief in all its forms, and knew how to reasonably deal with it. They weren't perfect, but it allowed them to help Rodney, Elizabeth and John in as many ways as they could. Both knew that someday they would once again rise up and win against whatever was holding them down. It was Teyla and Ronon's job to make sure they got to that point in once piece.

Teyla stood first, and offered a hand to the larger man. Ronon took it and allowed the smaller woman to help him up. By mutual consent, the two 'aliens' walked through the halls at a leisurely pace. Upon reaching the mess hall they saw that the lunch hour rush was petering off, as the many members of Atlantis began to exit the large room and headed back to their jobs.

They got their meals and began to eat in the relative quiet, conversing in a low tone. Their bubble of isolation was broken in a most unusual way.

John slid into the room at full speed, wearing only a pair of socks on his feet, his dark hair even more unruly than usual. He took in the mostly empty room and slid across the floor on his socks towards Ronon and Teyla. "Hi guys!" He said with a wide smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. "What're you doin'?"

Teyla looked at him with shock. Ronon seemed unable to form a response. "Colonel, are you okay?" She asked worriedly.

John smiled, but the grin was too wide, even for him. "Of course!"

"And you did not consume an unusually high amount of sugar at any point this morning?" Teyla continued, feeling as if she was questioning an errant younger brother.

"Nope!" John exclaimed gleefully. "I finished all my paperwork!"

Teyla and Ronon sat in stunned silence. "Paperwork?" They questioned in unison, stunned at the strange cause of jubilation.

"Yes! I finished it all. I don't think I've done that since I came to Atlantis!"

"Well…congratulations," Teyla answered diplomatically. "Did you come here to eat lunch?"

"Yup. I'm starving."

Ronon and Teyla exchanged bemused glances as John practically flounced towards the food that the chefs had lain out. John was determined to ignore any feelings other than his joy over finishing all his paperwork. He was especially determined to pretend that the email from Carson didn't exist, at least around other people.

His I-finished-all-my-paperwork rush seemed to have worn off by the time he had gotten his food, and he was able to walk back to their table at a more sedate pace, though the grin and the shoeless feet were throwing people off. Back at the table, he dove eagerly into his sandwich, while his friends finished off their own meals.

"Where's Rodney?" John questioned around a mouthful of food. It was almost a force of habit; no matter what, the scientist seemed to be able to get in the worst of trouble no matter where he was.

Ronon shrugged.

Teyla shook her head. "I assume that he is working with Dr. Zelenka on the hot water problem," Teyla responded. "I am unsure if they are finished though, because I have not yet seen either of them."

John swallowed and grinned again. "Well, we'll have to find him soon, because we've got a briefing later this afternoon for our mission tomorrow."

Teyla nodded sagely. "If you wish, I can see if they are working in the labs."

"And I'll check the desalination chambers," Ronon added. Ronon still had trouble wrapping his head around the explanation that McKay had shoved at him when the scientist was asked about the water supply. Something about desalinating the water only worked if the water was heated, so a portion was siphoned off as a hot water supply.

"And I'll ask around and see if they're working on something else," John finished cheerfully.

None of them even attempted to contact McKay through their radios, naturally assuming that Rodney had once again forgotten his. For all his brains, the Chief of Science was fairly scatterbrained when it came to things like that. The minute something was deemed unimportant- as the radio often was- it completely slipped off Rodney's radar.

John gobbled down the last of his food, and the three split off in an attempt to find the errant scientist.

--------------------

"Zelenka, if we hook the patch up there, we run the risk of deleting all the _very important _data that is part of the function recall of the desalination process!" Rodney practically shouted. As usual, a disagreement between Atlantis's top scientists had devolved into a shouting match.

"Again you do not listen! I am not suggesting a link up into the core processing- we should link the patch to the backup files!"

"But then patch wouldn't be accessed unless total system recall was initiated!"

"Exactly! So all we do is restart file, yes?" Zelenka retorted.

"Are you crazy?" Rodney demanded. "The desalination chamber is one of the few processes that have been working without a hitch. If we futz with it to much now, without knowing exactly what we are doing, we could crash the program, and then we'd all be screwed!"

"But we must do something before any other parts of the programming fail. If we patch it into the backup system, it should automatically recalibrate itself!"

"If that was the case, we shouldn't even bother with the…" Rodney trailed off, eyes going wide. Zelenka hid a rueful smile, recognizing the brilliance occurring before him, then prepared himself for the mental overload he was about to receive.

"Of course! All we have to do is have the systems run a self check on the back up files, and calibrate it so that it adjusts to new material! That way, we don't even need to completely write and algorithm from scratch- we can just use the safety protocol as a base-"

"And then hook our patch in there, and we solve problem for good!" Zelenka finished animatedly.

The geniuses grinned at each other, heated tempers of only a moment ago completely forgotten.

Ronon felt almost bad to be the ruin of their fun, but if Dr. McKay wasn't at the briefing he wouldn't be cleared for the offworld mission. He leaned against the doorway, hiding his small grin.

"McKay," he stated roughly.

"What?" Rodney snapped, irritated at the interruption. "I'm busy, can't you see that?"

"We have a mission briefing."

Rodney paused, elegant fingers already poised to create a patch on his laptop.

"Is okay," Zelenka commented. "I'll write up the algorithm, and after your meeting we'll patch it in and reset. You can tell Colonel Sheppard that it will soon be fixed, yes?"

McKay looked torn, but shook his head. "Fine," he muttered, packing up his gear, and followed the huge form of the Runner.

As they paced through the halls of Atlantis, Rodney found himself musing the fact that despite everything the pair had gone through together, Rodney was never quite sure how to approach Ronon in a one-on-one situation. Rodney knew that the man hadn't liked him at first (who did?) but was reasonably sure that he had grown on the Runner. Still…

It wasn't like the Runner was a complete secret from Rodney. His life, his history, he shared with his friends freely enough. More freely than John or himself, certainly, though nowhere near as freely as Teyla. It made Rodney feel a little guilty. Carson had known the most about all of them and certainly of Rodney in particular, thanks to long solitary evenings in the infirmary while they hurt and unable to do any sort of work. John was probably the one who knew Rodney next best. Teyla and Ronon were about on par, though Rodney had a sneaking suspicion that John was spilling the beans on him a little. The scientist didn't even have the heart to get upset. Sharing things now, things that only Carson had known would be…awkward, and filled with painful memories. It was better for someone else to do it.

For that reason Rodney not allowed anyone other than Carson to know of years as a pianist. He trusted his teammates to the ends of the earth, and loved them more than any family member except Jeannie, but to share his piano music with them after being unable to share it with Carson, his best friend, was unimaginable.

Rodney could still see Carson after the bomb, standing next to him on the pier like some untouchable mirage. Rodney swallowed, placing a fisted hand over his stomach to stop it from rebelling.

Rationally, he knew that it wasn't his fault on any level. Yet, had he just gone with his friend that once, just to take that damn fishing trip an entire painful day could have been different.

Apparently there was no such thing as vacation in the Pegasus Galaxy.

Ronon looked over, taking a peek at the miserable feeling that seemed to line every part of Rodney's body. It wasn't hard to guess what was on McKay's mind.

Ronon didn't have much experience dealing with other's pain, but he was well versed in it himself. He didn't try and give idle hopes or reassurances, positive they would be snarkily shot down by one Doctor Meredith Rodney McKay.

"Come on, we're late," Ronon brusquely stated instead, and picked up the pace until they joined John and Teyla who were already waiting outside Elizabeth's office.

John and Teyla smiled at Ronon and Rodney. The former returned their greeting, the latter glowered, upset. "How long do you think this will take?" Rodney demanded caustically. "I was in the middle of an important project."

"Whoa, hold it there McKay," Sheppard suggested, raising an eyebrow.

"What?" Rodney snapped acerbically while unconsciously rubbing his eyes tiredly.

Sheppard bit back a comment. He and Rodney had had a long heart to heart a long while ago about the events on Doranda at the urging of everyone around them (actually, they had gotten locked in a room together after a startling chain of events, but that wasn't the point). Regardless of the talk though, Rodney seemed ever-sensitive to even a hint that Sheppard didn't trust him. To say something now about Rodney taking a rest would be taken as an insult to his abilities to deal with work on top of Carson's death.

"Just chill for a minute would you? It's a briefing on one of the worlds that Lorne's team has been doing some work on. We're just going to help Lorne's team pick up all the supplies we traded for," Sheppard teased back, careful to keep his tone light.

Rodney's eyes darkened. "Great," he spat. "So now I'm the baggage boy? I have much greater things to be doing I'm sure. I could be helping Zelenka write that algorithm for fixing the desalination chamber for instance. You know, to fix the problem _your boys_ demanded the scientists solve?"

Sheppard wondered briefly what response his military personnel would have towards Rodney after hearing that they were called Sheppard's 'boys'. Especially the women. "You don't have to do everything thing yourself, you know?"

"Yes, and I'm sure that people would really enjoy the scalding hot showers, or salt water, or who knows what that will come out of that faucet if I'm not there to supervise the lab rats! Of course I have to do everything myself. It's the only way things will get done properly."

"Rodney, you can't do everything. It's impossible." Sheppard was beginning to have a sneaking suspicion as to why Rodney had such a gung-ho attitude towards working lately. He was trying to prevent another episode that led to those damned tumors that Carson had tried to remove. "And you couldn't have known what was going to happen." He finished in a lower tone.

"Yeah, well that doesn't exactly help," Rodney snapped bitterly.

Teyla and Ronon looked at each other warily as the subconscious topic of the conversation became more heated than normal. Teyla opened her mouth to intervene, trying to speak before Sheppard or McKay managed to say something phenomenally stupid and-

"Gentleman, Teyla, Major Lorne is ready for the briefing," Elizabeth said from beside them, leaning out of the conference room.

Sheppard's mouth thinned and he shot a look to Rodney, stating _this is not over_. Rodney promptly ignored the message and stalked into the conference room with his usual hauteur.

"Alright, let's get this started. I don't need to waste any more time than I have to on this little project."

Lorne sighed, a part of him unwilling to cut the scientist slack, no matter what the man was going through. He came to a reasonable compromise. "Oh, well then. If they decide to behead you over some offense, I don't actually know where the jail is."

The entire group paused at that. Rodney's eyes grew wide. "They behead people?" He asked, voice almost a squeak.

Lorne shrugged. "Well, they're not _that_ technologically advanced," he said by way of explanation, though it explain nothing in actuality.

Rodney made an undignified sound that was remarkably similar to "Ulp!" and then took his seat at the conference table. Unable to stay daunted however, he quickly set up his laptop.

"Alright Lorne," Sheppard drawled once they were all settled. "What have you got for us?"

Lorne nodded in acknowledgement. "Well, sir, for starters, they call their planet Ophedia. There are several continents which are currently in friendly relations with each other. The continent that the 'gate is on is called Liry. The Lirians are nothing too special. They're pretty equivalent to the early 1900's from back on Earth. However, their culture means absolutely everything to them. You break the bigger traditions or make too large a social faux pas, and things aren't go to well for you. They're big into beheading in particular. However, the Lirians were happy to give us a list of basically the do and do nots. As long as we stick within the parameters, I don't foresee any problems with the trade."

"That's good." Sheppard nodded thoughtfully. "What are we trading in return for the grain, fruit and ability to study that tree that Dr. Parrish keeps going on about?"

Lorna hid a grin at the slur. Anyone who had been around the doctor- or even any of his fellow botanists- in the last few weeks had heard his eagerness to study the plant, though no one could quite figure out why. Something about its carbon dioxide intake had all the botanists in a craze.

"We've agreed to help them further their knowledge in the medical field, though we didn't tell them exactly how far we've come. We left that part to doctor discretion. We are also giving them access to some texts. For all their obsession with their own culture, it's like a huge country filled with anthropologists. They love to learn about this sort of stuff it seems."

Rodney couldn't help snorting. "Sounds like Dr. Jackson's paradise."

Lorne shrugged. "I guess. They've also agreed to back us up in an introduction to all the other countries, sir."

"Meaning…?"

"They're going to back up our claims for peace, and help us foster relations with the other nations of Ophedia. They'll help us with their cultures, and teach our linguists the other languages of the planet. Of course, the first three trade agreements we make with each country will have a share for the Lirians, but I think we are well on our way for forging a strong alliance."

"Well, that's a relief."

"Yes. It's pleasant to have a strong alliance from the start," Elizabeth agreed, eyeing SGA-1 with a slightly critical eye. Sheppard and Ronon rolled their eyes, Teyla offered a sheepish grin and Rodney snorted and started muttering about idiots.

"So what's our job?" Ronon asked, tilting back in his chair.

"Well, we'd like to introduce some more of our people, for starters. We're also going to need help carting our supplies back from Liry. Also, Dr. Zelenka, who came with us our last trip, thought he found some strange readings. Nothing unusually high, and no signs of anything being shielded, but the signature was remarkably similar to that of an Ancient device being activated. He thinks that there may be a small Ancients ruin somewhere on the continent."

Rodney leaned forward, half interested, half scornful. "And no one thought to tell me about it? Energy reading of any sort that may even _remotely _be related to the Ancients could give us more clues to ZPMs, or their projects, or who knows what, is one of my _primary_ concerns!"

Everyone looked at each other, but tactfully decided not to mention that it was his alternate universe's self's fault that they had lost one of the ZPMs in the first place. "I'm sure Zelenka would be more than happy to tell you his findings," John said, holding up a placating hand. "For now though, let's finish this meeting."

"Well, fine, but this could be very detrimental to the running of Atlantis if-"

"McKay!" Sheppard ordered, slightly sharper than he intended. Everyone look surprised at the command, and he softened it with a curt, "Please."

Rodney looked annoyed at the interruption, but didn't seem put out by the reprimand. John rolled his eyes at the scientist's typical behavior then motioned for Lorne to continue.

"I don't think there's to much more to add, sir. Like I said, as long as we stick to their rules, things should work out real well."

"Fair enough," Atlantis's military commander responded.

"If that's all, I'd like to get back to work. As I said before, I'm trying to get that hot water fixed. Goodbye," Rodney was ready to get out of the conference room and get back to being able to make a difference with his work.

Rodney had barely walked down the hall when John raced to meet him, sour mood out in full force. "What was that all about?" He demanded.

Rodney turned a glare on the flyboy. "I have more important things to be doing than going on a trading jaunt."

"You've done this before with a lot less complaining."

"Yeah, well our situation was a little bit different before, Colonel. I don't expect you to understand, but I have a hard time believing that my presence is necessary for a _trade_."

"McKay, you are a part of my team, so you're going."

"Am I supposed to be cheered or surprised by this new tidbit of information? Think with your little brain, Colonel. I don't really need to be there, especially not with your Kirk act. I have far more important uses when I'm not busy saving your collective asses."

"What is your problem?" John demanded, hazel eyes battling with Rodney's baby blues.

"Oh, I don't know. Could it be the fact that I'm being dragged off to work when I could be doing something useful? Maybe it's the fact that the scientists the Daedalus keeps sending me are able to match wits with amoebas. Or, it could be the shocking fact that I can't get peace and quiet for two minutes. If you need me, call," Rodney turned a bitter smile towards John. "I'm going to be busy, so don't need me, okay?"

He stormed off, leaving a shocked team in the wake of his tirade.

"That could have been handled better," Elizabeth commented, partially stunned.

"Are you kidding? I didn't even do anything wrong!" John protested, and ignoring Elizabeth's calls walked away equally angrily in the direction of his quarters.

Elizabeth rubbed her eyes. "I can't deal with this," she said hopelessly.

Teyla shook her head. "Allow me to go and talk to Dr. McKay."

Elizabeth gestured and a note of hopelessness entered her voice as she said, "Go, for all the good it will do." Teyla nodded and left while Elizabeth turned back into her office.

Ronon, left alone with Lorne, was surprised to hear the click of his radio. "_Ummm…Ronon, are you still planning on training the newest arrivals?_"

Ronon grinned wolfishly. "I'm on my way."

--------------------

Lorne was left on his own, and stared blankly at the now comrade-free space. "Well, that was interesting," he commented. He shook his head at the actions of his superiors, and smiled ruefully.

"Well, I've got some free time," he announced to the air. "I think I'll go finish that painting.

--------------------

TBC


	3. Sans

Wow! I hope you all watched and enjoyed the season premiere of Stargate Atlantis!!! I for one was very, very impressed! I hope you enjoy this next chapter as well!

**Imperfect Order**

--------------------

**Sans: Without.**

John paced the halls of Atlantis, filled with pent up energy. He felt bad for snapping at Rodney, but also felt like the scientist deserved it. He sighed. Running his fingers through unruly dark hair, he turned back towards his quarters.

In his room, he eyed his sweatpants and t-shirt, but didn't feel like jogging. He knew that there was a training session for the newbies, but wasn't up to being in front of so many inquisitive eyes, the whispered phrases about Carson's death and how it affected their commander.

As much as he hated to admit it, he needed to talk.

He made a circuit of the room once or twice, bringing up and discarding options. He knew he was using it as an avoidance tactic, trying to think of someone who could rationally help him because there was only one discernable option.

Heightmeyer.

John didn't like the idea of psychiatrists. He had always felt that if you couldn't help yourself, there was nothing that anyone else could do. Of course, in the interest of irony, he also realized that he helped his teammates deal with the recovery process, as they assisted him. Still, it was different than having a stranger poke and prod your brain as if you were a freak on display.

He made another circuit of the room, and was reminded of a line from National Treasure, the movie chosen for movie night a few weeks ago. _I know what _to_ do. I'm just trying to think __of anything else we_ could_ do. _

_And I really mean _anything _else_ John thought dismally. He sat on his bed for a moment racking his mind, and stood up again. He walked yet another circuit of the room, eyeing his jogging clothes again. He _really_ didn't want to see Heightmeyer. She wouldn't be any help, of course…but he couldn't talk to Rodney, Teyla, Elizabeth or Ronon. He was, not their leader, because that wasn't the word. He was supposed to be the commanding presence, respected, and he had to be strong at all times.

For instance, as comforting as it was, it still unnerved the Lt. Colonel to have his friends see him recovering from injuries in the infirmary. He'd never had people who would do that for him before, though he had grown more accustomed to the invasion of his privacy. To a certain degree he'd come to enjoy it, once he'd gotten over the shock.

He shared a rueful smile with the empty room as he remembered their first mission, after which he was forced to stay in the infirmary for a while. After that bug had been removed, Carson had demanded that John stay for a minimum forty-eight observation period. As John still wasn't feeling to well, he couldn't really argue the point, knowing that Carson would strap him down if need be.

Teyla had come striding in with a worried smile on her face. "How are you faring?" she asked. John unconsciously hitched up the covers to cover more of his body.

Ford and McKay stayed huddled in the doorway, clearly whispering, "No you go first!" to one another. John rolled his eyes at their antics and then turned to Teyla, turning on every ounce of boyish charm.

"Hey, don't worry about me, get out of here. I'm sure you guys would rather explore this place than stay here with me," John lightly teased in an attempt not to sound as if he were kicking them out. Which he was, of course.

"No, Major Sheppard," Teyla had said firmly. "On Athos, when a friend is injured, it is the duty of his or her friends to keep the heart healthy, the doctor to keep the body healthy, and the patient to keep the soul healthy." Planting herself firmly in a chair next to his bed, she presented her offering, a batch of what seemed to be a blue liquid. "Doctor Beckett had agreed to allow you to eat some soup. It is korrow soup, made from a root vegetable native to Athos."

John leaned back, uncomfortable. "It's okay, really. I know Beckett knows what he's doing, so you guys go off and do something. Really. I'll be fine here."

Teyla looked upset. "Major Sheppard, please. Allow me to assist you." She held out the bowl of light blue liquid.

"Teyla, seriously. Don't worry about me because I'll be fine. You guys really don't have to stay here."

Teyla's face grew even more upset. In the doorway, Rodney's brows met and he stalked into the infirmary. Ford looked surprised that his partner in crime had crossed into the room. "You!" McKay ground out. "You stop being stupid! You had a bug the size of a bowling ball attached to your neck!" Rodney pointed a threatening finger at Sheppard. "You are going to lay right there and eat that goop like she says and you are going shut up!" He poked John in the forehead.

John stared at him unabashedly with an open mouth. He didn't know the scientist very well despite the fact that they had spoken often enough. However rude and arrogant though, the man had already grown on him, and was quickly proving himself to be a good friend.

Rodney used the time John spent thinking to take a spoonful of the torrow soup and shove it into John's mouth. The physicist smiled, pleased with how confused John looked with a spoon sticking out of his mouth. Despite herself, Teyla giggled and Ford hid a smile as he crossed the infirmary to get to his CO.

"What are you doin' to mae patient?" Carson demanded in a rumbling brogue. He crossed his hands across his chest. "I know you aren't doing anything to annoy the lad, are ye, Rodney?"

Rodney proceeded to show how adept he was at the 'deer in headlights' look. "It's Sheppard's fault!" he exclaimed. "All we did was come in to make sure he wasn't going to die some horrible death because you medical idiots don't know left from right."

Carson heaved a sigh. "John, are they bothering you?"

All eyes turned to John. He was stuck between a rock and a hard place: If he said yes, Carson would throw them out without a moment's hesitation, teammates or not, but that wouldn't exactly be conducive to the bond of trust they needed to form. If he said no, then he would allow his teammates to see him suffer all sorts of embarrassing things.

Dammit.

Ford stepped forward. "It's okay; we'll be out of your hair as soon as he eats Teyla's soup, sir. We just wanted to make sure you're okay."

_Thank God for Ford _Sheppard had thought. Then the younger man had ruined it, shooting his superior a sly smile laced with humor and concern before uttering a set of words that eventually grew on John, though he hated them at first.

"But don't worry. We'll be back."

John smiled fondly at the memory, and hesitated as all the recent events washed over him. He bit his lip, looking at the door.

"This is the patch, Rodney. I had one of the programmers check it over, so-"

Zelenka rolled his eyes as he was interrupted by Rodney. "That's wonderful, but they aren't me. I want the program pulled up now." He flapped a hand, and one of the many lab technicians rushed to do his bidding. Rodney walked over to the screen where the coding to the desalination chamber was contained, eyeing it carefully. He stalked back to the computer as the scientists held their breaths. "What were you thinking!" He exclaimed right on cue. "This won't match up to the patch without the Ancient's linking code attached here-" Rodney typed something on the keyboard, "and here. Plus you've got this piece of coding confused. It should have a command protocol like-"

there was another moment of furious typing- "And this coding would be much more efficient if the access protocols were designed like this…" Rodney clicked away again, focused on the program. "Done!" Rodney exclaimed finally. The scientists in the room heaved a collective sigh of relief. His brow furrowed. "And I was thinking. If we can copy the safety protocols, we may be able to rewrite the coding enough to link it to other programs in the system. By using a modified algorithm, we might be able to keep from doing it all more or less by hand."

Zelenka raised his eyebrows. "But would that not increase the ZPM usage?"

Rodney shook his head. "No, not if we recalibrate how often we use it. It'll be a part of the safety protocol, and since we won't be doing it by hand, the programs won't be accessed for as long. We could feasibly cut down power usage by as much as .007 percent, even if we run the bi-weekly systems check like normal."

Zelenka nodded his head. "What about creating the algorithm? None of our previous coding has stayed linked to the database for more than a few hours. The systematic cleaning of foreign coding-"

"-Will not affect it if the coding is of mostly Ancient design. I'm surprised I didn't think of it earlier. We'll be using the safety protocol as the baseline comparison and if we follow the order, we'll have a better chance of getting a permanent connection."

"We've tried using the Ancient coding design already," Zelenka protested angrily. "You were the one to suggest it!"

"And now I'm suggesting this!" Rodney hissed. "We based our coding off of one of the _many _types of coding used by the Ancients. The safety coding should be universally known by the computers. Whereas we changed the coding for the desalination chambers so that it would recalibrate itself, we can change this coding to report any changes since the last system check. This way, there's also less of chance of mistake. If it works, we can hook it to our sensors as well." Rodney looked up from the computer and saw how many scientists were observing the conversation. "Don't you all have something you're supposed to be doing?" Rodney spat out. "I can't be everywhere, though sometimes it seems I have to be. Remember, lab rats, if I find out that any of you catalogued, checked, or even _touched_ something unknown without either Zelenka or my _express _permission, the reaming out you'll get will be the best part of your stay here. Now scat!"

The reaction was immediate. All of the scientists found tasks with which to occupy themselves. "Rodney," Zelenka sighed.

"Don't start, Zelenka." The physicist bit off.

"What has your panties in a twist?" The other man demanded quietly, drawing him aside.

"My 'panties', as you so delicately put it, are not in a twist!" Rodney muttered back, rage flashing across his face.

Zelenka pushed his glasses higher up on his nose. "Are you not hearing yourself? You demand things be done perfect!"

"Of course! We're betting lives here, Zelenka. We can't afford anything less. Besides, do you think people check my work? It needs to be done perfect the first time! I must and am always right! Now if you'll excuse me, I have work to do!"

Turning on his heel, Rodney stormed out of the lab with his laptop, dispersing the scientists who were in his way with his patented glare. Zelenka sighed, and seated himself on a lab stool. Running his fingers through his flyaway hair, the Czech removed his glasses and rubbed his eyes. It was barely mid-afternoon and already the second in command to the brightest man in the Pegasus galaxy was exhausted.

"Dr. Zelenka?" A timid voice asked from the vicinity around his head. Radek raised his head, putting his glasses back on. As his vision clarified, he was surprised to see a timid Dr. Katie Brown standing in front of him, shifting her weight awkwardly. Now that she had his attention, she lowered her voice even further. "Can I talk to you privately for a moment?"

Radek agreed and she followed his back to his private lab. "What this about?" he asked kindly.

"W-we-well," Katie stammered quietly. "Yo-you see, it's j-just that, um, well…"

Radek's eyes softened. For all Rodney was one of his best friends, there wasn't a lot of sweetness in the man's system, which had put off more than one female. However, he had been the one to help Rodney avoid the botanist for several months after Cadman's forced kiss as the man tried to sort out his feelings. As Rodney eventually tentatively started to speak with her again, Radek knew that the couple at the very least liked each other incredibly copious amounts to have survived this far, if not loved one another to a certain degree. To see the gentle scientist upset was heartbreaking. "It's okay," he said in his most soothing manner. "It is evident that it is something to do with Rodney."

"Yes," Katie said, blushing prettily. She bit her lip hesitantly before blurting out desperately, "Does Rodney hate me? I mean, I know I don't know everything about him, but he and Carson were such good friends and I really wanted to spend time with him and I thought it wouldn't matter if I had Rodney to myself just this once, and I never meant and harm and if I had just said no, then things might have gone over differently and…and…" Katie held herself as if she expected to get abused for her feelings. Her lips trembled and she stared at her shoes.

Zelenka's eyebrows climbed higher and higher up his forehead as Katie's explanation continued. "How could you think he hate you?"

Katie looked up through her hair, face wan in the fluorescent laboratory light. "He hasn't talked to me since Carson died," she rasped.

Zelenka swore in a long stream of Czech. "Jaký člen určitý do prdele was on myslící! Hodlám zabˇt aby man jeden čas na beton! Bláznivý génius potřeby jeden kopnutˇ do člen určitý kalhoty!" [What the fuck was he thinking! I am going to kill that man one day for sure! Crazy genius needs a kick in the pants!

Katie looked startled at the tirade. Radek was quick to reassure her that it wasn't anything that she had done. "I know you're still working with those ferns," the engineer continued. "So you should get back to them. Don't worry about anything. I will talk will Rodney, and see what this is about, yes?"

Katie hugged him, tears streaming down her face. "Oh, thank you Radek, thank you!" she told her superior. Planting a chaste kiss on his surprised face, she waved and exited the room feeling much better.

Radek touched his cheek with surprise. "Pošetilý žena! JÁ vůle pro každý případ celek is dobrý," he muttered to himself. [Silly woman! I will make sure all is right.

Furiously exiting his office, Zelenka headed back towards the general labs, lab coat swirling around his form. He had intended to spend his afternoon working on trying to retro engineer the personal shield devices. Thanks to the afternoon's events, he would not be able to settle down until he had berated Rodney to within an inch of his life.

Radek poked his head into the labs and was pleased to see that Rodney had not returned to irritate the scientists working in there. It also meant that Radek would be able to yell at Rodney in private.

Turning away from the doorway, he was startled to find himself suddenly on the ground, Teyla opposite him. "Teyla!" he said, surprised to find the Athosian near the labs. "What are you doing here?"

Teyla stood up and offered Radek a hand up. He took it gratefully and allowed her to pull him up. "I am looking for Rodney," she stated delicately.

Something about her tone put Radek on his guard. "What did Rodney do?" he asked in a resigned tone.

"Did something happen here?"

"You could say that. I do not feel I should discuss it though."

Teyla accepted Radek's words calmly. "I am in search of Rodney because he was involved in an altercation not long ago, and I fear that Rodney will have some apologizing to do to John."

"Oh no, what happened?" Zelenka groaned, feeling as if he was completely out of the loop. He suspected that whatever happened between Rodney and Colonel Sheppard would explain a lot of the scientist's behavior.

"Rodney was in a…unhappy…mood at today's meeting because he was to accompany us to a planet with which we are to trade. He was not himself, and snapped at both Major Lorne and Colonel Sheppard. After the meeting, he and John got into an argument, and he walked off. John was not willing to follow him, so I volunteered."

Radek exhaled heavily. "Then I may share my adventure with the result of Rodney's inability to play nice with others. Katie Brown just came to see me," he confided in a low voice. "Rodney's been ignoring her. She thinks that it her fault, because she agreed to lunch."

Teyla's mouth puckered a little, a tiny flash of anger alighting in her eyes, but it was squelched firmly enough. It was replaced with a worn look.

The pair shared worried glances. "This is not good," Teyla murmured. "Both John and Rodney are adamantly keeping quiet about everything. I'm afraid if they don't talk to one another, their friendship may be irrevocably damaged," Teyla finished.

"Matka of Bůh," Zelenka breathed. "It's that bad?" [Mother of God

Teyla hesitated, but nodded resolutely. "Neither is speaking to anyone about what has happened to them lately, and I, Elizabeth, Ronon, and Dr. Heightmeyer fear that they may be on the verge of a mental breakup."

"You mean breakdown," Radek corrected, half smiling as the Athosian woman nodded at the correction of her mistake.

"Yes." The lithe woman paused before querying, "Dr. Zelenka, would you agree to help me talk to Rodney?"

"Of course," the engineer agreed, running his fingers through his wild hair once more.

The pair set off down the halls together, perusing their private thoughts quietly. Teyla deferred to Zelenka's lead, allowing the man to lead her to Rodney's laboratory.

Rodney was sitting at his computer surrounded by several other laptops, rushing between them, and spitting out curses every few moments. He turned to one of the white boards that were still in the room and wrote out a lengthy equation. He considered it for a few seconds before attempting to solve it. He plugged the new equation into a computer just as another beeped. He viewed the result, and threw the whiteboard marker at the wall with as much force as he could muster. Settling down on the lap stool he sighed, still facing away from the door.

Ignoring the sign on the door (Enter at your own risk; I have dangerous and delicate tests in progress, and I have no concerns about feeding you to Wraith if you mess things up!) Teyla knocked on the door and questioned, "Dr. McKay?"

Rodney whirled around in the seat, and unsuccessfully tried to keep his balance. He fell out of his chair and smacked his head on the table. Everyone in the room froze for a moment.

"Ow," Rodney said plaintively. It broke the moment. "Ow! Ow!" he shouted, clutching his head, curling it towards his body. "What did you do that for?" Rodney moaned.

Teyla rushed in, Radek a beat behind her. Teyla leaned down and carefully moved Rodney's elegant fingers so she could peer at the lump that was forming. "Do not worry, it is nothing serious," she reassured him.

Rodney glared up at the pair. "Give a man some warning!" he growled as he eyes watered from the pain. "Do you have any idea how badly I could have hurt myself? I'm sure I lost very valuable brain cells on that little maneuver, and I can't exactly afford to lose any if I'm going to be constantly saving your butts!"

Zelenka sighed. "I'm sure you're fine," he told the astrophysicist in a placating tone.

"That's what you say now!" McKay muttered, still clutching his head pathetically. "To what do I owe this misfortunate visit?"

"Your attitude for starters," Zelenka replied blithely.

There was a beat of silence, where Rodney and Teyla gaped at Radek. Even Radek seemed surprised with himself. Then Rodney's face tightened, and Radek frantically tried to back track. "Well, even the more experienced scientists are starting to feel that-"

Rodney held up a hand. He rubbed his head ruefully for a moment. "Okay, well, I can admit I deserved that. I mean, though I sometimes appear to be perfect in every way, at this point it's still impossible for it to be achieved, even for me." He waved away the offered hands and stood up carefully.

However, the smile faded away as another computer beeped. He rushed over and examined it for a moment. Rodney typed a command on the computer, but it didn't respond. "Dammit, dammit, dammit!" he muttered in a tight voice. He typed in another series of equations, and waited for them to load into the program.

"Rodney!" Teyla said to remind him of their presence, a little more sharply than she intended. "Rodney," she continued in a gentler tone. "We need to discuss some matters with you."

Rodney looked astounded that they were still there. He had forgotten them already in light of his work. "What matters?" he asked, itching to get back to his simulations and programs.

Teyla smiled slightly at his cooperation. "About your argument with Colonel Sheppard," she said gently.

"And about Dr. Brown," Zelenka hurried to add.

Rodney's face closed off. "Get out," he demanded flatly. "Get out of this room right now. Those matters are none of your concern."

Teyla took another step into the room. "Rodney, you are not yourself. You keep late nights and argue with many scientists. You will not talk to myself, or Ronon, or John, or Elizabeth. We are your friends, Rodney, and we wish to see you well again," she pleaded.

Rodney rested a hand on the lab table and stared at it stubbornly. "Yeah, well look where friends got me," he whispered in a strangled voice. He'd opened himself to Carson, and the doctor had dared to die on his watch. He clenched a fist and felt his body tense further.

"You cannot blame Carson!" Teyla exclaimed in a shocked voice.

"Of course not!" Rodney exclaimed with equal shock, allowing his blue eyes to meet hers. "Carson was one of my best friends! How could you even think that?"

"Carson was loved by many. He…" Teyla could feel herself tearing up and a well of pain opened in her chest, though not nearly as bad as in previous times. "We all still feel great sadness for his passing."

Rodney shook his head. "I don't want to talk about it, okay? Seriously, Teyla, just leave me be. I'm fine. And for your information, I'm not overworking myself. It just so happens that I'm the only one that can do it right."

Teyla extended a hand. "Please Rodney. Stop working for just a moment, and talk to your friends. We are all worried because you have to warm a heart to be alright. A dear friend has died. You cannot pretend that you are not hurt."

"Well, someone misinformed you about my heart. It's three sizes too small, remember?" Rodney said sarcastically. He stared at Teyla's hand as if wishing he could take it, but turned away resolutely.

However, the Athosian was in no frame of mind to give up. "You do not seem alright, and your heart is not three sizes to small. Please Rodney, please. Please." She extended her hand further.

Rodney closed his eyes and swayed, the long nights of work and little sleep wearing on him. "I can't."

As if he was an animal to be coaxed, Teyla carefully walked forward. "We are your friends," she reassured Rodney. "Please allow us to help you."

"Katie thinks you blame her," Zelenka announced suddenly.

Rodney tensed, back on his guard. Teyla's eyes flashed angrily. "Dr. Zelenka!" she hissed in an angry undertone.

Zelenka shook his head. "I am sorry but I cannot hold my silence. She come to me in tears, Rodney. She believes that you can only hate her for agreeing to lunch. You must tell her it is not her fault before she does something drastic."

Rodney gaped unattractively, feeling like a fish. "She _what_?" He shouted, askance.

"She thinks you hate her." Zelenka repeated, pushing up his glasses.

"But she- but you! And then them! Oh! Them! But…gnah!" Rodney gestured. He sent the interlopers of his lab an enraged glare. "Out!"

Teyla and Radek exchanged anxious glances, and Radek flushed, looking embarrassed. He mouthed a 'sorry' just as Rodney began to herd them out the door.

"Go away, I'm busy, and I have much better things to be doing than listening to your pointless drivel. For the last time, I am perfectly okay!"

Teyla tried to turn back and argue her point and was angered to find the door slide shut in her face. Radek was already walking away, head down and hands buried in his lab coat's pockets.

She roughly grabbed his arm. "What did you do that for?" She questioned, staring at him as if he was crazy.

The other man shrugged. "The man needs to get his priorities in order. If he talks to Katie, it might be the start. He will not stay away after that little performance."

Teyla raised her eyebrows. "But you…" she trailed off.

"You do not live in Czechoslovakia with more siblings than you can count for very long if you don't know how to act." Radek said with a slight smile. "He cares for Dr. Brown differently than he cares for you or I. She is not as well known yet, as dear. You have heard the proverb 'You cannot see the forest for the trees', yes? Hopefully she will help him see thing different."

Knowledge lit up in Teyla's eyes. "And if Rodney speaks with Dr. Brown that may change his opinion on speaking about Carson's death. He may be willing to talk to us." Her face threatened to break into an all out grin. "Dr. Zelenka, thank you," she said energetically.

The engineer shrugged again. "Wait until he speaks with her before you share your thanks. Rodney is not the only genius around here," Zelenka finished, and startled Teyla with a wink before striding back towards the labs.

Teyla stood stock still for a moment before breaking into a laugh. Once again, she was reminded just why Radek was Rodney's second in command; the Czech had a different sort of brilliance that lay not only with engineering, but also with people.

After offering a short prayer to any higher being in thanks, Teyla's eyes grew a tad anxious. She truly hoped that Rodney would talk to Dr. Brown and that it would encourage him to talk to his friends. All would be willing to listen to his words, Teyla knew. _Please Rodney, _she thought, a tinge of desperation coloring the thoughts _please figure out how to save yourself!_

The next morning dawned cool and bright, sending the towering spires of Atlantis glittering. The ocean breeze swept across the city's many balconies, caressing the many people who awaited the sunrise so eagerly.

Elizabeth had been up for almost three hours, despite the fact that it was almost six o'clock. She gratefully nursed the cup of Athosian tea that Teyla had introduced her to a couple years ago. Though the planet's tilt and the city's placement allowed for almost year-round spring weather, it was still chilly in the mornings. Elizabeth stifled a yawn. The expedition leader was tired enough to fall asleep where she sat, but the knowledge that she would awake to another nightmare kept her from finding respite.

Today was the three month anniversary of Carson's death.

Every day continued to remind her of his presence. The Christmas and birthday presents that he had given her the past three years decorated both her private quarters and her office, as did the gifts of all her other friends. The infirmary was strangely quiet without his soft brogue reassuring patients and discussing matters with the nurses. The conference meetings were hell itself. Every time a medical issue was brought up, she asked Dr. Beckett's opinion, only to turn and find a flushing Dr. Keller there instead.

Elizabeth was getting sick of those awkward silences.

A tear slipped down her cheek and she hastily wiped it away, glancing into her office. She knew that rationally no one from the 'gate room could see her, but just knowing they were right outside forced her to keep a calm and collected exterior. She sipped her tea, calming her troubled mind as best she could with the welcoming glow of sunshine. She finished her cup of tea as the sunrise finished, and with a heavy sigh she left the balcony for her office. Walking inside, she set her cup aside and booted up her computer. Logging in quickly (Her password was Sanctuary) she perused the files.

Like usual, she checked her email first, and was gratified to see that John had listened to her threats; he seemed to have completed all his paperwork, judging be the size of the file.

She opened it, frowning as the computer froze. Elizabeth glanced regretfully at her empty cup and caved, leaving her office and the irritating computer in order to make her way to the commissary, where more tea could be found.

Quiet conversations floated through the hallways and Elizabeth made sure she had a smile for everyone who wandered past her. She knew the smile was brittle and her face wan, but still did her best to show and encouraging face to her people. They nodded back, whispering or shouting or laughing their hellos in accordance with their nature.

She stepped into the mess hall, and watched with a sense of satisfaction at the tables. It was a good thing that she had been so adamant that first year with Sheppard. He had been resisting the idea of having a scientist on every team. He'd argued that the SCG had specialized teams; why couldn't Atlantis do the same?

She'd argued right back, heatedly saying that Atlantis was a scientific mission, a civilian mission, not a military one. As such, she would make sure to foster the best relationships that she could between people, starting with relationships between the scientists and the military personnel.

John had glared back, lips set in a thin line and eyes stony. He had agreed, but Elizabeth wasn't quite sure that she had won that argument. The Major had seemed a little preoccupied with his new leadership. Not that she could blame him; starting a command by shooting the superior officer was not a really great start, all things considered.

However, the fruits of her command were sitting right in front of her. The three second in commands- Zelenka, Lorne and Cole- were seated together, heatedly exchanging some sort of conversation.

A few of the botanists were discussing something eagerly with an engineer and a programmer. As she passed by their table, she was bemused to find them discussing the possibilities of finding a robotic plant. One of the botanists, whose name was Dr. Parrish, raised his eyebrows before laughing at a comment.

For all they'd sacrificed, it was a wonderful reward to see everyone at ease with one another.

As Elizabeth patiently waited in line for a chance to fill her cup with more tea, she was greeted by a subdued Lieutenant Cadman and slightly more chipper Captain Lyczmanenko.

"Morning!" they hailed their expedition leader in unison. Both smiled at the other ruefully.

"How're you this morning?" Lyczmanenko asked, her face smiling apprehensively.

Elizabeth motioned with her newly filled cup. "I've been better," she admitted truthfully.

Cadman looked down, anguish written clearly on her face. "So've we all," she mumbled into her coffee cup.

Elizabeth felt her heart go out to the woman. Though things hadn't exactly worked out between Cadman and Carson, they retained their friendship as best as possible. Things had still been strained when Carson had passed, and Elizabeth could see the resulting strain on Cadman as clearly as she felt her own pain.

Elizabeth placed a warm hand on Cadman's shoulder. Laura offered a tentative smile, one that grew a little as Elizabeth patted the younger girl comfortingly.

"Would you like to join us for a quick breakfast?" Lyczmanenko asked, quietly offering her two friends support.

"I'm not sure. I've got some work to do…" Elizabeth trailed off.

"Please?" Laura said, extending the invitation further.

Elizabeth smiled warmly. "Sure. It's nothing that a few minutes will hurt."

They seated themselves at an open end of the table, Elizabeth setting down her cup, the captain and lieutenant setting their trays at the table.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, quietly eating their meals. Lyczmanenko looked up, seeming to debate over something. "We have to talk to you," the woman finally admitted. "It's about Carson."

Elizabeth stiffened slightly, unconsciously adopting a more formal tone. "Of course. Please continue, Captain."

"Anna, please."

"Anna, then."

Anna set down her fork and cleared her throat. "Ummm…well, for starters, this isn't my idea. It's kinda…everyone's. I mean, not everyone was involved, but we were discussing things and, well, you see, now I'm rambling."

Elizabeth raised and eyebrow, waiting for petite woman to get to the point.

"Okay. Anyways. Well, you see, Lorne, and me and Zelenka, and Cadman, and Mallozi, and well, a lot of us, ma'am, got to thinking. We um, wanted to do something in Carson's honor, you know? Nothing big or anything, but just a thank you for all the work that he's done," she paused for a moment, but Elizabeth sensed she wasn't finished. "Well, you see, I know I'm new to this expedition. I've only been here a year. However, a couple of months ago, the Wraith attacked a planet my team was on. We managed to hide most of the people, but I got caught in the open. The only thing that saved me when I got hit by the Wraith stunner was the fact that I was already standing near the edge of a cliff. I fell off ma'am, and the Wraith took me for dead, because I must have been covered with blood. I've never been so scared in my life and I don't even remember much about what happened. Major Davids managed to get down and somehow I was alive, but it was clear that I wasn't going to be moving without having a doctor check me out. Once the Wraith left, Davids left and came back with Dr. Beckett."

Anna looked Elizabeth dead on. "Three cracked ribs, one pierced the skin. They thought at first that my left hip was shattered and it couldn't be repaired. I also had a severe concussion, and a sprained wrist and ankle. Dr. Beckett believed that I could fully recover from my injuries. Thanks to him, I was back on light duty in five months. And now I'm going to make it my job to stop the bastards who've raised hell around this place."

Elizabeth looked at the petite woman before her, and realized that she might not ever fully understand how much Carson had affected those around him. Feeling her eyes tear up, she blinked rapidly. "I'm sorry."

Captain Lyczmanenko shook her head. "With all due respect ma'am, I'm not. It didn't kill me, so it sure as hell made me stronger." Her intensity seemed to fade a little. "But my injury is just one of many that Carson healed. The man was a miracle worker, it seemed." Anna swallowed tightly. "So all of us, we want to give a little something back. We want to set a memorial of some kind in Atlantis. We don't know where, or what, or how, but we want to do it."

Elizabeth raised a shaking hand to her face as a few tears escaped. She buried her face in her hands for a few moments, while Lyczmanenko and Cadman looked on, fearful for their friend. Lyczmanenko looked especially dismayed at the expedition commander's reaction, concerned that she had hurt her friend in some way.

"Elizabeth," Cadman whispered, and moved to give the elder woman a hug. Elizabeth accepted it for a second before schooling her feature.

"Give me the details of whatever you plan, and I'll find a way to make it work," Elizabeth promised, eyes sparkling for the first time in ages. "You name it, we'll find a way to get it here."

Anna nodded her thanks, but Laura's eyes watered. "Thank you, thank you!" Laura gasped, the ache in her heart ebbing.

"My pleasure. Now ladies, I must get back work."

Laura and Anna turned to converse with each other while Elizabeth walked out in a daze.

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TBC


	4. Subito

This chapter isn't quite as long or as exciting, but it really leads into the next chapter. Hope you like it, and please read and review!

Imperfect Order

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Subito: Suddenly

_A memorial! _She thought. She was torn between crying and laughing. She knew that if Carson were alive, he'd say they'd spent their time better if they would just cooperate with in the staff in the infirmary. However, he wasn't there, and that was precisely why they needed to give something to honor the sweet and gentle man's memory.

Deep in thought, Elizabeth made her way back to her office. Back at her computer, she found herself unable to concentrate on anything work-related. Her thoughts kept slipping back to Carson.

_Was there anything that we could have done? _she thought to herself for the thousandth time. _Anything we could have said, to keep him from trying to remove that tumor?_ Elizabeth stood pacing around the room only to shake her head, lump growing in her throat.

There wasn't.

And yet…

She stumbled and was relieved to see no one around her. Picking herself back up, she rushed towards the bathroom in her office and closed the door.

Elizabeth used her brief respite from the world to curl in on herself, leaning against the door since she couldn't support her body any longer. Hot tears rolled down her face, and she found herself crying brokenly in the privacy of her bathroom.

Again.

Finally spent, she leaned her head against the cool porcelain of the sink, and closed her eyes for a few blessed moments. _God, Carson,_ she thought, anguished. _Why did it have to be you? _Elizabeth could feel her shoulders shaking with the effort of holding back more sobs. A noise burbled to her lips; whether it was a laugh or cry or a sheer, primal sound of pain, she didn't know.

The weeping began again, but slower this time. Elizabeth had time to try and figure out why this kept happening to her. Heightmeyer claimed that it was natural, though the psychologist's eyes grew dark when Elizabeth asked her why John, Rodney, Teyla and Ronon weren't doing the same. Heightmeyer always sighed, the darkness in her eyes deepening a little as she called them 'special cases'.

_Why couldn't _I _have been a special case? _Elizabeth moaned silently. _Anything would be better than this! I hate this, I hate this, I _hate _this!_

For a woman whose diplomatic skills were a major part of how she defined herself, such loss of control was not acceptable. _Everyone seems to be handling this better than me! _she screamed inside her brain. Heightmeyer claimed that what she was going through wasn't any different from anyone else. The only thing was, each person expressed their feeling differently.

_It's not fair _Elizabeth thought one more time, feeling helpless. _Will the memorial really change anything? Or am I going to go insane, right here?_

Elizabeth paused for a moment, motions stilling. She didn't _feel _insane yet, though there was always hope.

"_Dr. Weir, this is Sheppard. SGA-1 and SGA-2 are ready to depart from Jumper Bay," _her earpiece crackled.

Elizabeth sat up with a start, clenching her shoulder with a hiss as she rammed it into the sink. "Weir to Sheppard. Wait a second." She replied.

Scrubbing her face quickly, Elizabeth checked to make sure her appearance wasn't out of the ordinary, and walked out of her office with smooth decorum. "Dial the gate!" she called down to the various technicians.

Right on cue the chevrons began their journey around the 'gate. Tapping her earpiece again, Elizabeth told John, "Colonel, we are dialing the gate as we speak. You have a go."

"_Thanks, Elizabeth. We'll be sure to share the goodies we bring back."_

Elizabeth felt oddly compelled to grin slightly, though she had no audience and little good humor. "Of course, gentleman, ladies. Godspeed."

The Puddlejumpers descended into the gateroom, their burnished curves gleaming. The first shot off into the newly established wormhole, its gentle exit proclaiming that John was at the wheel. Less exquisite was Lorne's exit.

"Remember that your check in is in…" Elizabeth trailed off as the wormhole disengaged, and sighed heavily, hoping that between all the members of the trading party, someone would remember their twelve hour check-in.

She ran her hand along the railing for a moment before turning sharply and making her way back towards her office. Once inside, the pleasant mask she wore fell, leaving her feeling a thousand years old.

A sudden headache plagued her and the world swam languidly before her eyes. Elizabeth rubbed them and took a sip of the cold tea. She removed the clip that held her hair back and ran her fingers through the locks casually before allowing the clip to continue doing its job.

"Beep," her computer informed her solemnly.

She sighed yet again, trying to expel all the apprehension that filled her body. It didn't work, so she checked her mail.

It was an email from Heightmeyer, reminding her that they had a session starting in fifteen minutes.

Another sigh escaped.

She lingered over the rest of her tea, checking her watch constantly. Finally, Elizabeth decided that leaving couldn't be put off any longer and left the office, carefully closing the door behind her.

Atlantis was in full swing by now. Scientists hurried through the halls, shouts of misery and exultation tumbling from the labs. The USAF and Marines stationed throughout the halls chatted amiably with all their colleagues. On a corner outside the infirmary, Lieutenant Reed dolefully accepted crutches from a stern Dr. Cole. Both waved as she passed and she returned their greetings, heading past the infirmary and down the short hallway to Dr. Heightmeyer's office. She knocked firmly on the door and was surprised when no voice answered.

She knocked again, a little harder. "Dr. Heightmeyer?" she called tentatively.

"Ah! Elizabeth! You're a little early," Kate said from behind her. Elizabeth whirled, eyes widening, hand racing towards her heart. Kate staggered back and fumbled with the papers in her hands. The end result was that her coffee ended up decorating mostly the floor, the ceramic mug still in one piece against all odds.

"Oh! I'm sorry! Here!" Elizabeth picked up the mug and was torn between giving it back to Kate and holding on to it in order to be doing something useful. Kate smiled warmly, and placed a hand on the door. It slid open on her command and Kate ushered her patient inside. She dropped the stack of files onto her desk unceremoniously and walked over to the cupboards. "It's my fault, really. I shouldn't have come up behind you like that. It didn't occur that you wouldn't notice me."

Elizabeth hovered until Kate gave her some paper towels with which to help clean up the spill. "I should have been paying attention," Elizabeth insisted.

"Well, it doesn't matter. What's done is done." Kate finished philosophically.

The pair cleaned the floor to the best of their abilities. "Still, I really am sorry about spilling your coffee," Elizabeth admitted as they threw out the soggy paper towels.

Kate shrugged. "To be honest, I'm just glad it spilled out there. Do I really need to remind you how many computers I've fried by spilling coffee all over it? I thought McKay was going to have a heart attack when he found out I'd done it again. He came in screaming as if I'd just purposefully run over his cat." Kate was happy when she achieved her goal; Elizabeth laughed for the first time in ages. It wasn't for long, or loud, but it meant there was some progress being made.

"So, what's your schedule for today?" Kate asked casually once they were seated comfortably in her office.

"I just need to finish up the reports before the Daedalus arrives. Colonel Sheppard finished all his paperwork and I just need to finish up mine. All the supply requisitions are done, so I sent Lorne and Sheppard's teams to finish that trading mission with the Lirians today. Dr. Keller wants me to look over the work that Dr. Keer's team has done on that genetic code. I still haven't told either Keller or Keer that Dr. Black will be joining them. Zelenka is searching for the reason for some energy signals he's been picking up. I think that might be it," Elizabeth ticked each matter off on her finger, and furrowed her brow. "At least, I think that's it."

"Sounds like you've got a lot on your hands. Once the Daedalus drops of the supplies and leaves, things should settle down though, right?" Kate looked out of her window into the middle distance.

"Yes, I suppose," Elizabeth replied slowly. There was a beat of silence. "Is there something you'd like me to do with this down time?" Elizabeth prodded curiously when Kate didn't finish the thought. The psychiatrist sighed.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but if you can, I'd like for you to take a vacation." Kate held up a hand to forestall any replies. "Not necessarily back to Earth, and I'm not saying you have to do it. I think a change of scenery might help you, well, get away from it for a little while. Maybe you can visit the Athosians with Teyla for a few days."

Five minutes passed, and the only sound in Dr. Heightmeyer's office was the sound of the ocean. "I haven't been sleeping." The confession was followed by more silence. "I can't take the pills, Kate. I just can't." Kate waited patiently for her to continue, politely averting her gaze to the sunlit seas. "Captain Lyczmanenko and Lieutenant Cadman talked to me this morning. They want to set up a memorial for Carson in the city. It was like my worst nightmare came back during daylight. I don't know how long I sat in the bathroom, crying. I do know that the only reason I got out was because I had to see Lorne and Sheppard's teams off. Each time they go through that damned gate, I fret about if they are going to get back safely. Now it's even worse, because Carson isn't here to patch the up again." Elizabeth's lip trembled.

"I feel like there's something wrong with me."

Elizabeth brushed away some tears. "I always get caught unawares. When we were talking about his memorial this morning, when something medical comes up, when we get someone coming through hot, every time is like the first time. Is it like this for everyone?" she asked desperately.

"Every case is unique," Kate reminded the expedition leader, but the woman was already continuing.

"The worst is the staff meetings. I keep calling Dr. Keller, Dr. Beckett! And then Rodney makes this sour face, likes he's swallowed a lemon, and John looks away. Dr. Keller always flushes, and I hate having to apologize. _I don't want her here sometimes!_" Elizabeth exclaimed brokenly. "It's not her fault, and she's one of the sweetest people I've ever met, but I want Carson back. I trusted him, he was one of my best friends!"

Elizabeth curled up in the chair. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I'm just too stressed to deal with this all. Maybe I need a few days to get my head back in order. I just didn't want him to die," Elizabeth murmured numbly. The tears stopped, leaving a shadow of Elizabeth's former self crouched in the chair.

"He was a good man. One of the best. We will never forget him. Who knows what will happen? This is a crazy galaxy. We've not lost hope," Kate comforted tenderly. "You can't forget that he died doing what he loved best. He saved a man's life, Elizabeth."

"I still wish he'd stayed alive."

"Don't we all."

"Carson didn't take vacations. I'd keep trying to encourage him that it was alright, but he never seemed to get it. That fishing trip was the first time he'd ever been away from Atlantis for more than a few hours for anything besides mission purposes. I don't…I don't know if I can take one right now."

"Elizabeth," Kate leaned forward intently. "We are not talking about Carson. We are talking about the fact that you look like you're about to fall apart. As a therapist, I'm trying my damndest to save you, but you've got to take some time to sort through things by yourself. I can't unscrew the top of your head and fix your brain, as much as I'd like to do it to people some days."

"That bad, huh?"

"Yes. But Elizabeth, don't belittle the work you've done. It's important. _You_ are important, as a friend and leader. Please at least consider my suggestion. Of course, I can't force anything, but I think a couple days off with just Teyla or someone, and some fresh air, might really help things."

"I'll think about it," Elizabeth agreed quietly.

"That's all I can ask."

As soon as they were through the wormhole, John nudged the controls to the left and the 'jumper responded to his call by sweeping out in a huge arc, glittering brightly under the force of the planet's two suns. It was a pretty picture, the orbiting gate and 'jumper.

"Huh, binary system," Rodney leaned forward over John's shoulder, pressing again the pilot chair. "This is the first solar system in which we've seen this sort of binary arrangement. There were theories, you know, that only single star systems could feasibly support life. This, now this…" Rodney stared out of the window in awe, features transforming from the angry scowl of just minutes ago to joy and wonder, already reveling in the new discovery. "I can't wait to study this system! Does the double system increase the ellipses? Or does it change the weather? Usually, that's a part of planetary tilt, but with two suns, anything is feasible." Rodney snatched his radio as Teyla and Ronon exchanged amused glances at Rodney's renewed enthusiasm for science that had been lacking lately. John simply tried to concentrate on flying towards the settlement.

"Lorne, you didn't think it was important to mention that _this planet has two suns_? And why doesn't the increased radiation have any affect on our equipment? What about moon? How many planets are in this system? And does this planet have a tilt?" Rodney said in an eager tone while drawing up as much relevant information as he could on his data pad.

"_Ummm…I didn't think it mattered, and I'm not sure. For all of the questions. Does it matter?_" Lorne's voice emanated from the radio sounding slightly confused.

"Of course it matters!" Rodney snapped back into the radio.

John rolled his eyes. "Rodney," he drawled, a reminder for the astrophysicist to check his tone. Despite that, John had to admit being pleased, because even these days Rodney's tone was far gentler than it had been when the scientist first joined the team. Once upon a time, bitter harshness seemed permanently etched into his voice. However, as Rodney finally it opened up to his friends the tone had faded away almost completely, until even a mild reprimand made Rodney check his tone automatically.

"Of course it matters," Rodney exclaimed again, but not before sending the colonel a quick roll off the eyes. "Your answer might very well change how we consider the composition of the universe in terms of human life."

A beat of silence.

"_I plead the fifth_," Lorne informed Rodney tartly. There were dimly heard chuckles in the background of Lorne's 'jumper. Rodney sighed gustily, and furrowed his brow. Instead of responding, Rodney pulled out his laptop, opening a new file and recording his observations.

"Bet you're glad you came now." John allowed the humor to escape into his voice. It had been a long time since he'd been so comfortable.

"That's right, mock the genius who is most likely going to save your butts in the next twenty-four hours," Rodney muttered dryly as Ronon and Teyla joined John's chuckling.

Atmosphere considerably lighter in the Grand Scheme of Things, John was pleased to see the large town peeking out from the rolling hills that carried farms. He slowed the 'jumper with a touch of his mind, allowing Lorne to take the lead. Lorne led him steadily towards the town before banking with considerably less grace than John. A couple hundred yards outside the town a space had been cleared and an elder Lirian man waved with a wide smile on his face. Behind him stood another three men and two women who seemed more cautious than their leader.

John hovered for a few moments, allowing Lorne to settle his craft before making his usual exquisite landing. The back hatch opened and landed with a soft thump on the green grass. "Alright boys and girls, the ride has now come to and end. Please disembark carefully."

"Of course, John," replied Teyla, humor glinting in her eyes, and walked off confidently. Ronon and Rodney snorted at the same time, before exchanging slightly amused glances. John made sure everything was in order before following his team.

Lorne had already disembarked and was waiting for all of them with the Lirians.

"Welcome to our fair town!" the eldest man exclaimed as they approached. He did something complicated with his hands before bowing. Just as John was wondering what he should to do greet the man, the Lirian smiled warmly.

"Ummm…hey," John greeted, forgoing the hand gesture and bowing instead. He didn't remember reading anything about hand gestures in Lorne list of do's and don'ts, but it was better safe than sorry. He might accidentally sign something rude.

"Friends, we welcome you to our town of Garta." The woman who spoke had a lined face, belying her earlier appearance of youth. She stepped forward, and her raised chin told the Atlanteans that she was in charge of matters here.

Lorne took the lead, in keeping with Lirian tradition. "Colonel John Sheppard, may I introduce to you Mayor Isa Delgatia of this esteemed town?"

John nodded, and spoke the next part of the Lirian's complicated introductions. "I say with honesty, yes."

Lorne turned to the mayor. "Our leader greets you with honesty."

A younger man stepped forward next to Mayor Delgatia and proceeded to act as Major Lorne had. "Mayor Ise Delgatia, may I introduce to you Colonel John Sheppard, of the offworlders?"

"I say with honestly, yes" Mayor Delgatia responded.

"Our leader greets you with honestly," the male told the Atlanteans.

"We present you with our thanks and plea that you harbor our bodies, mind, and souls." said Lorne, moving onto the next step in the greeting process.

"We accept and honor the plea. Our thanks for this chance to speak and trade with you." The man said.

Some invisible signal passed through the group and they relaxed, warm smiles appearing on their faces. As was custom, Lorne allowed the words to finish ringing before introducing the other members of the group. "Teyla Emmagan, Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay, Specialist Ronon Dex, may I introduce to you the members of Garta: Dr. Jorr Het, Phy Orlarianophe, Litilia Camme, Dr. Idi Gar, Soreph Glik and Government Official Tylironte Yzdemmat?"

Teyla and Ronon replied in unison, "I can say with honesty, yes." with Rodney a ragged beat behind.

"Our people greet you with honesty."

"Dr. Jorr Het, Phy Orlarianophe, Litilia Camme, Dr. Idi Gar, Soreph Glik and Government Official Tylironte Yzdemmat, may I introduce to you the members of the offworlders: Teyla Emmagan, Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay and Specialist Ronon Dex?"

"I can say with honesty, yes," the group replied in unison.

"Our people greet you with honestly," Phy said formally.

Another signal passed through the group, and the Lirians began to intermingle. "Colonel Sheppard," Mayor Delgatia smiled warmly. "I am truly happy that you have agreed to trade with us."

"It was our pleasure." John answered with a half-shrug. The mayor let lose a laugh.

"Come, all! We have prepared a meal for our guests in the main hall!" the woman extended a hand, and John belatedly remembered that the leaders of two parties always walked together as a sign of friendship. They linked arms and led the party.

Behind them John could hear Telya begin extending hands of friendship to those who were near her, engaging them in the customs of her own culture, and expressing her own interest in the customs of the Lirians. _A born diplomat _John thought with a flash of pride. Teyla always did well as a member of his team.

Ronon was being talked at by the government official, whom John later discovered was the elderly man who originally greeted them. He couldn't hear their topic of conversation, but Ronon's rumbling undertone reassured the colonel.

Rodney was eagerly pestering the female doctor, who worked with the planetary geology and meteorology of Ophedia. He kept up a steady stream of questions about the binary star system, spouting off complex equations that had Dr. Gar either nodding along or shaking her head, explaining the differences. She seemed equally stunned to find out that a planet could exist with one sun, and when Rodney paused to take a breath, she asked him questions at a speed that even he was hard pressed to keep up with. It was nice to see Rodney take his mind off the present for a while, delving back into the world of science that drove his passion.

In a comfortable silence, Mayor Isa led John the main hall. They passed many people, and the entire party bowed in greetings, and the townspeople bowed back.

The streets were wide and cobblestones. Many of the natives were carrying grains towards the 'jumpers, often staring at the newest offworlders with ill-concealed awe or shock. Children peered at them from windows, interested in the latest novelties, while some of the women whispered excitedly as they caught a good look of John, Lorne and Ronon. John kept his face carefully blank. Not only was he not interested in allowing his Kirk reputation to be extended, it was absolute taboo to show an interest in a woman without an intricate ceremony that made the greeting ceremony look like a quick hello.

Instead, he began to make ask some generic questions of his host, which she answered with refreshing easiness. They spoke of the weather, of the town and of the trade.

The walk took nearly fifteen minutes, but the Atlanteans were astonished to see the main hall.

It was almost Ancient looking in design, with four elegant spires that reminded John of Atlantis. It had the same burnished metal sheen, while beautiful stained glass windows depicting images from Lirian history threw sprays of color across the grass. Wooden doorways and shutters had been thrown wide open, gently accenting the curvature of the building. The effect was similar to that of a gothic church being seen in its prime.

"It's wonderful," Teyla breathed.

"Thank you," the mayor proclaimed, smiling with inherited pride. "The main hall of our town has been standing for at least six thousand years. Our scientists have yet to discover much about the metal, as our technology only advanced enough in the last decade or so. However, it has withstood many Wraith attacks. We have indeed been forced to replace the windows and doors, but the building itself has been undamaged by anything the centuries have thrown at it."

The minute the mayor mentioned 'standing for at least six thousand years' John could practically sense Rodney's desire to go into full scientist mode and study the building. John also had a feeling that his teammates and Lorne's team had the same thoughts he did; similar style, longstanding, high quality metal…

Was the building at least partially created by Ancient hands?

Ronon put a restraining hand on the astrophysicist. Rodney glared at him, and shook off the offending appendage, but didn't stray from the group.

"Shall we enter and partake of the food that has graced our tables?" Phy asked of the group.

The Lanteans were barely half a second behind the Lirians in declaring, "We shall enter and give thanks for our food."

"Excellent!" The mayor declared, and with John, led the way into the building.

Inside was a feast that could have fed half a dozen Rodneys and Ronons, and still have leftovers to spare. The Lirians immediately moved to sit at the long table, but the Atlanteans hesitated. Lorne caught Sheppard's attention and subtly indicated at the chair beside the mayor. Teyla caught the exchange, and turned to Lorne, who indicated towards the women that Teyla had spoken with during the walk. Ronon was directed near the government official, Tylironte Yzdemmat. When Lorne finally managed to catch Rodney's attention, Lorne slyly pointed towards where the other doctors were seated. As his own team settled, he sat in his own chair, near to the Speaker of the Lirians, Phy.

Rodney stared unabashedly at the food, until Teyla have him a not-so-subtle kick. She ignored his offended features, returning to her conversation with Litilia.

"Honored guests, we partake off this food that has graced our tables in the hopes that it will fill out hearts, souls and stomachs. May we be bonded together in friendship, and our peoples will have a bountiful harvest." Everyone brought their hands together in a way that reminded the Earthlings of an oriental style.

The entire party, now free to dig into the food, did so with gusto. John noted at least five different vegetables (well, based on their green color they were vegetables), a kind of meat (remarkably similar to chicken), and something that appeared similar in appearance to a fish (tasted like crab though…John could see Ronon happily taking seconds already) and some sort of grain (it tasted vaguely like rice that had been soaked in some vinegar; vile on it's own, but when paired with the vegetables, quite tasty).

Lorne couldn't resist sending a triumphant look towards Colonel Sheppard, who acknowledged the glance with a wry smile. _Yes, fine, trading with these people was a brilliant idea _John conceded happily, and grinned easily and with more pleasure than he had for the first time in ages at the subordinate who was becoming more and more like a friend.

Lunch passed without incident, and John found that he was beginning to genuinely like these people. Though they seemed formal to a fault, and loved their culture, if the Lirians liked you, they put _all_ their effort into liking you. Even McKay, who had gotten on the bad side of more than one person had been kept out of trouble by Dr. Gar, who, even more strangely, seemed to genuinely like the man.

_I'll have to ask him who is the real Kirk here _John noted idly, watching Dr. Gar flip her hair over her shoulder with an unmistakable flirtatious smile. However, when Rodney didn't seem to notice, John raised his eyebrows. _I guess he likes Dr. Brown more than I thought. _

"Colonel John Sheppard," Mayor Delgatia intoned in a voice just loud enough to be heard by the entire room. The noise slowly settled, expectant eyes turned to the two leaders. "I am pleased to formalize our trade agreement. I believe that you Atlanteans are good peoples, and it would be an honor to represent you to the Delegation next time you are here to visit."

"It is we who thank you. This trade agreement will greatly help our people. With hope, we will have a long and true friendship with Liry," Sheppard scrambled to remember the general tenure that Lorne had insisted he say when accepting the trade agreement. From the broad smiles that began to grace the open faces of the Lirians, he had chosen his words well.

"Come then! If we have feasted and given thanks, let us uphold our part of the bargain. As we have spoken here, the townspeople have been carrying supplies to your ships."

"We have carried the texts you desired with us, but we wanted to ask what time would be most convenient for our doctors to come and work with your people," John responded, the formal tone beginning to feel more natural.

"Thank you. Shall we?" Mayor Delgatia gestured back in the general direction of the puddlejumpers.

"Can I steal Colonel Sheppard for just a moment?" Rodney interrupted, sounding, to a certain degree, as high as a kite.

John sent Rodney a concerned look. "Yes?" he asked quietly.

"Sheppard, we've got to come back here! There are symbols all-"

"Of course," John interrupted smoothly. "But right now we have to get these supplies loaded up. When we arrange for the doctors to come over, we'll see what we can do with getting you to come as well, okay?"

Rodney looked vaguely disgruntled at the comment, but Dr. Gar had already sidled over, looking eager to continue their conversation. John made a 'shoo, shoo' motion, and Rodney rolled his eyes grumpily.

"Sorry about that," John apologized to the mayor, who grinned, eyes sparkling. "We have an obsessive scientist in our midst." John shot a glance at Rodney, but luckily the man hadn't heard.

"Of course. Aren't we all like that to some degree?" Sheppard nodded his agreement. "Shall we?" Mayor Delgatia repeated, and the gathering exited the building, chattering lightly with one another.

At a stately walk, the two peoples proceeded back to the 'jumper. Once the arrived, they discovered that the entire area was surrounded by covered wagons. "Unfortunately, we cannot spare enough people to help you load all these things onto your ''jumpers', as you call them, so you will be forced to load these things by yourself…" Mayor Delgatia trailed off as if it were something to be ashamed of.

"Please, do not worry," Teyla hasted to reassure the elder woman. "It is not a problem. We are accustomed to loading the puddlejumpers."

"Yup. Let's get started," Ronon's deep rumble agreed, and he went to the nearest wagon, hoisting a box from inside with minimum effort. Sheppard, Teyla and Lorne's men followed the Runner's example, though they lifted the boxes of grain with less ease.

Before the loading truly got underway, however, Lorne placed his box in the 'jumper and rushed back out, the stack of books in his arms nearly toppling over. "Some help would be nice," he muttered through gritted teeth. Ronon easily grabbed the top half. "These are the books that you asked for."

"Many thanks!" Dr. Het beamed. He scrambled over, grabbing a book from Lorne and paging through it. Government Official Tylironte Yzdemmat scurried to join him.

"Excuse our rudeness," Mayor Delgatia admonished sharply. The two men looked up guiltily.

John laughed. It wasn't his normal laugh. It was the laugh of someone who hasn't laughed in so long that even though the situation is not truly that funny, all hell has already broken loose thanks to too many stored endorphins.

The rest of his team looked on askance as John tried to stop laughing, hiccupped, and began to laugh harder. The Lirians seemed unable to respond, caught between laughing themselves and being affronted with the outburst.

"Sorry…sorry…" John managed to gasp out between giggles. Mayor Delgatia smiled strangely, and nodded.

"It is alright," she spoke tentatively, unsure of how to judge Sheppard's strange reaction to her scolding.

"It's just- I just- well, you see…" John trailed off, and nearly started to giggle again.

"Sheppard, where do you want these boxes?" Ronon interrupted.

With the attention shifted off of him, John was able to compose his face and say quite seriously, "Just bind them to the 'jumper floor with that rope we brought, okay?"

Meanwhile, the Lirians decided silently how they were going to deal with their allies' peculiarity. They ignored it quite studiously, pretending it never happened.

John's random outbreaks of laughter were considered not to exist.

Rodney complaints, however, were more prevalent. It was to hot, he was going to strain a muscle, and he was going to drop the boxes were among the most prevalent of the running commentary, largely ignored by his companions. Occasionally they made sure to trod on his feet when the complaints became too noticeable, but he was generally held as being the same old ridiculous scientist.

The last of the boxes were being loaded, so Sheppard paused long enough to go back to the mayor. "Thanks again," he said with the proper farewell bow, managing to keep a straight face.

The mayor recovered her serenity and returned the bow. "May our lives be filled with peace and happiness."

"May it be granted until the stars-"

"McKay!"

John twisted and found McKay laying half under a box, unconscious.

--------------------

TBC


	5. Accent

Well, this chapter starts out nice and dark, but it's the first real laughter that we get so far. I hope you enjoy and read and review!

**Imperfect Order**

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**Accent: is placed above a note to indicate stress or emphasis.**

Ronon began pulling the box off McKay immediately, but the scientist didn't respond to anyone's nervous queries. Teyla and Lorne rushed to the man's side, and one of Lorne's men sprinted to get a medical kit. Panic gripped John's heart, but the words he spoke were calm. "Ronon, store that in Lorne's 'jumper. Teyla, help me clear a place on the seats where we can lay him down." He turned back to Mayor Delgatia, but she held up a hand.

"Go see to your people, Colonel John Sheppard."

He gave her a brief nod of thanks, and went back to ordering his team. John's jumper was ready in minutes, despite the fact that they had to completely redesign how the boxes fit inside to accommodate Rodney's injured state. The Lirians hovered anxiously, trying to help, but the Lanteans moved efficiently. Teyla and Ronon grabbed the astrophysicist's prone form and carried it into the 'jumper. Teyla cradled his head on her lap as John rushed to the controls and Ronon closed the hatch.

"Catch up when you can," John told Lorne's jumper, and lifted off. They shot off towards the stars. "Ronon, can you put in your IDC when we get to the gate? Teyla, can you check for injuries? And did either of you see him fall?"

"Yeah," Ronon stated gruffly, eyeing the unconscious scientist with concern. "He was carrying the box into the 'jumper and stumbled. He went down wrong, and the box landed on top of him."

"Shit," John swore in an undertone. Teyla began to scour McKay's body in hopes that nothing serious had occurred.

A terse moment was spent in silence.

McKay then began to stir. Teyla withdrew her probing hands as McKay's eyes fluttered open. "Oh my God, did I get run over by a steam truck?" He groaned pitifully. His eyes then slammed open. "What happened? Am I okay?" His breath increased and he tried to sit up, but Teyla pulled him back down.

"It is okay, we are headed back to Atlantis," she tried to soothe him.

"My leg, my leg hurts," he complained. "And my head, oh my God! I must have lost brain cells from slamming my head like that. Oh my God! What happens if-"

"McKay!" John interrupted loudly. "Focus! We'll contact Atlantis's infirmary as soon as we get the wormhole open!"

McKay suddenly clammed up. "I'm fine."

His three teammates turned to him incredulously.

"Fine?" John couldn't quite believe what he was hearing. This was _Rodney_. The man went to the infirmary over a _papercut_. Why was he suddenly refusing to go to the infirmary?

"Yes. I'm fine," Rodney insisted, but his shortness of breath and the way he kept looking at his leg belied the stoic words.

"Are you on something?" John queried acidly. "Did you inhale toxins while I wasn't looking? You were unconscious for the better part of ten minutes! You're going to the infirmary!"

"I don't need to go to the infirmary!" Rodney spat back. He managed to pull himself into a sitting position, hiding his winces. "See? I just sat up, and I feel fine!"

"McKay, you will go to the infirmary!" John shouted, frustrated with the astrophysicist's attitude. "That's a direct order; _don't make me come back there_!" He gripped the hand controls angrily.

"What are you my mother?" Rodney retorted. "And how many times have you not gone to the infirmary, pretending you are fine?" He accused, eyes boring a hole into the back of John's head.

John to a moment to angrily pound the DHD symbols for Atlantis into the 'jumper, trusting Ronon to dial in his IDC. "John to Atlantis, Rodney was injured on Liry, medical team to the 'jumper bay."

"I'm fine!" McKay ground into his own earpiece before the words had even left John's lips. "Colonel Overprotective here seems to believe that I have no pain tolerance. It's not a big deal."

The fact that the speech had an undercurrent of pain the entire time wasn't encouraging to the Atlantis staff.

"He had a box filled with grain fall on him," John corrected. "Which I think constitutes as a big deal. He was unconscious for almost ten minutes, Elizabeth."

The proverbial 'if looks could kill' ensued from Rodney, which John ignored with grace.

"Seriously, I'm fine," Rodney tried again. Ronon and Teyla exchanged looks, wondering just what the _hell _was going on in the local genius's brain.

"Perhaps it would be best if you visit the infirmary anyways," Teyla tried to tell Rodney rationally. "We all have our after-mission check ups later today, do we not?"

There was a milliseconds pause as everyone had their molecules ripped apart and reassembled on the other side of the Stargate.

"That's an after mission check up. It won't take long. Besides, I _have _to do that. I don't need to spend 24 hours in that place under so called 'observation'. Those voodooists need to figure our how to use their equipment first. I'm going to make sure that the hot water is running correctly, thank you very much."

"McKay. You. Are. Going." John ground out acerbically as he expertly landed the puddlejumper. "Or heaven help me, I will beat you to a bloody pulp.

McKay looked enraged, but as the hatch opened and he was nearly dragged out, he found that he had much bigger problems.

Acting Chief Medical Officer Dr. Keller peeked out of the doorway of her office. Fraiser, one of the nurses, poked her when the doctor pulled back. "I can't do this!" Dr. Keller wailed as quietly as possible.

"Hey, you stepped it up. Don't back down now."

"But there weren't any real injuries until now!"

"Suck it up. You couldn't have possibly believed that it would be minor burns and little cuts all the time. You'll do fine," Fraiser reassured her, while forcing her towards the doorway.

Dr. Keller closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and turned to the doorway.

As expected, five sets of eyes immediately flew to her face. She leaned back, smiling nervously. "H-hello," she began. Everyone continued to stare at her.

"Um, yes. O-o-okay. Rodney has a b-bruised bone on his lower right thigh, from the box falling on him. His right wrist is sprained from the awkward fall, and he has a very, very minor concussion, that should be fine after a twenty-four hour observation period." Dr. Keller quickly settled into her doctor persona. "If you would like to visit him, feel free." She gestured into the infirmary. "He's ummmm…a little cranky," she felt inclined to warn them as they raced inside.

There was no acknowledgement of her warning. Dr. Keller shrugged it off and went back into Carson's office. She sighed as she walked in, laying the clipboard on the desk. Every time she walked in here, she felt like she was invading his privacy. As it was, the other members of the infirmary had insisted that she take it after reasonably making observations such as 'Carson already had all those files organized. Just use them' or 'It's okay, just use Carson's office, since he already has all the notes on that project'.

She looked around furtively, and then drew the charm that she had pilfered from Carson's room out of her uniform pocket.

Though she had only been in Atlantis the past two years, she had known Carson Beckett long before then. As an intern, she had spent two months in a foreign exchange program of sorts. In order to study a different type of medicine, she and the other interns had the opportunity to go to another country. She chose Scotland, have been in love with the country since a young age.

Carson Beckett was a fledgling doctor at the time, but even then people automatically listened to him. It was something in his manner and speech that simply put people at ease. As the only intern to choose the country, Beckett had taken her under his wing, helping Intern Keller with the ins and outs of the country. Nothing had developed romantically. Both were too interested in their dreams to hold a relationship. However, and easy camaraderie had formed, and when Intern Keller had left, they kept in touch every so often. When she didn't hear from him for more than a year, she grew worried, finally calling his home, only to hear he had left the hospital, left the medical field…for all intents and purposes, dropped of the face of the Earth.

She moved on with life, only to receive some information about a highly paid job through the military. Curious, she agreed to come to a meeting.

At that meeting, the world as she knew it had been skewed beyond belief. However, it was also the most intriguing concept she had ever heard of. It was a chance to touch horizons that the medical world hadn't dreamed of yet. She became more and more elated as she was selected out of the many applicants asked.

The day of her final interview approached, and slowly the minutes ticked down. She arrived at the SGC nearly two hours before her interview, nervously pacing the halls with the other candidates. Finally her name was called.

She walked into the small conference room, and was shocked when she heard a gentle laughter. Blue eyes twinkled at her from the center seat.

"Carson?" she had half-asked, half-gasped. "_You're _the CMO of Atlantis?"

"You don't have to sound so bloody surprised, lass."

"Carson, you know this doctor?" said a dark haired woman to his left.

"Aye, Elizabeth. She did a 'foreign exchange internship' with my hospital." The Scottish doctor answered with a grin. "And I can tell you, if she still has the same spark that she had as an intern, I may be out of a job soon!"

The Scot's twinkling eyes invited her to join in their laughter. Later that same day, she was confirmed as a member of Atlantis's infirmary.

She had been beyond shocked to find out that Dr. Beckett was the man running the infirmary on Atlantis. They spent most of the trip on the Daedalus swapping tales from the last year or so. His were far more interesting of course. She had hesitantly asked if Carson really thought that she could manage as a doctor. He had given a small chuckle, to her surprise, but reassured her that she was exactly what they were looking for in a doctor.

The friendship was rekindled. Once again, the good doctor took the younger woman under his wing, showing her the ins and outs of the private worlds of Atlantis.

_How could I have ever thought that I could replace him at all!? _Dr. Keller thought dismally, watching the charm spin in the lamplight. _I'm not a quarter that good. I don't deal well under to much pressure…I'm not _prepared_ for this! _

Shouts brought her out of her reverie. "What in the world…?" she asked herself, pocketing the charm once more and making her way out of the office.

True fights between Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard and Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay were more than legendary; they were almost renown for them.

"You are not fine, McKay, and I'm sick of hearing you say it! You have a bruised bone, a sprained wrist, and a concussion! You're not okay!" John roared, while Teyla, Ronon, and Elizabeth pretended that they didn't know the pair.

"I am too fine! You'd think I'd know my limits after all this time! It's nothing some painkillers won't clear up! I don't need or want to be here!" Rodney shouted back, looking ready to strangle the colonel.

"You're going to stay here, and that's final!"

"You're no voodooist, Colonel! And I would appreciate it if you kept your nose out of my business!"

"You're a member of my team, God dammit! _Your _business is _my _business, get it? Now settle down!"

"No!" At this point, Rodney attempted to get out of bed (again) and was pushed down by his friend's hands.

"See?" John taunted. "We're keeping you down, easy. Now, what the hell is your problem?"

"My problem? _My problem_? My problem if the fact that you people barely seem to care that Carson's dead. I am so sick of this infirmary! I don't want to be here! I need to be out _there-_" there was a wave towards the doorway "-saving your collective asses. And I would like to get back to my work!" Rodney snarled.

A flash of red covered John's vision. "Excuse me? Where do you get off claiming that we don't care? God, you're such an ass! Stuck in your own little world, like a child! You barely seem to understand that it wasn't your choice on whether he was going to remove the tumor! He did it, he died, end of story! Just because you're out there, doesn't stop bad things from happening, McKay! That damned piece of equipment happened, remember?"

Rodney opened his mouth at the words, but didn't say anything. The line of his shoulders grew tense. He turned his face away, but not before John saw the wave of agony, defeat and guilt that washed over Rodney's pale features.

The infirmary was caught between heartbeats, still as stone.

"God, Rodney, I'm so sorry! I didn't mean-" John babbled, guilt welling up inside immediately. His shoulder's slumped, and he gestured uselessly.

"Get out." Rodney clenched his fists into the blankets, breathing heavily. "Get the hell away from me, dammit!"

John rocked back on his heels, closing his eyes as the full consequences of his words hit him. "Please, Rodney, just listen!"

"I said, leave now!" Rodney demanded with an enraged gleam in his eye.

"Rodney-" Telya began.

"No. No more playing peacemaker, Teyla. Go away, all of you. I'm tired," Rodney spat out.

"Please-" Elizabeth tried to continue.

"Just leave me be!" Rodney exclaimed, voice full of guilt and anger from Sheppard's words.

Downcast, the group quietly made their exit, John speeding away first. Teyla, Elizabeth and Ronon followed, but turned a different direction in the corridor, leaving John to his guilt. Dr. Keller beat a hasty retreat as well, but not before taking pity on Rodney and drawing the privacy curtain around. They didn't say anything to one another, but the tension in the room dropped a little.

Rodney lay back on his bed, and closed his eyes. Hot tears leaked out. He turned on his side, curling in on himself and staring blankly at the curtains. The cool, rational part that was the main part of his genius whispered that John hadn't meant it, to go and bring him back, make things right again so that they could both move past it. This was clouded, however, but the sheer emotional upheaval that the rest of Rodney's mind was occupied with. That part of his mind demanded that he hurt Sheppard as Sheppard had hurt him, that he deserved it, that the man didn't care about Carson's death…

Several hours crept by, and the sounds of the infirmary settled and slowed as evening approached. A nurse peeked in on Rodney every so often, but he ignored their questions until they left him alone.

"Alright, one more check from me this evening, and I'll have a nurse wake you ever two hours tonight. With any luck you'll be on your merry way in the morning, alright Dr. McKay?" Dr. Keller said in a professionally bland tone while pulling back the privacy curtain.

Rodney grunted, and turned away from the doctor, still filled with pent-up rage.

Jennifer's lips thinned at the irritability of her patient, but considering the argument that had taken place mere hours before, she was inclined to let it slide.

"Come on, sit up, Dr. McKay. I've got to check your concussion again," she repeated, firmer this time.

"Go away."

Jennifer tried a different avenue. "Look, I know I'm not exactly your favorite at the moment, but can you please let me do my job?" she cajoled sweetly. "I'm no Carson, but-"

"That's right, you're no Carson. You're not a sheepherder, you don't practice voodoo, and you lack an accent that is fun to mock," Rodney ground out into his pillow.

"Well, I can certainly try," Jennifer said in a false British accent, trying to lighten the mood.

Unfortunately, it had the reverse effect of reminding Rodney of Grodin, and a set of tears joined those already dampening the pillow.

"Just…just shut up."

"Look, Rodney." The use of his first name at least got the blue-eyed man to look at her. Jennifer sat on the edge of the bed. "I knew Carson while he still worked in Scotland. I was doing a, well, something like a 'foreign exchange internship' at his hospital." The blond haired woman ran a hand through her hair, feeling a lump in her throat. "He was always the type of person that I wanted to be as a doctor. People just instinctively listened to him, you know? He was kind and funny, but he never had an ego."

That got a reluctant "Yes," out of Rodney.

Jennifer sighed. "Look, I'm not any more comfortable with this than you are. But maybe, for now, we can at least for a truce? 'Cause…I know that why you didn't want to be here. Seeing someone else as CMO is hard." A sharp and bitter laugh left Dr. Keller's mouth. "I don't even see myself as CMO most days."

Rodney opened his mouth to deny her claims, but shut it again. He didn't lie very well, especially around women. He tended to babble a lot.

"Rodney, please. It's not easy for either of us right now," Jennifer said in a soothing voice, still carefully staring off into space. "But maybe… sometime…it'll get easier."

There was something timid in the way Rodney finally sat up and stuck out his hand. It was in the way he wouldn't meet her eyes, and in the fact that he still seemed to curl in on himself. "I guess I can at least make a truce if it means that I'll get out of here sooner," he allowed quietly, heated pain fading a little in his chest.

"That's the spirit!" Jennifer said with more joviality than she felt. She gave Rodney's hand a quick shake, and then released it. She got back off the bed and did an efficient check-up on the injured man. "Well, it looks like things are progressing very well. You will probably be good to go in the morning."

"Thank God! I don't need to be in the clutches of the voodoo master's protégé any longer than necessary!" Rodney agreed dryly, but a small smile was on his lips even as he insulted her.

Jennifer smiled a little in return, and left Rodney to his own devices. It wasn't perfect, but it was progress.

Rodney was released from the infirmary bright and early the next morning after a final check-up, a brace for his wrist, and orders to come back if his leg continued to cause him severe pain after a week or so.

He smiled and nodded to all their commands, eager to get out of the infirmary at last. Nothing against Dr. Keller, except, well, the obvious.

She wasn't Carson.

Yet there was a sort of pressure that had been released in their truce. Rodney no longer felt that he had to avoid the infirmary. Of course, he still had reparations to make, with both his teammates, his scientists and himself.

As he walked down the corridors back towards his room, he saw far too many gazes that avoided his own, and another wave of guilt rose. He'd probably been a rude bastard lately. The thought made him pause...

_Crap! _Rodney thought, eyes widening. The rush memories from several nights ago reawakened all of his remorse over avoiding Katie.

A hasty minute was spend pouring over every teenaged movie he had ever seen (which wasn't a lot, admittedly) and trying to figure out how the _hell _he was supposed to apologize to a girl (which he had never done before). As far as he could remember, usually some sort of token gift was given (why, he didn't know) and a conversation was held (often to filled with mushy-gushy love talk and false promises).

Rodney took stock of his thoughts.

There were an uncomfortable amount of variables.

A gift. A gift would be a good start. Now, as far as he could tell, gifts to women were usually one of four things. Jewelry, chocolate, flowers, or something that had symbolism to the couple were the usual objects, right?

Right?

Well, jewelry was out because even if he could manage to convince Novak to bring it back, it wouldn't arrive for a long time, which could probably be put under the heading Not Good, and was likely to induce Katie to break up with him. Nor was there chocolate readily available (Atlantis had already eaten its stock of chocolate…again), which put a stopper on that option.

_Flowers, however…flowers might be doable _Rodney mused. He gazed down the hall that led to the commissary, but decided to skip breakfast. He pulled a powerbar out of his pocket and went immediately to the labs instead. He entered the main laboratory still lost in thought. The first objective was to snatch one of the coffee cups that seemed to spawn near the coffee machine and fill it up to the top with the black liquid. He drank it down straight, ignoring the quiet chatter all around him. Refilling his cup, and feeling more awake for having downed the previous, he wandered back out of the room once more without saying a word, and made his way back to his private lab. A few of the scientists exchanged nonplussed glances with one another, but decided to leave Dr. McKay to his thoughts.

Flowers. Where could he find flowers? He sat the coffee cup next to his computer, and leaned his hands on his desk. Buried in thought, he began to bring up and discard options while muttering aloud.

"Well, it could be possible…no, no…unless I steal…damn…they keep to good of a watch on them…mechanical? No, still won't work…or maybe a biomechanical? Not enough time. Perhaps if I…nope, still won't work…no. But wait! If I-"

"Am I interrupting something?" Radek asked, carrying a report in his hands. He was astonished to find Rodney lost in thought instead of bustling around his lab with a manic gleam growing in his eye.

"No, not really," Rodney replied. He spun on his stool. "Zelenka, where can I get flowers?"

The Czech looked even more astounded at the question. "Ummmm…on the mainland, I assume. I sure there are some where the Athosians live now. Well, we have some in the bio-labs, but considering they are specimens, I highly doubt the biologists and botanists would take kindly to their research being stolen."

"Hmmm. Yeah. Okay," Rodney answered, still sounding distracted.

"Rodney, do you still want to energy readings and scans from the desalination? It is working properly once more."

"Hum? Oh, yeah. Just set them on the table, Radek." Once more, Rodney was lost in a world that had nothing to do with the second most brilliant scientist.

Radek quietly left his friend to his musings, whistling a cheerful tune as he returned to the main laboratory. He couldn't wait to tell Teyla that his plan was probably successful.

After all, who besides Dr. Brown would Rodney need flowers for?

Elizabeth couldn't help but be surprised when Rodney arrived at her office mid-morning. There wasn't any real tension between them, but something was off, as it was between all members of the team. Something that spoke of emotional distancing and fear of losing more family.

"Rodney! Please come in," Elizabeth invited with a warm smile.

Rodney darted in, looking a little shifty. "Hello," he greeted.

"Can I help you?" Elizabeth asked curiously. Usually if the scientists wanted to run any unorthodox testing, they would simply radio her to ask for permission.

"Yes. Well." Rodney rocked back and forth on his heels. "Sooo…"

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. "Rodney, is there something that I can help you with? Usually you don't make the trip all the way to my office for a question."

Silent echoed. "IsthereanywayIcanborrowajumper?" Rodney asked in a rushed after gathering sufficient courage.

"Excuse me? Can you what?" Elizabeth inquired.

"Is there any way Icanborrowajumper?" Rodney repeated, still slurring the back half of his sentence together.

"Is there any way you can what?" Elizabeth asked again, forehead wrinkling.

"Is. There. Any. Way. I. Can. Borrow. A. Jumper." Rodney clarified, staring at anything but the expedition leader's face.

A few seconds of silence passed. "For _what_?" Elizabeth asked, completely mystified.

"For…mumble…mumble," Rodney said, speaking to his lap.

Elizabeth sighed, confused at his hesitant behavior. "Rodney, are you alright? You don't seem yourself."

"Considering that I just got out of the infirmary because I landed with a concussion, bruised thigh bone and sprained wrist-" he waved the offending limb "-I've been better, and I've been worse. So. Can I have the 'jumper?"

Elizabeth looked down at her papers, a dry chortle passing her lips. "I'm afraid that you're going to have to tell me what you have planned for said 'jumper first." She looked back up and subjected her Chief Scientific Officer to a steely look. "And no mumbling, if you please."

"I need to get flowers."

Elizabeth hadn't thought it was possible for a human being to turn the exact shade of a ripe tomato, but Rodney was doing his damndest to mimic it. There was a careful lack of inflection to his voice, but he still hadn't looked up.

Elizabeth tilted her head. "For whom, exactly?" she responded in an equally bland tone. She hated to admit it, but there was something amusing about the way he was acting

"For Katie, alright! I really screwed up, and as far I can tell, when a girl thinks you hate them, the proper thing to do is to apologize and bring gifts!"

"That is a pretty standard operation, yes," Elizabeth agreed.

"Well you don't have to mock- wait…what?"

"I said 'That is a pretty standard operation, yes'."

"Oh. Okay. Well, I don't have forever to wait. Can I go or not?"

However, Rodney's request had thrown Elizabeth's mind into turmoil. On the one hand, the puddlejumpers were not to be used for personal pleasure. That law had been set in motion from practically the first day they had arrived in Atlantis. Had it not, many of those with the ATA gene (John in particular) would spend a majority of their time with the ships. On the other hand, she sympathized with Rodney. The man wasn't easy to get along with at the best of times, but he seemed to have something really good going with Dr. Brown. At the very least, the pair were deeply in like with one another.

However, if Rodney were to have a legitimate reason for using the puddlejumper, that would be a whole different story. "It has come to my attention," Elizabeth said with all her charm as a diplomat "that I should take a vacation. Just a weekend, to relax for a little bit. Dr. Heightmeyer suggested that I visit the new Athosian homeworld with Teyla."

Rodney was to brilliant a man not to figure out his leader's grand scheme. "And of course, a 'jumper there will be necessary since you will have luggage."

"And John has work."

"So who better to take you than me, right?"

"Of course."

"I'll contact you with the details later today, Rodney. If you see Teyla, can you send her over?"

"I suppose I can work that into my busy schedule," Rodney drawled, standing up.

"Wait, one more thing Rodney. About what John said…" Elizabeth didn't know what to say.

Rodney looked at her, and indecipherable mask over his features, very un-Rodney-like behavior. Usually the man was an open book. "That's between me and him."

Elizabeth nodded tightly. "I understand."

He nodded his acceptance of her answer and turned away. When he was almost to the doorway he stopped. Without turning around, he said quietly, "And thank you, Elizabeth." Then Rodney turned back and grinned, the first real expression of joy she had seen on his face for a while. Elizabeth smiled back with equal feeling, and the scientist left her office.

--------------------

TBC


	6. Un Pocco Troppo

This chapter is a little shorter than normal, but it needs to set up the action for the next chapters! I hope you enjoy it, and read and review!

**Imperfect Order**

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**Un Poco Troppo: A little too much**

John Sheppard was not quite the last man Kate expected to see in her office, but he was pretty close to the top of that list. She set down her files on her desk and casually seated herself behind it. "Hello," she greeted, bewildered. "Can I help you?"

"Sorry about the intrusion." John walked the length of her office before perching on the edge of a chair. "Yeah, sorta. Okay, look. I still don't really want to talk to you. But I do owe you an apology." He swallowed. "You see, just before I was supposed to come to my appointment, I was checking my email. I hadn't checked it in a while." He stopped there.

Kate leaned back in her own chair, patiently waiting for him to continue. "And well, I found an email that…disturbed me."

"I see." Kate said in a neutral tone.

John stood up abruptly, pacing the room, ordering his thought. "It was an email from Carson," he admitted softly. Both patient and doctor ignored the quaver that laced Carson's name. "Just a stupid supply email, requesting a replacement scanner or something." The laugh John released held no humor. "But seeing it, God, it felt like when it first hit me all over again."

A few beats of silence passed. John sat himself in the chair again and few moments he was back to walking around her office.

"When did it first hit you?" Dr. Heightmeyer probed gently, a glimmer of hope rising in her chest.

"It doesn't matter."

"Yes, John! It _does_!" Kate exclaimed, slamming her hands on her desk. "I'm am trying to help since you can't seem to talk to anyone else, and I'll be damned if I let your attitude throw me off. Just talk to me. I promise not to make any judgments. Please, Colonel. Please. Just trust me for a minute."

If the man was surprised by her actions, he didn't show it. He stared out the windows for almost five minutes. Kate didn't move from her position. Finally, John submitted her to a calculated stare. Kate didn't blink, meeting his gaze evenly. John broke the stare first. He turned back to the windows, and swallowed past the growing lump in his throat. "While we were at him mother's house. Ronon, Dr. Cole, Rodney and I were the only ones to go. Rodney rang the doorbell. Almost a minute passed before this little old woman answered. Carson's a mama's boy. Same eyes, same nose, same hair. She pushed up her glasses and peered up at us for a moment." A cool note entered his tone, something that spoke of too many deaths over the years. "It might've been something in our faces, how we were dressed. I don't really know. But she got this really crushed smile on her face, like she knew everything already, but didn't say anything. She beckoned us in. Rodney tried to speak one or two times, but she shushed him. And he just listened. Rodney just listened."

John's voiced cracked, losing the cool note as his breathing became harsher. "She sat us all at this table in the kitchen, bustling around asking if we wanted tea or food or whatever- as if we could've stomached food at the time," John interjected bitterly into his own monologue. He paced back across the room again. Kate remained silent. "Finally, she sat at the table and folded her hands. I think she whispered a prayer or something because her lips were moving silently. Her hands were trembling so badly, Dr. Cole started to cry again. Ronon rubbed his face and had this lost expression. I've never seen anything like it. And Rodeny…God, Rodney closed his eyes, as if begging God himself to come and change what had happened.

"Finally, she turned to Rodney and said to him, 'What's my boy done now?'

"And all of a sudden, it was real. _Her boy, _her Carson Beckett, one of my best friends, had saved a man's life and gotten killed in the process. _Physicians don't die! They save people!_" John roared, slamming a fist against a window. It rattled, but didn't break. His shoulder shook with suppressed sobs, but he didn't win the battle entirely.

He let his hand slide down slowly, giving his tears enough time to dry.

Kate didn't even twitch.

"Why did I just tell you that?" John whispered slowly.

"Because you had to tell someone. You can't keep things bottled inside you any more. When you first came here, I thought that you were just another compartmentalized military soldier. I respected you, but I didn't like you that much. I saw your file, knew what you had gone through, but I honestly thought that your happy-go-lucky routine was a way to keep people at bay," Kate began, a wry look entering her eyes. She sat back in her chair, eyes unfocused. "Then, slowly, I saw you start to bond with Rodney, Ford, and Teyla…Elizabeth, Ronon, and Lorne. And of course, Carson. It was like you got it, finally. You got that just because people die doesn't mean you should stop trying. I honestly couldn't have possibly cared less that you didn't talk to me. God, you even managed to work through Doranda without help. Well, it involved a locked room, from what I've heard, but you did it. However, now you're just not as accustomed to keeping things locked up. That's why you told me. Because you needed to tell someone. You haven't been talking to anyone else, have you?" Kate responded, careful to keep her voice low.

"How did you know?"

Kate smiled, the wryness in her eyes lacing her smile. "Contrary to popular opinion, I'm not stupid and I really do want the best for people."

"I never said you didn't want that!" John defended, a touch angrily.

"And I never said you did say that," Kate reminded. "And you're avoiding my question."

Another staring contest ensued. "No. I haven't." John confessed, avoiding her eyes.

"Why not?" Kate probed once more.

"I can't! Especially not now. Rodney's probably so pissed at me he can hardly see straight and Elizabeth, Teyla and Ronon have their own issues to deal with," John exclaimed, the anger and guilt becoming more pronounced as he continued.

John hit the window again, though it was softer this time. "I-"

Kate's door opened. "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't realize you were busy!" Elizabeth said, astounded at the fact that John was in the room. She started to back out immediately. "I'll just leave, stop by later-"

"No, its okay, Elizabeth. I was just leaving," John informed her, brushing past her callously on the way out, escaping.

Running away.

Kate was left with a dumbfounded Elizabeth in a silent room. "What was _that_ all about?" Elizabeth asked.

Kate seemed just as astounded. "Well, in keeping with doctor-patient confidentiality, I can't tell you. But if I were to speak aloud in though, I would say something along the lines of 'John actually talked to me'" Kate said, keeping her voice blandly professional.

Elizabeth loosed a sigh. "I can't believe it."

"Then you're preaching to the choir. However, you did not come in here to talk about why John was here. Why the impromptu visit?

Elizabeth stared off into space for a moment, lost in thought. "Elizabeth?" Kate reminded.

"Of course. Sorry." Elizabeth put away her thoughts on John for a later time. Kate did the same. "It's about that vacation you suggested…"

--------------------

When John received Elizabeth's radio call asking for him to meet her in an hour, his first inclination was to run as far away as possible. As much as he admired his commander, she was to smart not to realize that there was a reason that John had been in Dr. Heightmeyer's office. And that was something John just wasn't interested in discussing with anyone right now.

What Kate had said about him made sense. A lot of sense, actually. John sighed, but tapped his radio. "I'll be there," John answered, while wanting to do the exact opposite.

"_I'll expect you here at exactly 2:00, John," _Elizabeth reminded, a hint of warning in her voice.

"I heard, I heard," John grumbled. "Colonel Sheppard out."

"_Good. And while you have some free time, I suggest that you talk to Rodney_."

A flush rose in John's cheeks at the not-so-subtle reprimand. He didn't answer. A wave of blame rose through his slim form, heating his face again as he exited his room, hair still wet from his recent shower after the morning's workout with Teyla. He ran fingers through the damp locks, forcing it to stand even wilder.

He was halfway down the hall when he realized that something felt off. He sighed, realizing that his thigh felt unusually light. John looked down and rolled his eyes, turning around and opening his room's door again. Once inside, he picked up his 9 mil and shoved it into its holster.

He rubbed his face as he paced down the halls again. He had been far too forgetful the last few weeks. "Colonel! Colonel!" Someone shouted from behind him. John turned and found himself facing Major Lorne.

"Major!" John greeted, cheerfulness a little forced. The pit of dread over his meeting with Elizabeth widened, but he tried to focus on Lorne. "What can I do for you?"

"It's about the Lirians. They contacted us through the Stargate this morning, using that radio that we left for them. They wanted to see if Dr. McKay was alright. I told them that there was no harm done, sir. I hope that was alright. They also wanted to start making plans for Dr. Parrish to visit and study that tree, as well as getting some of the doctors over there. Seems a case of something or other has come up and they're worried about it. I told them that I would have to check the medlab schedule and get back to them, sir." Lorne stood at rest, waiting expectantly.

"That all sounds fine, Major. When you're organizing the schedules, make sure that Dr. Keller can make the first strip. If we send them our acting CMO, I'm sure they'll take it as a sign of goodwill."

"Yes, sir," Lorne agreed. "But are you sure about that?" There was an innate wariness to the question.

"We can't keep our doctors under lock and key, Major."

Lorne nodded respectfully. "Of course sir. I understand."

John's face softened for an instant. "Good. Now," John made a shooing motion. "Be off on your merry way."

Lorne smiled widely, understanding gleaming in his eyes. "Yes, sir. See you later!" he called as he left the corridor.

John waved his own farewell and continued in the opposite direction. He was about to turn towards the labs (hesitantly, admittedly) when his stomach grumbled with hunger. Immediately, he veered away from the science labs to towards the commissary. _I don't want to be starving during my meeting with Elizabeth, _he reasoned. _I can always go to the labs later._

He ignored the little voice in the back of his head that screamed "Stop avoiding everything!" and wandered back in the direction of food. His stomach grumbled again, ordering that he feed it. He patted the organ absentmindedly, and speeded up his pace towards the commissary.

"Colonel!" Someone shouted, trying to catch his attention. He winced as his stomach grumbled again, this time louder than ever before.

"Yes?" he questioned patiently, once again turning.

"Sorry to interrupt you, sir." It was one of the newer recruits, freshly arrived the last time the Daedalus stopped at Atlantis. Lieutenant McKline, if he remembered correctly.

"It's no interruption. What's on your mind?" John put his impatient stomach on the backburner, focusing on the nervous youth.

"It's about this upcoming mission." McKline shifted his weight back and forth. "I don't, I don't know if I'm cut out for this."

The comment brought back a stream of memories. Lieutenant McKline had made a nearly fatal mistake out on the field. He had believed the shadows that the Wraith sent out were real long enough to separate him from the rest of his team. Lost and confused in the woods, the only thing that had saved him was the fact that only two Wraith were interested on feeding him. A round of bullets later and he able to get in radio contact with his team. However, without another member to watch their left side, ten Wraith had been able to attack the rest of the group. Major Hawkins had been heavily injured and Lieutenant Smith had been nearly fed upon before stuttering Dr. Kohutiak was able to load the thing full of bullets.

From the way McKline had spoken in his mission debriefing afterwards, he had been wracked with guilt. It was obvious that the self-depreciation had not resolved itself.

"Lieutenant, would you be willing to take a walk with me?" John gestured towards the commissary. McKline paled, but followed his superior's lead.

They paced the halls around the mess hall. "I don't know what will make you feel more able. No one's perfect. I can't tell you how many of my men and woman have been distracted by those Wraith ghosts. Lieutenant, we have a saying. I'm sure you know it. 'Shit happens'. Sound familiar?" John smiled warmly, trying to convey his feelings to the younger man. "You didn't mean for it to happen. Now you know better."

McKline shrugged his shoulder. "I guess."

"Lieutenant, there is no room to 'guess' in this galaxy," John faced the other man sternly.

McKline nodded his head vehemently. "I understand, sir. Shit happens."

"That's right. Shit happens," John offered a smile, which McKline returned. "You good now?"

"Yeah. I'm good," McKline reassured him. "Thanks." He saluted the Colonel.

Taking that as a goodbye, John acknowledged the man's salute and turned back towards food.

"Wait! Sir!" McKline called before John had put to much distance between them.

John turned back yet again to face McKline. "Yes?"

A blush rose in McKline's cheeks as he said, "Well, sir, I haven't been here long, but I think that's good advice. Shit happens."

John got the sense that what was being said and what was being inferred were two different things. He remembered Ford saying the phrase several times, and a pang filled his heart as he wondered how the young man was faring. He filed it away for further thought, schooling his face into his easy-going persona. "Of course it is. It came from me, didn't it?"

McKline grinned. "Yes, sir. I'll be on my way now."

"You do that."

John turned back to the mess hall as his stomach made its unhappiness known yet again. Walking in, he grabbed at a sandwich, a brownie and a bottle of water. He slid into one of the room's chairs at an empty table, after searching the room for familiar faces. He ate his lunch quickly and without interruption, locking out all thoughts on why Elizabeth had wanted to see him, his argument with Rodney, or what McKline had meant about 'shit happens' being good advice.

John tossed out his trash and left the commissary, heading back towards the labs, trepidation weighing heavily on his every step. What was he supposed to say to Rodney? Would the man even talk to him? Was it possible that he would be forgiven? What would happen if he wasn't?

The worst part was that John had meant it. He had meant every word. The best that Rodney, Elizabeth, John, and now Keller could do- could ever do- was to try and stop anything like that from ever happening again, to be smarter, stronger, braver, and faster than the subordinates whose fates came under them. Rodney was being an ass, it was true, but no more than usual considering the circumstances.

_Rodney and I have so many issues put together that I'm surprised that they haven't put us into the loony bin yet. _John thought, not without surveying the irony with a certain amount of dry humor.

Rodney's private lab appeared with an amazing amount of speed. John swallowed, mouth suddenly dry, realizing that no planning had gone into this moment thus far. Rodney's lab door was open, a strange state of affairs, so John leaned against it, watching Rodney bustle around his computers and projects. A computer beeped and Rodney glared at it. John dithered back and forth in the doorway and turned to leave again, rationalizing that he would be late for Elizabeth when Rodney turned to face him.

Both were taken aback for a moment; neither knew what to say.

"By the pricking of my thumbs," Rodney said finally, turning the full force of his glare towards John.

"I didn't think you knew I was here," was the only response John could think of.

"Please. That's the wrong answer, for the record. Come on, use that small brain of yours," Rodney prodded, facing the Colonel head on. His eyes narrowed, baby blues cold. "Or have you just come to clutter up my space with your stupidity. Or is that all my fault too?"

"I never said it was all your fault!" John protested heatedly. "I just wanted to make it clear that you were being a moron for refusing to go to the infirmary!"

"I had my reasons, which are none of your concern."

"And I'm going to say it again, McKay. As long as you are my friend and a member of my team, your health will be my concern!"

"And what of _your _health, Sheppard?" Rodney returned, a cruel glint in his eye. "You don't talk to anyone-"

"_I_ don't talk to anyone?" John interrupted, enraged. "You're the one who doesn't seem to understand that-"

This time Rodney interrupted, face frigid with wrath. "Then I'm done. I'm off the team. Take Zelenka, take Parrish, take Keer, take Keller for all I care! I am done with you! I'm so sick of your idiocy, the way you can't see past what's going on, the way you never listen-"

"You can't just quit!" John yelled back. "It doesn't work like that!"

"Yes I can! I'm a civilian, remember! And I want you out of this lab _right now_! I'm busy working, in case you couldn't tell. You and your grunts are hereby exiled from this lab! If I see you in here ever again you're going to wish that you had never met me!" Rodney pointed a finger trembling with fury towards the door. "Never piss off a geek, Colonel. They will make you regret being born." Rodney hissed.

John drew himself up to his full height, ignoring the stabbing pain of his friend's words. How had things gone so wrong so quickly? "We'll discuss this later, Rodney." John finished stiffly after the pair had glared at each other for several long minutes. His patience exhausted, he left the lab.

Rodney raced to the door before John had taken more than a few steps down the hall. "No we won't, Sheppard!" He called out, before storming back into his lab and closing the door.

John flinched at the shout. Was this what things had digressed to? John blinked back tears.

_How could things possibly get worse?_

--------------------

Things got worse when he reluctantly dragged himself to Elizabeth's office. She and Teyla were inside waiting for him and wore apprehensive faces.

"You wanted to see me?" John announced casually, lounging in the chair next to Teyla. His nerves were screaming, as if he was expecting a firefight.

"Yes. It's about my command here," Elizabeth began. She stopped there, as if waiting to see how John would take that phrase.

"Yes?" John asked, apprehensive feeling rising by several notches. Sometimes he forgot that there were others who were affected by Carson's death. If Elizabeth was considering leaving Atlantis, he'd do-

Well. He didn't know what he'd do. It would be something drastic though.

"I'm considering taking a vacation."

There was a brief moment where John wondered if he had just heard a non-sequitur. "Excuse me?" He asked, confusion furrowing his brows.

Elizabeth hand's came together. An eyebrow was raised. "A vacation, John. You know, no work, no certain death, blue skies, and more hours of sleep than you ever imagined possible?"

"I know what a vacation is," John answered a touch testily. "But a vacation? Who? What? When? Where? How? And sometimes, why?"

The uplifted corner of Elizabeth's mouth announced that she was laughing at his joke, but the rest of her face remained serious. "Teyla and I. I'm not sure the question 'what' applies. We would like to leave as soon as possible. To the new Athosian homeworld. Rodney agreed to take us in a Puddlejumper. And because I've been dealing with some issues that lately have kept me from doing the best job that I can in regards to Atlantis, Dr. Heightmeyer advised that I take a few days to relax."

Another moment was spent as John mentally recounted his questions. Elizabeth had in fact answered them. "Okay to the first."

Elizabeth nodded her acquiescence. "How early is as soon as possible?" John continued. "What are you going to do with Atlantis?"

The eyebrow was raised again, and the wry twist to her mouth was the one she wore when she thought John was being intentionally idiotic. Before John could protest the assumption, Elizabeth said, "As soon as possible means as soon as I'm packed. I know its a little last minute, but we don't have any missions planned for the next few days, and I would prefer not to go while we have teams offworld. And I'm going to leave Atlantis in your stellar care, of course. You are my second in command, are you not?"

John hedged for a moment before acknowledging the truth of the statement. "Yes, but I'm not exactly sure that-"

"I am still mission commander, aren't I?" Elizabeth cut off John. "I'm putting Atlantis in your care. I trust you."

John disregarded the shiver of anxiety that passed through his body at her words. He offered a short prayer to whatever god was listening that he wouldn't shut up all his fears inside forever, but once again, put the thoughts in the back of his mind, where much of his worries seemed to go. Rodney, Carson, his team, trust... the list of things he wasn't comfortable with right now went on. However, there never seemed time to deal with it 'now'.

John then leaned back in his seat, treating Elizabeth to a devil-may-care smile and said, "Well, I am your 2IC. If you didn't trust me, I wouldn't be The Man. Rodney or someone would be, I'm sure."

"Don't worry. I know I'll be leaving Atlantis in capable hands," Elizabeth said with a smile.

"Going to the Athosian homeworld should be fine as well. We've checked it out, and found nothing that would be out of the ordinary for the Pegasus Galaxy. I have to insist that you go there with at least a 9 mil, though," John insisted. Elizabeth sighed but didn't argue the military commander's statement. "And I just have one question."

John met Elizabeth's eyes squarely. "What do you mean, Rodney will be taking you out there? No offense, but we've got much more experienced flyers who know exactly what they're doing, and I would be a lot more comfortable if someone, preferably me, admittedly, would be the one to take you and Teyla on your mini vacation."

Elizabeth was already shaking her head. "It needs to be Rodney," she said firmly. "We've already spoken about it."

John ignored the pain that welled up at her response- _does she not trust me anymore? Have I really been that bad? Oh my God, what happened between her and Rodney? Did I miss something? Does Teyla hate me too?_- and gave his commander another smile, albeit a far more brittle rendition. "If that's what you've decided, I guess that I have no choice."

"Yes," Elizabeth reassured John. The colonel thought that he caught a hint of something in her eye, but it disappeared too quickly to recognize it.

"Well, if that's it…" John stood up trailing off awkwardly. "I'll just be on my way then."

"I'll be sure to keep you updated on all things pertaining to our little jaunt, alright?"

John nodded once. "Yeah." He left silently.

Elizabeth turned back to her work after Teyla said her goodbyes, sparing a few worried thoughts on John's odd behavior. However, there was no time to be thinking of that. Her thoughts were consumed by anxiety for Atlantis, the well-being of its members, and the hurt at losing yet another at the good doctor, who had been a dear friend.

Perhaps she could spare a thought for her personal troubles later…

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The preparations for Elizabeth and Teyla's offworld vacation were finished by the end of the day. Last minute details were wrapped up, plans made, the Athosians contacted, physicals done, packing finished. All aspects of the trip were accounted for.

Elizabeth was curled in bed, a book in her lap. The one depressing part of being head of Atlantis was that down time was so few and far between that she never really got the opportunity to settle down and read. However, with four days and three nights to relax on the soft sands near the Athosian village, time was not an issue.

Despite her recently acquired free time, her mind kept wandering back to her friends. Finally she placed her bookmark in the book, set it on her bedside table and scooped up the cup of Athosian tea resting beside her. She nursed the cup's contents slowly as she stared at the intricate patterns that the Ancients had incorporated into her room's design.

Faint swirls of lines coalesced into something that looked vaguely floral, the initial reason that Elizabeth had chosen to room. The pattern covered the walls, sometimes wandering off into spirals or soft geometric shapes.

The tea grew cold in her hands has her mind began to focus on more current issues. Each day the list of worries over her surrogate family grew. Well, admittedly, it was only the two Earth-based people. Ronon and Teyla seemed to be adapting to the latest death with a profound gravity that Elizabeth craved. The pair weren't as warm and welcoming as they used to be, but they managed.

John and Rodney though…God.

John and Rodney.

A part of her was continually sickened at the fact that she wasn't continually trying to figure herself out before she went futzing around, worrying about someone else. The result was that she went through intensive and draining mood swings, caring one moment about only her own pain and wanting to do anything to have it go away. The next might be spent agonizing over what was happening to Rodney and John.

At the moment, Elizabeth was completely stuck on how to relate to either of them. Something was strained between the three of them, something unnamable. For instance, in the conversation with John today, was that pain that flashed in his eyes? Or was it guilt?

Elizabeth fondly remembered the times were she could read John's mood simply by the way he was sitting. Not that the Lieutenant Colonel had ever been an easy book to read, but the camaraderie of the initial year quickly turned into a genuine friendship.

They distanced a little after Atlantis was back in contact with Earth. Things got busy, the atmosphere wasn't as tightly knit, and each felt as if they had to portray a certain image to their superiors. Then they had bonded again as circumstances allowed them to resume an even closer friendship.

Lately though…lately the man was a closed book. There were no easy smiles for his men, no jokes about the nature of geekism for the scientists. The training was done seriously, and the civilians were strongly encouraged to join. John drew away from his friends and seemed to internalize a nerve-wracking amount of worry and shame and the like. A small part of her wondered if he was talking to anyone; he certainly had given her the cold shoulder often enough.

Her thoughts progressed to Rodney. Though he had been an obvious choice for the mission, her initial dislike of him seemed to rise higher every time she interacted with the man. His passion for science was intoxicating, yes, but his thought process and his mouth seemed to have the sort of relationship where each pretended the other didn't exist. His mouth emitted a steady stream of degrading comments interspersed with a repertoire of techno-babble that only Colonel Carter could keep up with.

Yet that fact seemed to be why Rodney eventually grew on her. Any insults could be taken with a grain of salt, but compliments were the highest of praise. Rodney's manner eventually slowly changed into something more palatable; or rather, Elizabeth learned how to understand him. There were clearly many deep seated issues hidden beneath his prickly surface. However, once you got beneath him, and saw the iron will, the sheer _'I will not allow this to happen!' _stubbornness, realized that maybe Rodney was learning something about humanity, you saw the relatively good man that was timidly peeking out from beneath the barbed exterior.

Elizabeth had had the pleasure of seeing John initially ask Rodney to be a member of his team. For some reason, John took an instant liking to Rodney, understood the astrophysicist on a basic level. From Rodney's shocked response to the request, it was clear that genius or not, Rodney had never been asked to be a part of a greater whole without a covert- and usually abusive- reason.

Of course, Rodney had turned John down flat. Several times, if she remembered correctly. However, John's perseverance and real desire to have blue-eyed scientist as a member of his team paid off, and Rodney reluctantly joined. Elizabeth watched as Rodney flowered in the presence of Atlantis and his new found friends. His tone gentled a little, his snarky comments had less heat behind them, and so on.

However, in recent weeks it was as if Rodney had not changed one iota in the past three years. Hot tempered, bad mannered, cold demeanor, closed expressions. Elizabeth knew that Rodney had been the most directly involved in Carson's death, however cruel it may sound. Rodney knew it as well, and it was clear that guilt was driving him. If there was only a way for Rodney to truly say 'I'm sorry' to Carson, a way that would let Rodney talk to someone. She hoped that the flowers that he planned to bring back would start mending fences; Dr. Brown have been seen on several occasions moping around the main labs, torn between talking to her boyfriend and staying clear, consumed with her own level of guilt. To start mending fences with Katie he would have to talk. Perhaps the proverbial floodgates would open enough for him to talk to someone about his troubles.

Therein lay the reason that Elizabeth had allowed him to fly the 'jumper. She was so worried over his health that she was willing to bend to rules. The repercussions would be unforeseen, and Elizabeth could only pray that things would turn out as planned.

Her thoughts chased themselves in circles as she finally put down the stone cold cup of tea. Methodically she brushed her teeth, brushed her hair, turned off the lights and scooted under her covers.

Though evening settled into the room, it was not until long hours later that Elizabeth succumbed to an uneasy rest.

--------------------

TBC


	7. Dolce

Sorry about missing the Sunday post, folks! I was away on a college visit and didn't have access to a computer! Good news, however, is that this chapter is a little longer then the last two. Bad news is that after this chapter, only two chapters to go…and then Imperfect Order is done! Wow. Anyways, enjoy!

**Imperfect Order**

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**Dolce: Sweetly**

Daybreak was bright, cool, and filled with activity. The short notice that Elizabeth had provided for her vacation raised the level of frenzied activity that was a usual part of Atlantis. Scientists continually tried to get last minute approval for their projects, John and Ronon had come to say goodbye, Dr. Keller and Dr. Heightmeyer had numerous instructions for her and Teyla to follow- chief among them not to die, but to have a mentally relaxing holiday- Rodney was snapping orders on how the puddlejumper should be loaded, while the military personnel loading the craft ignored him.

And that was all before 7 o'clock.

Elizabeth rubbed her eyes with one hand, carrying a coffee cup in the other. Teyla rested a supporting hand on the woman's shoulder, and Elizabeth gave Teyla a warm smile. "I'm alright, really," she promised the Athosian. Teyla echoed Elizabeth's smile, but the alien's had more worry in it.

Elizabeth turned as Rodney once again entered a tirade. "Rodney, can you come here please?" she asked, quirking a smile at the unabashed looks of relief that the Marines sent her.

"Yes?" Rodney asked curiously, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "Are you _finally _ready to go? I have projects on the back burners as it is, and I really can't afford to wait any longer."

_Only Rodney could make a favor for him sound like he's doing a chore for me, _Elizabeth thought, her quirked smile turned a little wry at the physicist's tone.

"Yes, Rodney, we're almost ready to go. Why don't you go and prep the 'jumper while Teyla and I finish up here?" Elizabeth placated.

Rodney rolled his eyes, settling back on his heels. "I already ran full diagnostics, Elizabeth. Do you really think I'd fly that thing if I wasn't sure that _everything _was running smoothly? Must I remind you of the time where I was _stuck _on the bottom of the _ocean _in a puddlejumper for _several hours_?"

Elizabeth sighed, but knew he had a point. Instead of commenting, she suggested lightly, "Well, why don't you get settled in? We'll be there in one moment."

Rodney rolled his eyes again, but complied with her request. Elizabeth snorted, but caught Teyla's eye and they shared a grin.

Teyla looked eager to get on her way. "Excited?" Elizabeth murmured.

Teyla's grin widened and her eyes gained more sparkle. "Very much. I have not seen my friends in a long while."

Elizabeth tucked back an errant curl as the last bag was packed into the back. "It looks like we're ready for take-off," Elizabeth said, motioning towards the 'jumper.

"What we don't get good-byes?" John tapped Elizabeth's shoulder. He raised an eyebrow then crossed his arms, Ronon a tall shadow behind the military commander of Atlantis.

"We would not leave with out them," Teyla answered. She stepped forward, enveloping John in a hug. Elizabeth turned her attentions to Ronon, though she wasn't quite sure how she should say her farewells to the former Runner.

Ronon surprised Elizabeth, pulling her into a brief hug. "Don't get into any trouble while we're gone," she warned, only half-teasing. Ronon only grunted, though he did give her small smile.

Then Teyla and Elizabeth switched, and Elizabeth gave John a quick hug. "You be careful too," she informed him, poking him gently in the chest.

He gave her his atypical mock hurt stare, saying, "How could you ever think that! It's not like we go out of our way to blow things up on a daily basis."

"I would love to have that in writing," Elizabeth raised an eyebrow. "It might help me explain to our allies that we did not in fact mean to make their planet inhabitable."

"Hey, it's not my fault that there was a supervolcano!" John protested.

"Can we get going here?" Rodney stuck his head out the back of the 'jumper. "Did you not hear me tell you that I have ongoing projects that need my attention?"

Four pairs of eyes were rolled, four mouths sighed. Rodney glared at them all before saying pointedly, "I'm firing up the engines as we speak."

John flapped a hand at the irate scientist, ignoring the tightening around the corner's of Rodney's mouth. "Alright, alright, we'll send them off in few minutes." Rodney's head disappeared and John turned his hazel eyes back to Elizabeth. "Are you sure you want him to take you?"

Elizabeth closed her eyes wearily, before saying, "John, I'm sure. It's just a trip to the Athosian homeworld. Nothing will go wrong."

John let out a heavy breath. "I know, I know. Still…"

"John, it will be okay. Rodney is a fine pilot. Not the best, but…" Elizabeth rested a hand on his shoulder. John looked torn and anxious.

"I'd really prefer to take you there myself," John frowned, looking away and fretting as quietly as possible. It's not that he trust Rodney to fly Elizabeth and Teyla, he would just feel more comfortable knowing that it was him flying the craft. "Alright," John finally muttered, resigned.

"Oh, before I forget, did you talk to Rodney?" Elizabeth stared at John, grimness in her eyes.

John's glance skirted away. "Not exactly."

Elizabeth sighed. "John, I want you to talk with him before I come back."

"I tried that once. It didn't exactly go so well. I'm going to let him cool off before I try to talk to him again," John told her succinctly with only trace bitterness.

Elizabeth lips thinned irritably, but she didn't say anything. John got the message though. "I'll talk to him, I swear!" he protested.

Teyla and Rodney stuck their heads out the back of the 'jumper. "We are ready to depart," Teyla informed the remaining member of their party, before Rodney could say anything.

Rodney, of course, still found it necessary to say something. "And it had better not take forever," he added.

"That's my cue," Elizabeth turned away from John's worried form, and tapped her headset. "This is Dr. Weir. Dial the Athosian homeworld, please." She turned back to John and Ronon one last time, waved her farewells, and stepped onto the puddlejumper.

As soon as Elizabeth was seated in the back with Teyla, the 'jumper rose obediently to Rodney's demands, and made its way to the Stargate. The wormhole coalesced just as the 'jumper entered the room, and Rodney shot off into the rippling horizon.

A millisecond was spent having their molecules mercilessly ripped apart and then jammed back together, and then the 'jumper shot into the Athosian homeworld. It was drizzling just a little when they emerged, and Elizabeth frowned a little as she contemplated unloading all of her stuff in the wet weather.

Teyla focused her gaze foreword, a grin widening on her face as she saw the sprawling settlement come into view. She shifted forward, leaning over Rodney's shoulder so as to get a better view.

"I'm trying to fly here!" Rodney snapped, trying to focus on flying the craft. It wobbled dramatically and Teyla sat back in her chair, paling slightly. Elizabeth gripped her seat, tensing, feeling panic rise in her throat.

"Rodney?" Elizabeth asked through gritted teeth. The 'jumper straightened out its course and began a steady decline towards the village.

When Rodney didn't answer, Elizabeth turned a nervous glance towards Teyla, mouthing, "Does this happen often?"

Teyla dithered for a few seconds, before shrugging in a 'sort-of' motion. Elizabeth let loose a long breath. Teyla sent the mission commander an apologetic look when the Ancient ship jerked a little and a sickly pallor rose in Elizabeth's face. When John had signed off the paperwork claiming that Rodney was qualified to fly a 'jumper, he had made a side note that Rodney's genius actually detracted from his ability to fly the craft. Elizabeth had written it off as a teasing remark, but she knew now it rang true. Rodney's inability to keep one train of thought was interfering with his ability to focus on the 'jumper's controls, leading to odd tilts and stilted motion, which was obviously not helped by the fact that Rodney did not have a natural ATA gene. For once, his genius was detrimental.

The craft finally settled down on the outskirts of the village, with a heaving groan.

All three sat in silence for a second. Then Rodney was moving, opening the back hatch and walking into the gray weather, groaning when a tree dripped moisture down his back. He danced around in the wet, trying to dry off the ice cold water. Unable to get to it, Rodney gave the trees wide berth and rushed back into the 'jumper.

"It's cold and wet here," Rodney complained, lifting up the edge of his jacket. "I'm going to get sick and die horribly of pneumonia."

A rustle in the bushes led to all motion ceasing, as both Rodney and Teyla put their hands on their respective nine mils.

"Teyla! Dr. Weir! Dr. McKay!" Halling greeted from the trail to their left. He and a couple of other Athosians had come to welcome the group.

Teyla smiled widely, releasing her hold on her weapon and then darted through the light rain, beaming even more as she greeted Halling and the others in the Athosian custom. She beckoned for Elizabeth to step forward and the expedition leader found herself being warmly greeted also in the Athosian manner, something she was swift to return.

"Thank you for allowing me to stay with you," Elizabeth said with a smile.

Halling was quick to shake his head. "No, no it is an honor for you to visit," he insisted. "I hope that you will have an enjoyable stay with us."

Elizabeth used a loose curl as an excuse to look away and compose her face, her heart warming at the kind words. She looked back up and stated, "I know I will."

Halling nodded at her answer, and his face broke into an even wider smile. "Allow us to get your things, and we will show you where you will be staying."

"Sheppard! Sheppard!" Jinto came pelting down the trail, rushed through the adults, and raced on to the ship, clanging on the metal. There he met with a surprised Rodney who was just coming back off of the 'jumper, having shucked off his damp jacket in favor of just his t-shirt. His laptop was precariously balanced in one hand, a half-devoured powerbar in the other.

Rodney had just barely managed to say, "Say, Halling, do you know where-" when Jinto ran full tilt into him. The power bar was irrevocably lost, buried in the mud. The laptop swayed crazily, and Rodney fought to catch it while letting out an undignified shriek. Jinto fell back on his butt, floundering as he tumbled down the small metal incline. Rodney's lack of balance finally made itself known as he managed to trip over his own feet while steadying the laptop, though he somehow managed to keep from smashing it. He landed hard on his elbow, sharply inhaling as he hit his funny bone, sending the telltale pins and needles sensation across his arm.

"Dr. McKay! Jinto!" The calls were made in a jumbled unison as everyone rushed to their aid. Teyla and Halling made sure that Jinto was alright. The young boy sat up woozily, but soon pushed away the helping hands and stood unaided. Elizabeth tended to Rodney. Naturally, his first course of action was to frantically check over his scientific instrument. Though it was alright, Rodney could feel fury building, turning his face red.

"What the hell did you think you were doing?" Rodney growled, eyeing Jinto as if he had done it on purpose. "I have a lot of _very critical_ information stored on this machine! If these sensors got screwed up, of if I lost some of the information on here, things could get very bad. As in, 'crap, Atlantis is sinking again!' bad!" Rodney's voice became faster and louder the more he got into his tirade.

Elizabeth winced at his tone, but before she could say anything, Jinto looked up, contrite as Rodney was inhaling for another stream of insults. "I'm really sorry, Dr. McKay. I just thought that since, you know, a 'jumper was coming, that Colonel Sheppard would be coming, and since he promised to teach us...how…to…" Jinto trailed off, shrinking back under the force of Rodney's stare.

The astrophysicist's eyes narrowed, testing the younger boys resolve and honesty. Something in his heart gave a little, and he rolled his eyes before commanding gruffly, "Well, just be careful next time."

Jinto's timid smile grew into a full blown grin. "Sure, Dr. McKay!" he trilled, and without another word gave the startled man a quick hug and turned to ran back down the trail, where Rodney could hear the shouts of boys playing, despite the dampening rain. Ignoring the incredulous stares that he was being given due to his sudden penchant for mercy, he carefully made his way back into the 'jumper, concerned for the safety of his precious laptop. It took a mere minute to check for any unfortunate side effects from his collision with the child and, but by the time he had finally turned his concerns towards any potential personal injuries, the pins and needles sensation in his arm had faded and his bruises were barely noticeable.

"Is everything okay?" an anxious Teyla asked.

"Hm. Yes, well, it seems that there was no lasting damage to my computer. None of the files have been corrupted, and all my sensors seem to check out." Without even looking up, Rodney pulled out another powerbar from his infinite stack, ripped it open, and inhaled almost half of it with one bite.

Eating habits aside, Teyla was surprised. Rodney would usually be complaining of aches and pains to a degree that was physically impossible by this time.

"That is…good," Teyla finished diplomatically, catching Elizabeth's eye and exchanging a confused shrug of the shoulders. "Could you please move your laptop so that we may unload out supplies?"

"Sure," Rodney said, and pulled the laptop away from the various containers it had been resting on. Dr. Keller had used the opportunity to send over some basic antibiotics for the Athosians, in addition to the clothing and supplies that Elizabeth and Teyla had brought for themselves.

Teyla couldn't help but wince as Rodney stayed seated firmly in the interior of the 'jumper as Halling and the other Athosians kindly lifted up the boxes and bags in order to help carry them to the village. Halling's only sign of displeasure was the slight creasing of his forehead, but he chose not to comment.

Teyla and Elizabeth shared another look, this one more of silent embarrassment. Rodney didn't endear himself to people at the best of times, and for the most part, the Athosians had only dealt with him while he was at his worst. However, Rodney seemed to care little for their regard.

"Rodney, we're going!" Elizabeth called as Halling left the 'jumper carrying the last box.

"Alright, I'm coming, I'm coming!" Rodney complained. He finished off the rest of his powerbar in one fell swoop, shoved the wrapper deep into his pocket and closing up his laptop. Tucking the machinery away, he closed up the 'jumper and jogged to catch up with Halling.

He looked furtively around him at the Athosians and Elizabeth before leaning towards Halling and saying in a low voice, "Like I was saying before, do you know where the nearest fiemumblemumblemumble is?"

Elizabeth coughed suddenly, unable to keep a smirk off her face as she heard the same hesitance that Rodney had shown in her office in his voice once more. Teyla shot her a look, curious as to the commander's behavior, became even more curious when Elizabeth clearly tried to swallow laughs, shaking her head.

Teyla, though uncertain on why it was in fact Rodney, and not John, that had taken them to the latest Athos, didn't feel it was quite her business to ask. That didn't mean she wasn't curious. That being said, as subtly as possible she slowed her steps so that she was walking just ahead of her teammate and Halling.

Rodney, still stumbling over his own words, had flushed the color of a ripe, red, borabora fruit. Teyla's curiosity rose even more; what could _possibly _be making Rodney stutter like that?

The words were finally expelled in one long burst. "I need to find flowers!"

The words echoed over through the forest.

Rodney found his muddy shoes to be fascinating. Elizabeth made a strangled sound that Teyla echoed; they exchanged amused glances that made their forms shake with suppressed laughter. Even Halling and the other villagers seemed to find humor in the turn of events.

"Do you have a certain flower in mind?" Halling managed to ask in a serious tone. Teyla wasn't sure how he did it, seeing as she was about to burst into very, very rude laughter any moment.

Rodney looked flabbergasted at the question. "Something nice?" he responded, floundering.

Halling smothered another smile and his eyes softened a little while Rodney continued to find his shoes the most interesting thing he'd seen all day. In a carefully neutral tone, Halling informed Rodney that there was a clearing about a half hour's walk to the northeast of the village, which was filled with a multitude of flowers. Rodney greeted the pronouncement with acute embarrassment, hardly bothering to thank the man. Then, as if trying to convince himself that it never happened, he lagged at the back of the group, unwilling to speak.

The remaining portion of the trip was made quietly, low chatter filtering through the woods. Teyla and Elizabeth covertly glanced through the drizzle at Rodney's trudging form, and Elizabeth smiled warmly as they faced forward once more.

The children crowded at the village entrance, eager to catch sight of the somewhat mysterious Earthlings, ducking behind one another as their courage wore thin.

"Greetings!" Teyla called out, a wide grin threatening to crack her face. The children immediately crowded around here, questioning loudly, giggling, and generally making mayhem. Rodney drew back, face clearly disinterested.

"Which way is the clearing?" he asked Halling. Halling pointed off through the village, but insisted that the astrophysicist take an escort. Something eerily familiar to a wolf's howl punctuated the unspoken warning and Rodney swallowed.

"Are you sure just one will be okay?"

Halling's lips thinned at little, but he reassured Rodney that as of yet there had been few attacks, let alone deaths, and it was just a precaution.

So, while Elizabeth and Teyla settled into their temporary lodgings, Rodney and Illia, an Athosian woman who carried the same sticks and build as Teyla, carried on through the depressing and steady drizzle to the field.

"I'm going to catch pneumonia from being out in this weather!" Rodney complained as a conversation opener.

"Then we shall head back," Illia said, turning on her heel.

"No! No!" Rodney hastened to say. Illia turned back, demeanor questioning. "I have to go," however, was the only explanation that the scientist was willing to part with.

Illia shrugged, not caring either way, continued down the path, swiftly walking past Rodney, who struggled to keep up.

They trudged on in silence, broken only by the blue-eyed man's panting and complaints. Illia bore it all in complaisant calm, leading the way with ease.

Rodney was just feeling the strain in his muscle's when his guide's hurried pace slowed down. "It's just up ahead," she informed him brusquely, indicating through the foliage with a broad sweep of her hand. Rodney took that as an introduction, and stalked through the grass, batting away branches with ill humor. The drizzle had long since soaked through his jacket and was working on chilling him to the bone.

Finally breaking free, Rodney had to admit that he was pretty damn awestruck by the clearing. Though it was no more than a couple hundred feet across at the widest point, the clearing was filled to the brim with more flowers than he could pick in a year. Blues, violets, brilliant reds, and sunny yellows were only what he noticed in the first few seconds. He sighed a little, a small smile making itself known on his face.

It quickly changed to a frown as he realized he had no idea how to make an appropriate bouquet. A tiny part of his brain smacked his inner self on the forehead as Rodney came to the realization that if Katie had ever mentioned a favorite color or flower, he hadn't been paying attention.

Yet again, panic set in, though of a lesser variety than before. _When in doubt, take them all, _Rodney finally decided. With the decision made, Rodney waded into the flowers, randomly picking ones that he thought Katie might like.

After almost an hour's time of searching through the field, he found himself carrying the strangest assortment of flowers he had ever seen. Bright purple flowers the size of sunflowers, tiny, many blossomed red flowers arranged in a cone-like shape, something that might have been a fern in actuality, but had soft orange blossoms sprouting from the stem, and large blue flowers that were reminiscent of lily's made up the bulk of Rodney's handful.

An unconscious nervous expression covered his face as he walked back through the flowers to Illia, who had taken shelter under some broad leaves. The call similar to a wolf's filled the forest again and the hair's on the back of Rodney's neck rose. "I'm ready to go if you are," he informed the woman, huddling into his jacket, despite the fact that it, his shirt, his pants and his underwear had long since soaked through. His longing to get out of his wet things intensified and he stalked past Illia and back onto the path. He attempted to turn up his collar one-handed, but gave it up as useless.

Walking back was even harder. The drizzle had penetrated every corner of the woods, turning the pathway to mud and creating slippery surfaces everywhere. Both Rodney and Illia had a hard time keeping balance, and it took nearly twice the time to get back to the village.

Elizabeth and Teyla were waiting with Halling at the edge of the Athosian settlement. They were all huddled under umbrellas, trying to keep away from the rain that was beginning to come down a little harder. All of their faces cleared with relief as they spotted the two people.

"We were worried!" Elizabeth called out. Rodney trudged through the ever deepening mud, shrugging his response. Spotting the flowers clenched in Rodney's hand, Elizabeth shook her head. "Do you have a container we can put those in before he squeezes the life out of them?" she asked, indicating towards the flowers.

"I'm not squeezing the life out of them!" Rodney automatically defended, body tensing defensively. He brandished them towards Elizabeth, saying, "See? They're fine!" in a loud voice.

A few petals whirled off the bunch and Elizabeth raised an expressive eyebrow. Rodney glared at the expedition commander, but shoved the bunch towards her.

Always the diplomat, Teyla turned to Halling. "Can you ask Tyro if we may borrow a vase? Rodney, if you will follow me, I believe that we packed some towels that you may use to dry off at least a little. Illia, thank you for your help. It was much appreciated while Elizabeth and I settled in." Everyone was given a cursory nod and smile and left, causing Elizabeth to marvel at the difference between being chosen leader by the people versus by the government.

Allowing Rodney to join them underneath the umbrella, they made their way to the low dwelling in which Elizabeth and Teyla would be staying. Teyla snagged a couple of towels as Elizabeth shook the excess water of the umbrella.

"Thanks," muttered Rodney as he stripped of his jacket, wiping the rain off of his face and toweling his brown hair dry before setting the damp cloth around his shoulders in hopes that it would soak up water from the shirt. Elizabeth placed Rodney's flowers onto a table near the doorway, and the threesome settled into chairs around the tiny fire that warded of the chill of the rain.

Silence pervaded the hut, but it was neither uncomfortable nor irritating. It was a calm sort of silence, but bore a weariness that was depressing. Finally, the sharp knock on the door alerted everyone to Halling's presence. Teyla was up first, lithe form weaving delicately across the room before either Elizabeth or Rodney had even looked up from the fire. She drew Halling aside, murmuring in a soft tone.

If money passed hands, it was neither seen nor heard, and no inquiry was made for the moment. Rodney settled deeper into his chair, feeling the fatigue that had been pulling at him the last few days take residence in his bones, and his fight to keep his eyes from shutting wasn't working. _No harm in letting them close for a moment…_

Elizabeth was startled out of her soft reverie as Rodney loosed a small snore. Nothing of dramatic proportions, but sent the clear message that Rodney was dead asleep.

"Oh, Rodney, what are we going to do with you?" the expedition commander asked aloud, voice laced with amusement. The scientist snored again.

The click of the door was Halling's exit, and Teyla began to pull out the various ingredients and dishware needed to make some hot Athosian tea. "I asked Halling to contact Atlantis with the news that Rodney would be staying here tonight." A dry smirk tugged at her lips. "I would not trust him in the air at the moment."

"Me neither," Elizabeth agreed. Another snore floated through the room. "Is he always like this?" she asked a little plaintively.

Teyla swallowed a giggle, but nodded. "Yes. I had a cousin once whom we could hear snore two houses over though, so I don't mind it much." Teyla handed Elizabeth a mug of tea, and the woman gratefully swallowed a small sip.

Elizabeth rubbed at her eyes, while Teyla gazed at her evenly over the top of the cup. "Go to bed," the Athosian urged. Elizabeth heaved a sigh, lingering over the last few sips of her tea.

Elizabeth rustled quietly in the back room, changing into her pajama's and slipped under the soft covers that Athosians had graciously provided. There, she slipped into sleep for what felt like the first time in ages.

In the main room, Teyla viewed the chair that Rodney was snoring in with a critical eye. He was going to be in a cranky mood if he slept like that all night. She blew out a frustrated breath, body starting to crave sleep as well.

"Rodney. Rodney!" Teyla whispered roughly. She shook him a little, and Rodney eventually stated at her, bleary eyed. "You can stay here tonight, but you'll be more comfortable in a bed."

With Teyla supporting him, Rodney stumbled to the bed next to Elizabeth, promptly fell into it without a care for comfort and was asleep once more. Teyla groaned a little, but took off the man's shoes as if he were an errant child who had played to exhaustion. She took the spare blankets that had been left in case the room got to cold for the occupant's liking, and created and improvised bed and the floor relatively near the fire.

It wasn't uncomfortable, but Teyla knew she could look forwards to a few kinks in her back in the morning. Any rancor she would have felt at Rodney stealing her bed was erased by the drained figure. The astrophysicist usually thrived on exhaustion, but for the past few days his usually alert form had begun to droop. For him to be able sit quietly in a chair all evening without once demanding his PDA, laptop or anything else to do, scared Teyla. Pulling her clothing off and getting into her loose fitting nightclothes, the tan woman scooted under her makeshift bed, tossing and turning, trying to find a comfortable position.

Her eyes caught sight of the nondescript vase that now held all of Rodney's flowers, and she clung to the image. Rodney was never forthcoming with information, but _surely _he would be more open with Katie.

Right?

Yet there was a nagging doubt that it should be herself, Sheppard, Elizabeth and Ronon helping Rodney, not a woman Teyla rarely saw outside of the botanical area. The Athosian forced the idea away from her, dimly hearing Carson's thick brogue in her memory, _Rodney's the sort of man that can't see the forest for the trees. Remember that Doranda business? All I can say is thank God the lad learned his lesson, for though he might not know it he would be sorely missed around her…_

A tear leaked out, but the memory was comforting, reassuring Teyla that Dr. Zelenka and she were doing to right thing. Resolutely turning away from the flowers and closed her eyes tight in anticipation of sleep.

--------------------

Rodney didn't see John when he landed, though he knew the man was probably lurking around the area somewhere. The amount of anger that rose at the thought of John's words made Rodney uncomfortable. He wanted to lash out at his teammate, make him feel pain.

Resolutely putting all thoughts of John out of his mind, he exited from the 'jumper at a near run. Though he had had the first full nights sleep in a long time, his body was clearly unhappy with him still, making its anger known through dark circles under his eyes and an inclination to yawn. There was no time for that, though. If he was going to catch Katie before she joined her fellow botanists this morning, he was going to have to race against the clock to catch her.

Rodney barely glanced at the hurried figures that paced down the halls towards the science lab, pushing past them in his hurry. Most turned to snap a rude comment, but caught sight of the Head of Science and clamped their mouths shut. Rodney tried to protect his precious cargo, carrying the vase above the heads of those teaming towards the labs.

Still dressed in yesterday's rumpled (though no longer damp) clothing, and carrying the ever essential laptop on his back, he finally caught Katie right before she opened the door leading to her prized ferns.

"Katie!" he called frantically before she was even able to step a foot in. A smile blossomed on her face at the sight of him, then her eyes widened at the strange sight he made, carrying a huge vase of flowers. He shoved them awkwardly at her.

"F-for me?" she stammered, sounding stunned.

"Of course! I gave it to you, didn't I?" The words came out crueler than Rodney intended, and he ran a hand over the stubble that had grown on his face. "I didn't mean it like that," he explained to the wide-eyed woman across from him.

The warm smile Katie gave him as she took the flowers out of his hands softened Rodney's face. "Thank you," the botanist told Rodney. "They're beautiful. Where did you find them?"

"I uhhhh…well, when I took Elizabeth and Teyla to the Athosians, I ummmm, asked if they had any fields and stuff, so I, uhhhh, picked some flowers. You know, for you," Rodney said amidst a blush.

"Thank you, Rodney," Katie said again. "Look…"

"I knew I waited to long!" Rodney interrupted. "It's just that I didn't really know what to do, and I've never had to apologize to a girl, and I just I…look…if you're going to break up with me, can you at least wait until after we talk, or something?" Hopeful blue eyes met that of the woman opposite him.

Katie giggled a little, though the nervous lines didn't leave her face. "I wasn't going to break up with you. I was hoping we could talk, actually. Maybe later this afternoon? Around four, say? Dr. Parrish is supposed to relieve me with the ferns. We're beginning to get some really progress with them!" Katie finished enthusiastically.

Rodney broke into a tentative smile, saying, "Sure. Ummmm…I'll pick you up here?"

Katie's smile widened so far Rodney wasn't sure how the top of her head was still attached. "See you then!" Katie skipped inside, holding the flowers close to her bosom.

Rodney gave a little wave as a goodbye, and left the doorway, thankful for small miracles. With the exception of the botanists themselves, the scientists had a tendency to stay away from the area. Only then did he notice he small audience, created of botanists, all staring at him in absolute awe. Gaping mouths, wide eyes, the whole enchilada.

"Get going!" Rodney snapped, and the words spurred everyone into action, heads down, hardly daring to touch him. His crisp gait carried him away from the science labs, but not so far away that he couldn't be reached in an emergency. He smoothly opened the door to his rooms, and closed it behind him.

Fatigue made him stagger. It was like he hadn't just slept a full night. Rodney had experienced it once or twice while he had been in college. The week of finals was precipitated by no sleep at all, but his body hadn't seemed affected by the lack…up until the time he tried to resume his normal sleeping schedule of a couple hours. It had been like he couldn't get enough sleep, and would sleep until starved, eat, and then fall back asleep until his body was adjusted once more.

Had it really been that long since he last slept? Rodney couldn't really remember, but things had been so stressed lately in every area of his life that any sleep he had caught was not of the best quality. There were times when if felt like he had a permanent crick in his neck from falling asleep at the lap table, or snatched a few hours after a bout of insomnia. His sleep schedule had been suffering since Carson's death, actually, and the thought of his best friend's sudden demise-

_And it's all my fault!_

-and yes, there was the guilt to contend with too. A shower and a shave, plus some fresh clothes were the epitome of comfort at the moment, and Rodney eyed his bathroom with pursed lips. He pulled his shirt off and tossed it into the corner with an uncommon grace. Boots, socks, pants and finally underwear were next. Rodney stared at his laundry pile with ire, knowing it was too big for him to survive much longer without washing it. Shrugging it off for later, Rodney rubbed a tired hand against his back muscles, feeling them tense.

He heaved a sigh, but stepped into the already warm shower, scrubbing all over in hopes that it would wake him further, but it was to no avail. He stumbled out of the shower quite as tired as he had been before. He stared numbly at his razor for a moment before deciding not to risk slitting his throat by accident. The stubble wasn't too bad, anyways. Towel wrapped securely around his waist, Rodney stepped back in his room to peruse what items of clothing were still usable. Clean underwear was first, and regulation uniform and shirt were tossed on over that.

A dizzy spell washed over him, making the room spin. "Whoa," Rodney murmured aloud, before making his way to his bed carefully. On the bed, he would be able to rest his head for just a minute…

--------------------

"_Rodney, this is Radek Zelenka. God help me, if you forgot your radio…! Hloupý blbec!" [Stupid idiot!._

Dr. Zelenka stormed out of the labs, figuring he might as well make a cursory stop at Rodney's residence. His lab coat snapped around his legs as he walked to the first of many locations he was sure to have to search before finding the errant scientist.

"Rodney!" Zelenka shouted upon finally reaching his superior's door. "Are you in there?"

No answer.

Still, it was best to peek inside anyways. It was public knowledge that if immersed in a project, Dr. McKay might not hear a single thing going on around him. Zelenka slid his hand over the door-opener, nerves grating a little at his lack of the ATA gene, but the door slid open easily enough.

Rodney was on the bed, fast asleep, open-mouthed, drooling and snoring a little. Zelenka's annoyance eased as he took in the worn form of his friend and tip-toed out of the room, allowing the door to slide shut. It wasn't too much trouble to handle any problems the scientists managed to come up with today if it meant that Rodney was started to catch up on sleep. Radek had also heard the rumors of Rodney carrying a vase full of flowers to Dr. Brown, and figured that he would make some secretive inquiries in order to make sure that Rodney was awake and able to talk with Dr. Brown.

With a small smile on his face, Radek headed back to the labs.

--------------------

TBC


	8. Dissonance

Wow! Second to last chapter! We've come a long way, and I would like to thank everyone for your support over the course of writing this! I dedicate this chapter to my loyal readers! With hopes of saving Carson Beckett, of course!

Oh, and kudos to the person who knows where the phrase on the mug comes from!

**Imperfect Order**

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**Dissonance: Combination of tones that sounds discordant and unstable, in need of resolution**

When Rodney returned to the living world, he was beyond starving, and was shocked to see the clock reporting a time of 2:38. He sat up quickly, resulting in a head rush that left the room tilting. Rodney lay back for a moment before trying to stand up and was pleased to find no unfortunate ramifications of his movement.

He rubbed his eyes and was surprised that he was feeling much more energized. Nowhere up to his usual standards, of course, but nothing that strong coffee wouldn't remedy. Shrugging into a jacket and running fingers through his hair, he- for once- remembered his radio and clipped it to his belt before exiting his room.

He had just enough time to run to the labs, drink whatever coffee was currently in the pot and check the latest readings for the desalination, clean up any errors and still have enough time to pick up Katie.

He covered a yawn before pulling out a powerbar and taking a large bite, he entered the labs. Everyone looked up, and seeing the Head Scientist, rushed to look as busy as possible. Rodney casually ignored the chaos, as he always did, and stalked to the coffee machine.

It was something of a group effort, the coffee mug collection. Every so often, one of the scientists had the Daedalus bring a new mug. However, the only one left today was also the only mug anyone from outside the scientist-hood had ever added to the collection.

It was a mug that read 'Will Do Magic for Food', a quip that John had claimed was fitting for the scientist. Rodney had denied being a wizard, claiming that voodoo was Carson's expertise. John had laughed, but somehow persuaded a grumpy Rodney to accept the mug.

The thoughts of John and Carson made Rodney motion towards the sink, as if planning to dash the mug into a million pieces, but sighed and filled it to the brim with coffee instead. He gulped down some coffee, which was still warm enough to be acceptable, and started a new batch. Taking the remaining coffee with him, he weaved through the scientists, glancing over shoulders and fixing problems with an ease that was both natural and incredibly frustrating for the recipient.

At last Rodney reached Radek, and he slid into the open lab stool, snapped his fingers and demanded to see the results from the desalination patch.

Radek pushed the readout towards the astrophysicist, and returned to his work on his computer. Rodney read through the results in a few moments time, eyes narrowed and entire being concentrated fully on every detail of the paper.

"We're good. We can have the techs confirm and I'll finalize this patch," Rodney informed Radek with his normal sharp tone, sliding the papers back. "And I'm on a tight schedule this afternoon, so it needs to be done soon."

Any harsh words were stemmed by the still dark circles underneath Rodney's eyes. A technician was beckoned for and did the cursory check that was needed for all new programming entering the system. Twenty minutes later the technician finished his perusal of the patch and John had given his permission for the patch to become permanent in Elizabeth's stead.

"Finally!" Rodney griped. "It's about time that you all finished!"

Radek rolled his eyes and waved the technician away. It was no good chiding Rodney for his behavior; the man had a tendency to over estimate the IQ of those around him, and was often confounded by the confusion he created. Knowing any reproach would fall on deaf ears, Zelenka simply slid away from his laptop, allowing Rodney to finalize the patch.

What would have taken even Radek about five or so minutes to complete, took Rodney two. The engineer marveled at Rodney's brilliance yet again. The astrophysicist in question ignored everything in order to fill his mug to the brim once more. Rodney downed the contents, checked his watch, and grimaced as a local laptop's clock told him it was almost four. Checking the systems readout had taken much longer that he expected because of a strange anomaly that had turned out to be the system simply adjusting to its new coding. However, it ruled out any opportunity for Rodney to check up on his projects.

He finished his latest dosage of caffeine and poured his third cup, rubbing his eyes. Instead of checking his own work, Rodney did a run of the room, checking on everyone's progress, fixing the latest mistakes and signing off on three new projects thanks to some new data before sending Zelenka a brief goodbye and exiting the labs.

Rodney leaned against the wall across from the botany labs, fidgeting as he waited for Katie to exit. He tapped his fingers, bounced on the toes of his feet, listed prime numbers, went over his current projects, went over everyone else's projects, mentally listed meetings, cursing when he realized that the Science meeting had been postponed due to Elizabeth's vacation, rejoicing at the fact that SGA-1 was mission-less until Elizabeth got back (because no one was going to risk all three division heads off of Atlantis at once) and finally, just when he was about to loose his mind with boredom, Katie left the botany area and graced Rodney with a huge smile.

"Katie!" Rodney greeted, some pressure easing inside of him. It was almost as if, time after time, a small part of him was still surprised by the fact that people cared for him.

"Hello to you too," Katie responded warmly.

Rodney dithered for a moment, trying to figure out what he was supposed to do next. Katie took pity on him, and grabbed his hand, laying a chaste peck on the cheek. "Thanks for the flowers," she whispered into his ear, and Rodney flushed the color of a tomato.

"N-no problem," he breathed back, and was once again stunned by the bright smile Katie showered on him. "Look, I just wanted to say thank you for sticking around this long, because I know I'm not easy to be around at the best of times, but things have been rough lately-"

"It's okay," Katie reassured him. "There's this balcony near my room. If you'd like, we can talk there."

"Sure," Rodney agreed, and the pair silently crossed the cool halls of Atlantis. The balcony was no different from the many that littered the outside of the giant city. The ocean sprayed against the sides of Atlantis, sending cool mist up onto the balconies on windy days. Today was one of those windy days, though both Katie and Rodney had their military issue jackets to protect them.

Katie's kind and forgiving nature once more shined through as she opened the conversation. Taking a deep breath, she began by saying, "After the whole Cadman thing, I…understood why you might want to avoid me. From your perspective it would have been awkward and embarrassing at best. But I really do like you," she persisted, shoving her hands deep inside her jacket pockets. "So I was really happy when you decided to come and talk to me again. I'm not very good with being really outgoing, you know. So imagine my surprise when on your only day off, when you work so hard all the time-" a blush suffused Rodney's face, "-and you wanted to spend it with me! I was happy, really, really happy. And I thought what's one day going to do? Dr. Beckett sees you all the time. Admittedly, mostly for medical reasons, but you can talk to him, talk to Sheppard. I just wanted that for us, so we can always be at the very least, friends. Not that I'm breaking up, or want to, but I was so hopeful when you came, and you were so sweet during lunch, and it was just the two of us and then…the explosion," an expression of heartbreak and agonizing pain, guilt and embarrassment filled Katie's face, as the last words faded away. "I honestly thought you hated me."

"Katie, I…" words failed the man, and he gestured helplessly. "How could you think that? I asked you to have lunch with me to get out of the fishing. How could I blame you for agreeing? And how could you still think that, I mean, I gave you flowers! Isn't that supposed to mean that I still like you, or whatever," Rodney finished, blowing out a frustrated breath. "I've been angry at me for asking. You're right, Carson was my best friend. But if there's one thing that I've learned, it's that I'm not very good at being a friend." Rodney shook his head. "Just when I think that I've finally reached a place where I can belong, something like this happens! I hate it! This happened with Ford too, you know? Just when you think you can start to depend on someone, they're up to their ears in drugs and out of their mind. Just when I thought I had a family here," Rodney gestured, a little sadly. "These people, you, Sheppard, Carson…I honestly don't know what I'd do without you. Sam kept saying that I was petty, arrogant, selfish. But you all, you helped me earn two families. You guys here, Jeannie on Earth, and now I'm just rambling on and on. But seriously, how could you think I hated you after all this?" Rodney ended angrily, running his fingers through his hair.

"Rodney," Katie began, and she tried to put a comforting hand on his shoulder, but Rodney was shaking his head.

"Can't even apologize right, dammit. Sam, Sheppard, Elizabeth, Carson…well, you get the idea. Almost everyone I've ever known has said that I'm the only person who can turn an apology into an accusation. Look, I'm really, genuinely sorry. I can't seem to stop screwing up, or start really trusting people. Doranda, the sunken 'jumper, going with Carson…" a tired hand reached up to rub the worn blue eyes.

"Rodney, thank you. Thank you for the apology, thank you for explaining things, thank you for trusting me enough to say this to me. It means a lot coming from you, it really does. I can't tell you what to do, because I don't know what to say," Katie half shrugged, playing with a lock of hair.

Rodney's eyes softened as he told Katie, "Then thank you for listening. I think…I know I've made a lot of mistakes these last couple weeks, but I can't be perfect in every way. That would just frighten people." Rodney's matter of fact tone hid his pain and despair. Katie covered a smile; she was learning how to decipher the astrophysicist.

"Would you like to get some dinner?" Katie asked hesitantly, saddened when Rodney shook his head.

"I'd love to, I really would, but I have too much work to get done tonight," Rodney answered, tone filled with remorse. He paused for a second before continuing. "But, if you'd like, maybe tomorrow night? We can meet at the mess hall at, well," Rodney found himself frowning a little, "Actually I have a tendency to loose track of time," Rodney corrected in a conspiratorial whisper and seemed surprised when Katie agreed with the statement. Blowing it off, he continued, saying, "When you're done in the botany labs, maybe you can just come and grab me? Or send me and email, since I check it often enough-"

Any further comments were interrupted by a brief and chaste kiss that Katie planted on Rodney's lips effectively shutting him up and giving him a goofy grin. "Alright," she agreed.

"W-well, ummmm, yes. Then, okay, I'm going to g-go and work on the stuff. In the labs. Yes. The stuff in the labs," he said, flustered. He ran fingers through his hair, making it stand on end before kissing her back and then darting inside and heading towards the science labs.

Katie watched him run off, good humor giving way to worry lines that creased her face. She shook her head as fear for her boyfriend's welfare rose in her chest. The way he didn't show any emotion when he mentioned Carson and the self deprecation were just two signs that something was terribly wrong.

And Katie didn't know what to do.

--------------------

Rodney found himself trembling a little as he closed the door to his private lab. Leaning against the door, his breathing was uncommonly harsh, and that bone deep weariness was beginning to settle on him again. "I was just asleep a few hours ago!" Rodney grated out, and slammed a fist against the door.

Crying out a little as the pain came, he cradled the injured limb to his chest and slouched on a lab stool. _What's wrong with me? _He pleaded silently. He was tired, cranky (more so than usual), unwilling to trust (also more than usual), unable to concentrate (must we say it?)…the list went on. He limply leaned his body against the table, ignoring the uncomfortable position.

_Grief is confusing. And annoying. And dammit, Carson, this is all your fault, you voodoo practicing bastard! _Rodney screamed inside his skull. A dull thwack against the table told the world that Rodney had just allowed his head to fall against the table. A tiny tear might have fallen, but Rodney ignored it, and lifted his head in order to rest his chin on the table.

After staring into space for a good five minutes, Rodney dragged himself out of the lab in order to snatch his personal laptop from where it rested in his rooms. He truly did need to get some work done. After dreaming of his bed in a daze for several minutes, he managed to get himself back to his lab work, but proceeded to allow his baby blues to glaze over every so often, only to pull his attention span back to his work. He caught a mistake every few minutes, and finally switched to something more relaxing. A furtive glance around the room to make sure that everything was in its rightful place was followed by Rodney bringing up the file that held his sheet music. His next protective measures were to sit in the furthest corner of the room, facing the door in order to prevent anyone from sneaking up.

He refused to allow himself to think of recent events at all and created a self sustained bubble where Sheppard hadn't ever spoken, where Carson was a radio call away, and a world where Dr. Keller wasn't interested in doing a CMO's work. With the preparations complete, Rodney permitted his head to drop into his hand as he pulled up various songs, tweaking a chord here, redesigning a few measures there, until he opened the file that contained his most current work in progress.

It was, all things consider, a somewhat pleasing ballad of the Scottish nature, but he couldn't get it so sound quite right. He ran through the music three, four, five times, fixing the tiniest of details until finally the bone deep weariness claimed victory over his body.

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There once was a tray. On that tray rested five cups of blue jello without any sort of accoutrements. Next to that jello rested a spoon. That tray, with its jellos and spoon, was being carried by one Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard. John was walking down a hall. And this hall happened to be in Atlantis, and led directly to the labs.

More specifically, Rodney's lab.

It was nearing midnight, but John had a feeling that Rodney would still be awake and active, for the man seemed to flourish equally well during nighttime hours as he did during the day. His sleeping hours were erratic at best, and missions only served to give Rodney parameters to sleep in.

John had made a feeble attempt to head to bed by 10 in the evening. He'd stripped down to his boxers, made sure his gun and his clothes were in easy reach, made sure the room was dark and cool, and stretched out on his bed. He even managed to pretend he was falling asleep for almost an hour and a half. Then, as midnight ticked closer, John finally growled a curse and rolled out of bed.

The reason for his unrest was obvious. Ever since their argument in the infirmary, Rodney and John had studiously ignored each other and it was beginning to wear on John. He felt bad. Rodney wasn't good with people at the best of times, and John hadn't helped the situation. Demanding that Rodney stay put, listen to Dr. Keller, the blame he had practically laid at his feet…

Not one of his proudest moments, as it were. Seeing Rodney's face after that John's accusations was right up there with the crestfallen horror and pain that had made itself obvious after Rodney had tried to apologize to John for Doranda.

Both faces were on John's list of 'Top Ten Faces Never to Allow Rodney to Make Again'. Even worse was the fact that the words hadn't been real. He hadn't meant them, and Teyla's disapproving faces, Elizabeth's raised eyebrows and Ronon's scowls had made it abundantly clear that he was in deep shit.

He had some serious apologizing to do, it seemed. John knew better than to apologize to Teyla, Elizabeth or Ronon. They would give him the silent treatment, ignoring his pleas, no matter how heartfelt. On the other hand, as long as he made things right with Rodney, the trio wouldn't even mention it again.

So here he was, at midnight, carrying pilfered blue jellos to Rodney's lab in order to beg his forgiveness for being the most unimaginable asshole.

He tapped nervously on Rodney's lab door, and was surprised to hear no response. Usually Rodney at least spared an annoyed 'go the hell away!' for intruders. Frowning, Sheppard knocked again, a little harder. Still no answer. He quickly ordered the door to open, and was surprised to find the room lit only by the blinking screens of laptops. Most rested on the tables around the room, but one had Rodney's head rested right next to it.

The starkly lit plains of his face contrasted with the softer shadows that lay underneath Rodney's eyes and rested beneath his cheekbones. It had an almost paradoxical effect making the astrophysicists look like both a child and a skeleton. John's eyes softened at the prone form.

Though he was loathe to wake him up, Rodney was never happy after a night sleeping in the lab. If John helped him to bed now, he could deal with a far more pleasant Rodney in the morning. There was time enough for reparations later.

"Rodney," John whispered right into the other man's ear. "Wake up."

Rodney groaned and stirred, but only turned his face away from the light. John nudged him. "Rodney, come on, buddy. You'll feel a lot better if you spend the night in an actual bed, I swear."

John wasn't sure what Rodney grumbled, but he would bet it wasn't a blessing. "Come on, wake up," John said with a tug on Rodney's arm. That actually got the physicist up. Rodney swayed like a drunk, but he was up.

The fact that Rodney didn't become any more awake alarmed John. It spoke volumes about how tired Rodney was, and sent a flash of steaming-hot guilt racing through the colonel's frame. Allowing Rodney to lean on himself, John helped the tired Answer Man out the door and towards his room. John counted his lucky stars as Rodney began to lean more and more heavily on his friend, happy that Rodney had chosen his quarters fairly near the labs. Had it been any further, John would not have managed to half-carry Rodney all the way.

John also counted his blessings as Rodney's door slid open for him. There was no way that the colonel would have been able to operate an Earth style door while practically carrying Rodney's body. Once inside, John dumped Rodney on his bed, pulled off the man's boots and jacket, haphazardly covered him with his blankets, and surveyed his work. The room was a mess, as usual, but something seemed off about the room.

It felt like it took John ages before he realized that Rodney's laptop was still in the lab station. He sighed heavily, finally beginning to feel the sleep that had been so elusive. However, Rodney would throw a fit if something happened to his precious computer, so John duly made his way back to the labs.

John quickly realized his mistake. Without Rodney around, the colonel had no idea what he should do with the open programs. He debated over the issue, finally resolving to save it under a slightly different file name. That way, if it was a work in progress, Rodney still had the original file, but if the man's work was done, Rodney could do what he wished because it was all still there.

File after file was brought up, surveyed, and saved. Just as John was wondering how much crap Rodney had open on his computer, he brought up the last file.

It was covered with music notes.

_What? _John thought, confused. _Sheet music? _

It was. Pages and pages of sheet music all under the title of 'Scottish Fire'. He studied it for a long moment. He knew enough as a guitar player to realize that it was piano music, but what on _Earth _was Rodney doing with sheet music on his computer?

Curiosity got the better of John, and he pressed play. Nothing could be heard. John rolled his eyes as he realized the sound wasn't on. He paused the music, fixed the sound, and tried again.

As the first few notes sounded, John found it hard to breathe. _This was Carson's music! _Specifically, it was the song they had played at his funeral. The song that had begun to bring it all home for John, the song that forced him to swallow his tears and walk through that damn Stargate. The song that had haunted the plane trip to Scotland, the song that echoed as Rodney broke the news to Carson's mother, the song that his family played at the burial.

John never stopped to realize that tears were streaming down his face as the music deviated from the initial melody, becoming something else entirely. It was lined with bittersweet chords, with an undeniable Scottish flair that occasionally wandered back to echo the original melody. Page after page it progressed, becoming more intricate as it continued. It reminded John of Carson in the strangest ways. A rolling arpeggio became Carson's Scottish burr. Some of the harsh chords were his anger at disobedient patients. A wistful sub-melody became Carson's smile and his love of Scotland.

A niggling thought began to grow in the back of John's brain, but he let it rest there until the song was done playing.

The apex of the song was indescribable, filled with clashing chords that grew in to different clashing chords, which slowly resolved over the course of a page into something else entirely, both heartfelt and bittersweet. The music then began to simplify in an echo to the way it had become more complicated in the beginning.

The last melodic line was the same as the first, and the last note faded away.

John didn't move. He didn't breathe, he didn't think, he didn't do _anything_. The niggling thought grew into a full out suspicion and John scrolled back to the top. He told himself what to expect, but when the composer's name confirmed the news, he was still blown away by shock.

Rodney McKay, geek-filled, brilliant, ego-centric, best-friend-of-John, top scientist, jackass, rude, kind, Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay was the composer. John sat in awe for a while, feeling like he had just missed something huge.

The first question that surfaced was: When had Rodney gotten a music program for his laptop? This was quickly followed by: Since when does Rodney compose music? Did Rodney ever say he could play piano? Why did he make this for Carson (for there was no doubt that it _was _for Carson)?

Shaking fingers saved and exited out of the program, and John was left staring numbly at the screen. Emotions poured through him at a rate that left him breathless and unable to identify what he was feeling. As his racing heart slowed and the fine tremor lacing his hands disappeared, John felt…

Better.

Somehow, he felt better. It was as though Rodney had dissected John's feelings with a queer detachment and composed the song in order to make John realize that things weren't as bad as they seemed. There was a therapeutic element to the composition, something undeniable and equally unnamable.

But music cannot be made without passion, John knew. The same passion that fueled him when he played guitar had to be present. So this song was quite literally a window into Rodney's soul.

The thought made John sit up straighter. The pained chord progression in some sections, the soft melody, the straining augmented notes took on a new depth and level of intellect. John always knew Rodney was a genius. But it was one thing to have it demonstrated under pressure when it was time to do or die.

It was completely different to hear the genius while Rodney wasn't speaking, but putting his laughter with Carson, his pain at packing the Scot's things, and the slow tears that had slowly descended as Teyla, Ronon, Elizabeth, Rodney and himself had sat silently together, offering balm to place on wounded hearts, was on a such an emotional and brilliant level that John's mind was blown away.

In the dark caverns of John's mind, he took stock of how he was feeling; still agonizing over his words to Rodney, ready to cry for Carson, praying that he could get his work done and hold everything together just one more day, but no longer drowning in the sheer desperation that had been all he could see.

Worrying about which decision to make took longer than the actions that were needed to carry his plan out. John stole a few of Rodney's empty disks, uploading first the music program and then several of the songs that he had found. Guilt rose, but he felt that necessity was greater. With the pirated information safely tucked away, John's last act of the evening was dropping Rodney's laptop off and returning to his quarters in the dim lighting.

John deposited the jello on his table, stripping to his boxers and throwing on a nightshirt. Tucked under the covers, John gazed into the dark, mind turning over his perception of self, as well as Rodney's music, Carson's death, and how his friends- essentially his family- were faring, something John berated himself for not doing earlier.

_That's not going to be the case any more, _John thought firmly, patting the disks one more time, before curling under the covers and closing his eyes resolutely.

--------------------

Teyla was already gone when Elizabeth awoke, but in the three days of vacation, that had been the norm. Also like usual, Teyla had left a pot of Athosian tea brewing by the coals of the fire, and Elizabeth smiled her appreciation. She stretched, pajama top sliding up, and she ran fingers through her frazzled hair before pouring herself a cup. Nursing the brew, Elizabeth took the time to wake up slowly, appreciated the distinct lack of stress. It turned out Kate was on to something when she suggested the vacation. The time to think and relax was doing wonders for Elizabeth's worn nerves and anxieties. She paused to check what time it was, and found that once again, she had slept in. Teyla was surely visiting with the villagers by now, leaving Elizabeth the rest of the morning to herself.

As she had the past two days, she took advantage of the lovely weather in order to do nothing in particular. She was catching up on some of the books she had brought from Earth, walking along the trails around the Athosian villages, drinking in the warm weather like a sponge. After a brief debate over what to do, Elizabeth dressed in casual clothing: a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a sweater in case the wind blowing off the nearby lake was cool. She ran a quick brush through her hair, and a spread a little tinted chap stick on her lips. Then Elizabeth also grabbed the large blanket that was folded near the door in order to have a place to sit at the lake. The last object was a well worn collection of Jane Austen's books, brought on the first official shipment from the Daedalus.

With all the necessary equipment for enjoying the morning at hand, Elizabeth willingly hauled all of her stuff the half mile to the lake. Though the drizzle had left the ground a little soggy the first day, both yesterday and today there was hardly a cloud in the sky.

Over the path arched trees for almost the entire length. They seemed faintly sycamore-like, though with leaves so dark they were practically black. The trees became bushes, and then grass, and then sparse weeds as the shore approached. Elizabeth took a deep breath of the cool air, watching as the wind created ripples on the otherwise glassy surface of the lake. Tranquility reigned supreme, and the fluttering of native birds and rustling of the animals only seemed to add to the peace.

Elizabeth spread her blanket on the ground and plopped into the middle of it, lying down to get comfortable. Stretched out and bathed in sunlight, Elizabeth opened to where her book mark still resided.

_Emma had no opportunity of speaking to Mr. Knightley till after supper; but, when they were all in the ballroom again, her eyes invited him irresistibly to come to her and be thanked. He was warm in his reprobation of Mr. Elton's conduct; it had been unpardonable rudeness; and Mrs. Elton's looks also received the due share of censure. _

"They aimed at wounding more than Harriet," said he. "Emma, why is it that they are your enemies?"

He looked with smiling penetration; and, on receiving no answer, added, "She_ ought not to be angry with you, I suspect, whatever he may be.--To that surmise, you say nothing, of course; but confess, Emma, that you did want him to marry Harriet." _

"I did," replied Emma, "and they cannot forgive me."

He shook his head; but there was a smile of indulgence with it, and he only said, "I shall not scold you. I leave you to your own reflections… 

The morning passed while Elizabeth remained unaware of anything more than the trials and tribulations of Miss Emma Woodhouse. The first reminder that she was surrounded by reality still was a shadow the fell over her face. Elizabeth marked her spot and put the book on her stomach, looking up into Teyla's face. "Hello, Teyla," Elizabeth acknowledged with a soft smile.

"Hello, Elizabeth. How are you feeling?" Teyla answered.

"I'm alright," Elizabeth reassured, and though neither made mention of it, both recognized the fact that it wasn't Elizabeth's physical health that was being questioned.

Teyla nodded, letting the response stand. "Is that the Joan Ausen that you were reading yesterday?"

"Yes, Jane Austen. The book is called Emma. Remind me to let you borrow it when I'm done. I think you'd enjoy it."

"Of course. However, lunch is being prepared as we speak. If we wish to eat our lunch before everything is gone, I recommend that we leave now."

Elizabeth laughed her agreement, standing and cracking her back. Leaning down, she gathered her things, folding the blanket neatly after shaking off the dirt and dead leaves that clung to the underside. Placing her book reverently on top, she gathered her things in her arms and followed Teyla back into the village.

They were having a traditional Athosian stew for the entire community, as they had the past three days in celebration of Teyla and Elizabeth's visit. With the hearty stew was a green dish that reminded Elizabeth of pesto in texture, but tasted like mashed potatoes- some sort of root vegetable, that was sure.

That was followed by a green salad dish, though the Athosians called it sangria. The first time that Elizabeth had heard the name, she nearly snorted her water out of her nose. However, there were only so many syllables to go around the universe, so Elizabeth and the rest of the Earthlings generally tried to keep their giggles to a minimum.

The entire time, Elizabeth was kept busy, chatting with the many Athosians who were eager to hear of the latest news from Atlantis, answering the many questions about Earth (mostly from the children, though the adults listened as well), and so on.

After the meal was finished, however, it was Teyla's turn to shine. Elizabeth made sure that Teyla was able to go to Athos at least twice a month to handle any concerns that came up, though Halling dealt with the day to day stuff, the Athosians were not interested in giving Teyla up as a leader, and Teyla was not interested in dedicating herself solely to Atlantis.

Teyla had once said that coming back to Athos kept her grounded, made sure that she remembered why she was off fighting the Wraith instead of protecting her people. Not that she didn't view her friends on Atlantis as family, she had hastened to explain, but Athos was her first home, though not her only home.

Elizabeth's gaze flickered across the group, when a cry echoed through the group.

A young woman, paying more attention to what Teyla was saying than to what she was doing had tripped, crushing the clay bowl in her hands, and earning herself a long, thin gash across her hand.

"_Well isn't that just awful," _a ghostly voice tutted firmly, accent unmistakable. "_It won't be needin' any stitches, though, so she'll be good as new with some antiseptic cream and a bandage_."

"Carson?" she breathed. His voice had sounded as if it was just in her ear. If someone had told Elizabeth that there was a Wraith behind her, she would have turned. If she was told it had the power of ten Wraith and an army of Iratus bugs to back him up, but he would disappear if she didn't turn, she still would have turned. It was an instinct.

But to turn now, to turn here would mean so much more.

It would mean turning towards the empty trees.

Still, Elizabeth did it, steeling herself for what wouldn't be there, acknowledging that he couldn't be behind, and yet hoping all the same he had his hands shoved in his lab coat and giving her the twinkling grin that let her know that everything was going to be alright.

Her heart plummeted when she turned.

Feeling foolish, she turned back to the group, but her good mood was ruined. Watching Teyla smile and laugh with her friends made Elizabeth bitter, until feigning a headache, she made her way back to her residence, kicking of her shoes with crass aplomb, shedding her sweater and curled on her bed in the dim light.

Oh, how she hated feeling like this! The pity, torn between herself and her friends, the bitter jealously, the unknown future. It wasn't fair! It made her feel nauseous, desperate, and so painfully sad that it made her breath catch.

The pain turned into a steady roll of tears, and then hiccups, and then sobs muffled in her pillow while she shook.

Elizabeth didn't hear Teyla come in, starting at the gentle hand on her back, where it rubbed soothing circles. Elizabeth's first inclination was to snap at Teyla, to make her go away, but the hand was so comforting, so badly needed, that the sobs began all over again. Teyla never said anything, just allowing Elizabeth to cry herself out.

When the sobs slowly stopped, and Elizabeth lay exhausted on her bed, nose so clogged she couldn't breathe, eyes red rimmed, and a headache from loosing so many fluids pounding at her temples. Teyla left for a moment, coming back with tissues and a glass of water, helping the woman sit up to sip at the liquid and then blow her nose loudly. Collapsing back on the bed, she managed a half-hearted smile.

"Feel better?" Teyla questioned serenely. There was no pressure in the inquiry, and Elizabeth shrugged.

"'m tired," she admitted, slurring her words and feeling more like a child than she had in years. Teyla smoothed back Elizabeth's hair, cool fingers pleasant against the flushed skin. That was all that was said for a while, for Teyla adjourned to a rocking chair that was near the bed, and Elizabeth felt exhaustion pulling her away. She gave in without much of a fight and her breathing evened out.

Teyla stayed in the room, quietly meditating as Elizabeth slept. An hour, then two passed and no one dared enter the home. The only sound was the slight creaking as the rocking chair swung back and forth as the minutes passed.

The dinner hour had approached and almost passed when the first stirrings of life emanated from the bed. A hitched breath as the breathing shortened, a soft rustling as the body was moved, the dark glitter that was eyes opening in dying sunlight.

"Good evening," Teyla said simply, allowing Elizabeth to wake at her own pace.

Elizabeth took another sip of the water that still rested next to her bed. Even so, her next words were a little scratchy, catching in her throat. "Good…good evening," Elizabeth coughed to clear her throat. "How long was I asleep?"

"A few hours."

Elizabeth's stomach rumbled a little, and she allowed a tiny smile to escape. Teyla stood, loosening limbs that had stayed stationary for a long while, and the offered her hand to Elizabeth. Grasping it, Elizabeth used it to haul herself up, teetered unsteadily for half a second, but regained her bearings.

"Did I miss anything?" she asked groggily, lines on her face deepening in the half light.

"No, Elizabeth. All is well," Teyla comforted. "Dinner has already been served, if you would like to partake."

Elizabeth wavered for a moment, but straightened, steel resolve shining through. "Yes, I think I will," the confidence sagged for a second, and the haggard woman returned. "Teyla…will you take a walk with me afterwards?"

"Of course," Teyla agreed, and the words bolstered Elizabeth's confidence.

Instead of responding, Elizabeth led the way out, eyes sparkling with a hint of determination, pale face held high. Teyla followed subdued, worry still evident in her stature. Though Elizabeth professed to be hungry, she mostly picked at the meal she was given, nausea beginning to replace any thoughts she entertained of eating a large meal that night. Teyla covered for Elizabeth, finishing the trailed off sentences and deciphering the distant looks.

Unable to stand it any longer, Elizabeth thanked the Athosians as cordially as possible and escaped towards the lake, knowing that Teyla would be able to find her easily enough. Naturally, that was exactly what occurred, and Teyla found Elizabeth walking briskly back and forth, warding off both her nausea and the biting chill that blew off the lake.

Teyla found a mostly comfortable place to sit near the tree line on a large, flat rock. Patiently waiting for her friend to finish her mutterings, she breathed in the night air. Eventually, Elizabeth joined her, plucking absently at the edges of her sweater. Like before, Teyla didn't speak, instead allowing Elizabeth to set her own pace for the conversation.

"I almost didn't think it was possible," Elizabeth began, arms taut around her middle. "John, Rodney, Ronon, you, Carson. I didn't think it was possible for you to be killed. Dumb luck or not…I don't know. Ford...well. Ford. I knew that it was possible. He showed that it was possible for bad things to happen to good people. But doctors? Teyla, doctors don't die." There was an acidic finality to the words, and a brief chill scurried down Teyla's back.

"They save lives. Sure, every life he saved was a testament to his strength. God only knows what would have happened if he wasn't here. He didn't stop to think what was possible; he went and saved people regardless of preconceived notions." There was a bitter laugh, "I gave up a little, you know? When Sheppard was turning into a Wraith _thing_. I said to myself 'well, that's it, isn't it? It was a nice run, but your John wouldn't do that to you, would he' and I tried to go through the motions, dammit! I tried so hard and all I could see was the fear and shock in his eyes and even though he was giving up on himself, I felt that I couldn't let him go even though a part of me was screaming to run away and hide. Carson never gave up. He told us how things really were, what was possible because he couldn't believe otherwise." The tears started, rolling down her cheeks, flowing over her jaw line and meeting in the hollow of her throat, and not a thing was done to stop it.

"But that was just one time. So many times, and he always said to be prepared for the worst while not giving an inch himself, and around him things were a little bit brighter." She trembled and her voice dropped to a whisper.

"But the worst part of it all is that I'm so jealous. Spiteful, hateful, whatever you want to call it. I wish that it wasn't Carson that died. It should have been Dr. Cole, Dr. Biro, someone. It was his day off, and because he couldn't stop being _him _he just had to go and save him. _I hate him!_" Elizabeth shrieked, raw pain forcing Teyla to blink away tears as her emotional pain made it hard to breath. "And I hate you, too! You and Ronon, who seem to able to hold it together, while I can't seem to stop crying for two damn minutes, and yet I can't stand to see Rodney and John like this. I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm so, _so, sorry_!"

Teyla cradled Elizabeth, both women sobbing openly and without restraint. They cried away their pain, their misery, their sorrow and their fear. They cried until they had nothing left to expel then slowly fell silent.

The rustling of the trees, the water lapping against the shore, the cool night calmed their flushed faces. They drew out of the embrace, leaning against one another, snuffling pathetically through clogged noses and wiping at puffy eyes.

"How do you do it?" Elizabeth asked without looking at Teyla. Her chin quivered for a moment.

Teyla's voice was so quiet it was almost lost. "I still feel a great sadness. And I will _always_ cry for Carson, I think. It would not be possible otherwise. However, we Athosians," Teyla paused, considering her words carefully, "We Athosians have always lived under the hand of the Wraith. We understand that life can be fleeting, so it is necessary to live life to its fullest. Yes, I'm afraid for Atlantis. Yes, Carson put us back together in more ways than one, and we never appreciated him enough. Yes, things will be tough, but he is not truly gone. We," Teyla struggled for a moment before saying, "I loved him as I would love a brother. I respected his reasoning for staying. I couldn't…I wouldn't try to change his decision, because had he not stayed, I would have lost some respect for him. He knew what was best. He…" Teyla tried to say more, but fell silent. "I'm not done mourning him," she finished, "I just know in my heart that I accept what he did, without 'strings attached'," she stumbled over the Milky Way phrase, but her arms tightened briefly around Elizabeth. "It is hard to explain."

"I don't know if I can accept it yet," Elizabeth murmured.

"That's alright. You will take steps forward and steps backward," Teyla's brow creased and she considered her next words. "But just don't stop trying. Carson would not have wanted that for us."

Silence returned, and just when Teyla was beginning to believe that Elizabeth had fallen asleep, she heard a small, but strong, "Thank you."

And in the darkness, Teyla smiled.

--------------------

Rodney awoke the next morning in a haze of bleariness that wouldn't cease. He rubbed his eyes once, then twice in an effort to clear them of residue but to no avail.

He slumped back into bed, moaning his displeasure with the untimely arrival of the morning. However, as events caught up with him, he realized that his body should be in agony right now from falling asleep on the lab table again. Heaven knows he'd done it often enough to know what to expect.

However, Rodney was in his bed and with _no _idea of how he got there.

Not a great way to start the morning, for the record.

Rodney got his eyes to focus, and sure enough, he was in his own room, with everything exactly as his left it. The only exception was the fact that his laptop was sitting on the corner of his desk. If nothing else, it said that Rodney hadn't gotten here under the will of his own two feet. Had he been carrying the laptop, no matter how tired he was, he would have set it so that nothing short of someone entering his room and smashing it on the floor could damage the laptop.

It also narrowed down who had brought him back to his rooms.

Kusanagi, Radek, really any of the scientists would have either left his laptop completely alone or carefully brought it back and set it where no harm could come to it. That narrowed it down to John, Ronon or Teyla. Seeing as Ronon or Teyla probably would have left his laptop untouched in his private lab, there was only one choice.

It took Rodney forever to locate his radio. He wasn't sure if it had fallen out in the lab, on the trip over or was still located in his room, and his temper was still frayed from his groggy awakening. Just when he was about to lose it, he found it buried near the bottom of the bed under all of the sheets. Without stopping to ponder how it had made its way there, Rodney inserted the earpiece into his ear and snapped, "Sheppard!"

"_I'm a little busy,_" Sheppard replied back a few seconds, audibly swallowing something. "_Running a little late, aren't we?_"

Rodney didn't bother rising to the bait; he had bigger concerns. "Did you take me back to my room? And did you touch my laptop?"

"_Don't worry,_" Sheppard replied smoothly. "_I saved and closed everything before I brought it back to your room._"

"What do you mean, saved everything?"

The beat of silence did nothing to ease Rodney's growing suspicion. He had thought that he had closed out of all his sheet music, but his brain wasn't running up to speed. When John still didn't answer, Rodney's panic and annoyance shot up, "Sheppard!" he half-growled, half shouted into the mike.

"_Ummmm…perhaps you would want to discuss this someplace private?_"

Rodney's eye twitched. "So _now _you've decided to practice safety and discretion? How many times have I told you not to touch my laptop!"

"_Seriously, Rodney. Meet me in ten minutes in your lab, alright?_"

Sheppard was off before Rodney ever realized that John had never answered Rodney's question of 'saved everything'?

God help him if John had seen the music. Rodney could imagine the taunts now, and they only blackened his mood as he tossed on the first items of clothing that came to his hand, storming out of his room and scattering the people in front of him as easily as Moses parted the Red Sea.

John was already waiting for him, every line of his body tense. Clearly he hadn't forgotten his comments in the infirmary either, and at the moment it was _not _helping his case any.

"_What did you see_?" Rodney hissed, frigid ire and pain coating his words. "_What did you see on my laptop_!?"

John yanked Rodney into the lab, shutting the door behind them, before saying defensively, "Rodney, all I did was save and shut off your stuff. It's not a big deal."

Rodney wasn't going to be calmed, though, "_And the music_?" he spat out icily. When John winced, all of Rodney suspicions were found true. Panic set in, and adrenaline was released, sending his heart into a thumping frenzy.

John turned away from him, and it was the last straw for Rodney. All his rage for the man coalesced into a hot sun that burned under his breastbone. He opened his mouth, running on fumes and grief and pain and so many other feelings that were impossible to name.

"It was amazing."

He was still faced away, and his voice was a rough quiet that Rodney hadn't heard before. Derailed, Rodney was momentarily at a loss for words, unintentionally allowing John to continue. "Whatever I was expecting, it wasn't that. It made things a little clearer, a little brighter, Rodney. It's the first time that I think you've ever really expressed yourself the way normal people do."

"And you're normal?" Rodney scoffed, seeing as it was the only response he could formulate.

John turned back, lean figure dark and foreboding. "No, Rodney," he said softly. "I'm not. I'm not handling this well. I haven't been handling this well. I'm out of those little boxes to put these disasters in. But your music…Rodney, if you wanted to, I bet you could be making millions in the music industry right now. Do you know why? Because it was passionate, and it helped me see things a little bit clearer. It brightened the world, if only momentarily."

"But…but…" Rodney was a gaping fish.

John interrupted once more, fully facing Rodney. "And I'm sorry. God, Rodney I don't know what I was thinking in the infirmary. I was just so angry at you, at me, at everything. I'm really, _really, _sorry."

The apology hung in the air.

John bit his lip, the timidity of which Rodney was unaccustomed to seeing in the Colonel.

"Rodney, I think everyone in Atlantis deserves to hear what you composed. I don't think I've heard it expressed better in any other way. Would you consider playing it here, as a tribute to Carson's memory?"

--------------------

TBC


	9. A Due

And so we've come to the final chapter in Imperfect Order. I thank you all, for your support and reviews and alerts and so on. I hope that this chapter doesn't fail to disappoint!

The only other thing of note is the fact that this story actually has a companion one-shot called Clean Grief, which I hope you'll check out. Even though it's not centered in Stargate Atlantis, it's such a close parallel that I'm going to put it under it anyways. Thanks!

And without further comments…ENJOY!!!

**Imperfect Order**

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**A due: A return to unison after divisi**

Elizabeth and Teyla's retrieval from the Athosian settlement went without a hitch. Everything was packed in a calm and efficient manner, the craft being piloted by Major Lorne.

He spoke about the news from home with an easy smile that simply made it natural to smile back. Elizabeth had been worried, two years ago, when they brought Major Lorne back on the Daedalus. They hadn't been sure how well he would fit into the relaxed hierarchy that existed under the newly made Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard. The time spent in worry, however, was ill spent, for Major Lorne easily flourished. He had an inherent respect for every geek on Atlantis, having come from the SGC where Colonel Samantha Carter had saved both Earth and the galaxy more than a fair number of times. This made his handling of the most temperamental scientist on Atlantis- McKay- easier than it was for others; a mixture of sarcasm, dry wit, knowledge and iron will kept McKay on task and kept others from attempting homicide.

However, whenever a mention of either the astrophysicist or the usual counterpart name of John Sheppard, Major Lorne sat a little straighter, spoke a little vaguer, and carefully didn't mention the most current of events.

Before Elizabeth had the chance to press for details, Lorne was dialing the gate and inputting his IDC. Elizabeth and Teyla snapped their radios back into place just in time to hear a mortally weary voice say, "_Lower the shield_." Elizabeth took a second to recognize the voice as John's and exchanged a confused look with Teyla.

What wasn't Major Lorne telling them?

The man clammed up the instant he heard the voice. It was no use pressing for details, but Elizabeth realized she'd be able to pester John for answers soon enough, and let Lorne slide for the moment. Besides, the man would never disobey his superior in that manner.

They disembarked in the puddlejumper bay under the dim glow of late evening, where several of the Marines and Air Force ready to unload all the equipment. Unsurprisingly, Kate Heightmeyer was also there, patiently leaning against the wall. Teyla and Elizabeth disengaged themselves from all the cheerful welcome backs, and walked over to greet the woman.

"Hello," Kate greeted first, smiling broadly. "How was vacation? It looks like you got some color back," there was a light emphasis on 'some', making it sound like Elizabeth had passed some sort of test, but still had work to do.

"There's something to be said for a stress free environment," Elizabeth admitted, with a wry twist to her lips. "How were things around here?"

Kate got a little shifty around the eyes, "Things have been…interesting, around here, especially the last couple hours."

The pause did nothing to relieve Elizabeth's anxiety over the state of affairs in Atlantis. "What's going on?" she demanded.

"Colonel Sheppard and Dr. McKay have had a…row."

"A row," Elizabeth asked flatly. "Why am I not surprised?" _Naturally, when I decided to take a vacation, things go to hell in a handbasket._ "What is it over?" That was the one nice thing about arguments between John and Rodney. Between the two of them, it would be easy enough for Earth to hear what they were shouting over, let alone the population of Atlantis.

"That's just it," Kate's voice lowered to a conspiratorial whisper. "No one knows."

Teyla leaned in, looking astounded. "No one has heard anything?" she whispered, making the gathering sound more and more like a gossip session at every moment.

The sealing maneuver what when Kate flicked her hair over her shoulder, and informed Teyla and Elizabeth that they would just have to go see Sheppard themselves.

A brief discussion later and Teyla agreed to see what Rodney and Ronon had to offer in terms of knowledge while Elizabeth made her way to the gate room, where she was told John had taken refuge in his office.

Elizabeth stopped briefly to request that all her belongings be dropped off outside her room, reassuring all the military personnel that she would be perfectly fine putting her belongings back inside her room.

For the first time in weeks, Elizabeth felt that she could meet the slightly pitying gaze of those around her. Not all had it, but those who did no longer made Elizabeth carefully avoid their eyes. Today she met the eyes of those around her with confidence.

_It's nice to know that talking with Teyla helped at least a little bit_, Elizabeth thought as she climbed the steps to her office. She returned Chuck's wave and then peered inside the glass windows of her office, catching sight of the unruly shock of dark hair that could only belong to one person.

Opening the door, she frowned a little in confusion when John didn't lift his head. "Knock knock," she announced, rapping on the door loudly.

"I'm awake! I'm awake!" John's head shot off, paper stuck to his cheek, eyes wild and nearly toppled off the chair.

It has been said that the reason one cannot stop laughing is due to a build-up in the endorphins in the brain; once you start, the flow cannot be stopped until the endorphins subside to a manageable level.

Elizabeth couldn't remember the last time she laughed.

You may draw your own conclusions from those statements.

John looked offended at Elizabeth's outburst in a lost, meandering sort of way, and once Elizabeth had calmed herself, she was able to take in the worn features, and the messier than normal hair, the fact that John was huddled in his jacket despite the comfortable temperature. The paper had fluttered off his cheek, but fresh ink was still inscribed on the flesh, overall giving the man the appearance of a half-starved, maniacal writer on the edge.

"John, are you all right?" Elizabeth asked, taken aback by the tired appearance.

John grimaced. "Would you believe that I've had the worst possible day of my life?" He fired back, voice clear and authoritative but layered with annoyance.

"Yes."

"Alright then. We're on the same page."

"What are you and Rodney arguing about this time, John?" Elizabeth pressed with no small amount of trepidation when John didn't say anything further, more interested in cleaning the ink off of his face.

"_John_."

John snapped to attention. He'd learned to over the years, because Elizabeth did not, would not, _could not_ tolerate the inclination to disregard her orders. In return, Elizabeth took his thoughts into careful consideration.

"Yes?" something lit in his eyes and skittered away before Elizabeth could understand. Uncertainty…?

"What happened today?" An icy note entered Elizabeth's voice, the irritation that had suffused while she was with the Athosians coming back, with more guilt to boot. _Am I being too hard on him? _she wondered.

John dithered for a moment, but he reached a decision, and whatever had happened to him was shed like a dead skin. He stood, and Elizabeth's breath caught as the iron steel beneath the fun exterior was revealed. John looked better than he had in months, full of confidence and life. Elizabeth felt a tide of relief and happiness crash over her, but she couldn't imagine anything that could have possibly made John change so radically in so short a time.

John motioned secretly, discreetly, for Elizabeth to come closer. "The only reason I still have this is because it hasn't left my sight."

He rummaged on the desk with one hand and brought up what appeared to be a blank disk. He wiggled it a little bit and Elizabeth raised an eyebrow, inquisitiveness overruling everything else. "A CD?" she asked.

John raised a hand to forestall any more questions. "Something like that."

The colonel led the doctor over to his laptop, which was precariously balanced on the corner of Elizabeth's desk.

John turned the screen away from Elizabeth's view, loading the CD with an impatient click and clicking rapidly away on the computer. John checked the side, a frown marring his face when he couldn't find what he was looking for and ran his fingers along the other side, frown smoothing out as he did something on the side. Drawing up Elizabeth's chair and leaving the woman to sit opposite him, he asked, "Ready?"

Elizabeth gave him a sharp nod.

Whatever she was expecting, it wasn't this.

It was just music.

However, it was just music the way Mozart was just a composer, or Jane Austen was just an author, or George Washington was just a president. Just the thought of this music irrevocably brought to light a multitude of other feelings. It seemed inherent. It was just pretty the same was the Leonardo da Vinci was just an artist.

That is to say, it was beyond description.

It began with a simply melody that Elizabeth would recognize anywhere. It was practically burned into her brain from the first time she had heard of the tradition of Scottish ballads being played at funerals. It was sheer happenstance that there was a member of Atlantis that played the bagpipes, but it had made all the difference at _the_ funeral.

Before Elizabeth had time to breath, the music became infinitely more complex, in a singularly unnamable way. She didn't know music; Elizabeth only knew that the harsh notes resolved in a beautifully unexpected way that naturally led to the next notes. She only knew that the melody was always becoming more, always. Depth was added to the music, making it a personality to be loved and cherished.

Elizabeth's eyes burned as her mind put the pieces together.

Once she did so, the music was even more profound. A series of notes that was descending was Carson's chuckle at the latest failed attempt to escape the infirmary. A few soft high notes threaded in were the kindness that was always there, even when the Scot was at his wits end, trying to save the world one person at a time. The competing notes in another section were the good doctor's morality and brilliance.

After a certain point, the music stopped being music. It _became _Carson, with all his faults and follies, words and wisdom. It was something alive, something that blessed, something that was so natural it filled the hole in Elizabeth heart and let her weep without fear of incrimination, without worries, without justification.

The tune began to simplify, further and further until the last notes rang out, soft and sweet, a haunting echo of the beginning of the piece.

John didn't say anything as Elizabeth dried the rest of her tears and gathered her newfound peace. "Rodney wrote that, didn't he." It was a statement of fact, and John's nod was only a formality.

"I went to apologize to him last night, late. Instead I found him dead asleep on the tabletop, computer sitting in front of him. I figured I'd help him off to bed. I figured he'd be easier to talk to if he wasn't cranky enough to bite even a Wraith's head off," a tiny flush rose at the admission, "so I helped him off to his bed. Didn't even wake up fully, Rodney was so tired. Then I realized I left his laptop in his lap. He's so protective of the thing, so I figured I should take it back into his room." John took a deep breath. "Whatever I was expecting to find on that computer, it wasn't the music. I didn't even know he knew how to _read _music, let alone _compose _anything. Especially…especially like this."

Elizabeth's entire focus was on the story unfolding in front of her. She was barely stirring. "So I stole a copy. Took some blank disks to download the program and the music…Elizabeth, all of it's like that. Rodney's been composing music. _Our _Rodney," John added, as if he had to clarify that there wasn't another genius named Rodney running around.

They sat in silence, absorbing what had been said, evaluating their feelings, and wondering what to do next.

"Is this why I've been told that you and Rodney were arguing?" Elizabeth finally asked, trying to get the whole story.

"So you heard already. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, considering how today has gone."

"Oh?" Elizabeth prodded curiously.

"Rodney didn't remember that he had left it open before he fell asleep. That or he didn't care, seeing as he probably thought no one would dare to disturb him. When he realized that I must've helped him back to his rooms…" the hesitation said more than words could. Elizabeth realized that Rodney probably wasn't confident with his music, or else he would have boasted about it long before now. For John to take some music while Rodney was unawares probably was a bitter pill to swallow.

"And?"

"I apologized. I apologized for being a selfish, stupid bastard in the infirmary, for allowing myself get so self-absorbed that I forgot that just because I tried to put Carson's death in a box didn't mean it was going to happen."

Elizabeth waited for the other shoe to drop.

"And then I told him that all of Atlantis deserved to hear his music. I asked if he would play it."

Elizabeth smiled pleasantly. "So let me get this straight. You told him you stole music from him, something that he is clearly not comfortable with or else we'd all know he could play piano, after listening to it. You then apologized for being a 'selfish, stupid bastard' and without waiting to hear an acceptance, you asked for Rodney, _our _Rodney to bare his soul in form of this composition for all of Atlantis."

"Yes, but it sounds so much worse when you say it like that."

Whatever Elizabeth was expecting, it wasn't the carefree and flippant answer that she received. The answer was reminiscent of another John, one before Carson's death. Still keeping her voice pleasant, she asked, "Why?"

The smile dropped from John's face, features taking on a serious cast. "Be serious, Elizabeth. Don't tell me you didn't feel that for _once_, you finally felt like you could go on living after listening to that song, when before you felt like you were barely hanging on. Don't tell me that you don't want everyone to feel the passion and brilliance that is in the song. Don't you _dare _tell me that Rodney isn't completely genius is something so unexpected it is refreshing and amazing and it soothes the bitter grief. Don't tell me any of that, because I won't believe it," he told her, voice growing strong if a little bitter towards the end. The bitterness ebbed out, leaving only stark hope in its place. "We need to convince him to share this."

"What did he do when you asked him before?" Elizabeth queried. She had seen John's crazed appearance, and wanted desperately to know what had put in the state.

"Ah, yes. Well, that's when things went to hell in a hand basket, to be honest. Rodney was in no way, shape, or form interested, and he decided to inform me of that in the strongest language possible. Cursing may have been involved. When I refused to give back the music I had, err, appropriated from Rodney's laptop, well, he swore revenge."

"Revenge." Only Elizabeth could so eloquently turn a word into both a question and flat disbelief.

"I've been doused with ice cold water three times today, all under mysterious circumstances. I've been locked outside the gym, inside the gym, inside my bathroom. I've was called down to the labs five times in two hours and electrocuted three of those five times. If Ronon hadn't swiped my sandwich, it would probably be me that would be feeling the effect of the laxatives that were shoved inside. Shall I continue?"

"Rodney did all that!?"

"No. I don't know what story he's told the other scientists, but they must be in on it because Rodney wasn't anywhere near the commissary today. Dr. Z, Dr. Parrish, and Dr. Richards were, however. And all jostled me in line while having a huge loud argument in various foreign languages."

Elizabeth took this revelation in silence. "Does Ronon know?"

John shook his head. "Not yet. I didn't get the chance to tell him before, but afterwards, he wasn't exactly in possession of a pleasant disposition. Besides, I figured I would show it to Teyla and Ronon at once."

For spur of the moment bullshitting, it was quite clever. Elizabeth didn't believe for an instance that John had been planning to show them unless her reaction was a good one. However, Elizabeth let it pass, simply nodding her head in acquiescence. Turning away slightly, Elizabeth tapped her radio, and asked, "Teyla, this is Dr. Weir. Where are you?"

"_I am in the infirmary with Ronon. I was told he had a run in with some laxatives._"

"That's one way to put it," John muttered under his breath, glowering a little bit.

Elizabeth sent him the universal look for 'shut up' before returning to her conversation with the Athosian. "Have you gone to see Rodney yet?"

"_No, Elizabeth. I have not. Should I have?_"

"No, no, no," Elizabeth hastened to assure Teyla. "Actually, could you stay right there? We have something to discuss with you and Ronon."

"_We as in John and yourself?_"

"Yes."

"_Alright. I shall expect to see you shortly_."

"I think that's our cue to exit," Elizabeth gestured to the waiting doorway. "If we're going to convince Rodney, we're going to need all the help we can get."

The smile John shot her was warm, wolfish, and had been unseen for to long a time. "I was hoping you'd say that."

--------------------

It took just a minute or two to play Rodney's song for Ronon and Carson.

It took just a minute for them to agree.

Once they had agreed, John's grin disappeared and a more serious look came over his face. "You have to understand," he began solemnly, "that Rodney will not be happy. He is not happy, as a matter of fact, and will probably do whatever necessary to bring revenge down on our heads until he feels that we have suffered enough. Which, at this rate, might not be for a couple thousand years. Are you still willing?" John held each gaze steady, and no one looked away.

"Alright. This is the attack plan. Tomorrow, as soon as Rodney's presence is confirmed in the labs, we're going to head down. Ronon, it'll be your job to watch the door. Let nothing in or out. Teyla, if he gets too angry, it will be your job to calm him so he doesn't do anything rash or exceptionally stupid. Elizabeth, you're going to try to reason with him. Explain your feelings, why you want to do this, all that jazz. And me?" John left it hanging in the air as he cracked his knuckles, "I'm going to do what I do best. Be myself." John shot a winning smile to his friends…to his family.

"We'll get him to play the piano if it's the last thing we do!"

The amazed and confused voice behind them turned their heads like a whip crack.

"Rodney plays piano!?"

Dr. Jennifer Keller, Dr. Radek Zelenka, and Dr. Katie Brown were unable to keep their mouths from opening and closing like fish.

John, Elizabeth, Teyla and Ronon didn't respond much better. Silence filled the area as mouths gaped openly until finally Elizabeth managed to say, with a mere hint of squeak in her voice, "What are you doing here?"

Both Katie and Radek flushed, looking anywhere but at Ronon. "I fear our, ummmm, pranks, may have…errrr…gotten out of hand," Radek finally said, pushing up his glasses nervously. "We came to apologize. The sandwich was not meant for Ronon. But since when does Rodney play the piano?" He persisted, leaning forward and narrowing his eyes.

"You were the ones responsible?" John shot back, both outraged and amused. He had never pegged Dr. Z _and _Dr. Brown as two who would enact pranks like that.

The blush was telling enough, but Radek was like a dog with a bone. "What is this about Rodney playing piano?" He demanded again.

John shot a questioning looked towards those already in on it. Ronon shrugged, leaving the decision up to John, as did Elizabeth. Teyla nodded firmly, and John thought for a moment.

"Fine," he said reluctantly. "It goes a little something like this…"

--------------------

"Alright, which one of you is trying to hide your preschool level intelligence, hmm? If you tell me right now, I'll be sure to make sure you get the mashed carrots and not the strained peas. I'll even throw in a high chair for free!" Rodney stalked in front of the cowering scientists with a mad gleam in his eye. "I mean, did you even look at these equations other than in the dark when you made them up? And since the village idiot can't even put his own name on his work, I'm left to unscramble the mess left in your wake!"

"Or her," one of the male scientists piped up, only to return to abject terror when Rodney turned a scathing glare upon him.

"Regardless of the gender, this work is absolute crap! I don't care what Zelenka has told you, but this work is so far below standard you will see it coming from the other side! And-"

"Oh, Rodney! Look what I've got!" John sing-songed from the doorway, easily interrupting the astrophysicist mid-rant and calling all attention in the room to himself. He enticingly waved what appeared to most to be a blank CD, but from Rodney's reaction was anything but.

"_Give that back!_" Rodney ground out, steel and fire in his voice. Unimpressed, John grinned widely, raising an eyebrow. "Come and get it!" he dared, and ran off like the devil was after him.

Rodney had increased his level of fitness since he became a member of SGA-1. However, a slightly pudginess remained despite all attempts by John to erase it. As a result, Rodney was still unable to hold a candle to John's endurance, let alone that of Teyla or Ronon. So despite his best efforts, it was easy for John to stay just ahead of Rodney, close enough to scream and curse at, but not near enough to pummel to a bloody pulp.

Chest heaving, legs churning, arms pumping, Rodney still pressed his body to run harder. If chasing down Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard was all it took, then by God Rodney was going to do it. Reaching an arm out as far as it would go; he brushed the back of John's jacked just as the soldier rounded the corner. Rodney heard a stilted curse and heard the pace of John's steps increase. Gasping out a furious curse, Rodney tried to catch up. John pulled away, the distance growing ever wider. The stitch in his side was growing to the level of mind-blowing pain, and he was on the verge of giving up when John plunged down a corridor that Rodney knew for a fact was a dead end.

He raced down the hallway, shoes thundering on the metal flooring and John made one last turn, disappearing into a room. Rodney followed him…

…Right into the pitch black of the absolute dark. Rodney turned quickly, attempting to flee the darkness, but a hand was passed over the opening mechanism, and it slid shut, leaving Rodney in the darkness with no idea what was going on.

He took a few minutes to calm his heaving chest, holding his stitch and trying not to throw up. He hadn't run that hard in at least three months.

"Al…right…what…do…you…want?" Rodney said between gulping huge mouthfuls of air. Sweat poured down his forehead, and wiping it away did nothing to stem the flow.

The lights flickered on, and he was surrounded.

Ronon was stationed at the door to prevent the scientist from leaving, Teyla relaxed at his side. Dr. Keller and Elizabeth stood off to the left, Katie and Radek to the right. Right in front of him and barely breathing hard was John, figure coiled and intense.

Rodney's voice was low, but echoed slightly in the spacious room.

"What are you doing?"

John flashed him a bright smile, but didn't lose that tense coil. "We're here to convince you that you should play this." He shook the CD.

Rodney twitched. "No," he shot back flatly. "What I do with my music is my business."

"You're right." Elizabeth agreed, and Rodney turned to her in surprise. She shook her head. "But we have listened to it. And Rodney, you have to understand. What you managed to put it music was beyond just notes. It was…well. It was as if Carson was with us again."

"You're mistaken, it's not-"

"But it is," Teyla interrupted, and Rodney twirled, feeling beset on all sides. "What you did was greater that you imagine. How can we describe how it helped us, if you deny its worth? Rodney, I don't know if you understand-"

"No!" Rodney cried. "You listen to me! You don't understand what that music means to me, or why I did it!"

"So explain it."

Everyone turned to Ronon in shock. "E-explain it?" Rodney squeaked blankly.

"Yeah. If you explain it, we can tell you why you're wrong and why you should play it," Ronon told the astrophysicist, making it sound obvious.

Rodney set his chin mulishly. "You know what? Fine!" Rodney snapped. "I started playing piano at three years old, because my parents didn't have enough patience with me to do anything else. I played until I was twelve, and had aspirations to become a world famous pianist until my teacher told me I should quit. A fine clinical player he said, but no sense of the art whatsoever. By that time, things were so bad at home that I stopped playing for six years. I turned to science because I thought it would be different. It wasn't an art, I thought, though I was wrong. I didn't start playing again until I was almost done grad school. The choir's pianist was sick, and they were begging for someone, anyone that knew the piece. I learned it in three hours, and played it that night. I didn't stop playing again until my first year here. However, when the Daedalus started making regular supply runs, I blackmailed Novak into getting me Finale, a music program. I…well, the first year I was here, Carson told me about how he missed piano music. I thought that, I don't know, I could let him listen to it or something on the computer." Rodney trailed off into silence, and nothing could be heard but his breathing. He heaved a sigh and then continued. "I couldn't do it. All I could think about was my piano teacher, his response. I thought that if I couldn't play others music well, how in the hell was anyone going to appreciate my music." Schooling his face, Rodney shrugged, though to his friends it was clear that he had given the abridged version; he spoke nothing of the heartbreak or long hours of indecision, nor of his grief and hope.

"You're piano teacher didn't know what he was he was talking about," Katie and Dr. Keller surprised the room by talking in unison, albeit unintentionally. Shooting grins at one another, their comment was followed by Radek's voice.

"Prideful, annoying, yes. But does not belittle work, yes? What was it you say to me…ah. Yes. 'Passion cannot always outweigh brains, but it helps.'" Rodney flushed and tried to deny it, but Radek wasn't done. "You have passion, is true. But you cannot let one person's opinion be all persons opinion. Together we are seven, yes? And we all say it is good music. And even you can see that seven is bigger than one."

Rodney couldn't find an argument for Radek's pronouncement, and sensing weakness, John went in for the final push.

"Rodney, all we're asking is that you play this once for everyone. In that piece of music, you voiced all that was good about Carson. And everyone mourning deserves to hear it." John's lips quirked into a half-smile. "We'll even let you keep the piano afterwards."

Rodney closed his eyes, internal battle clear. "I don't know if it's good enough. I don't know if I can get through this."

John inhaled at the raw pain that suffused Rodney's voice. "Rodney, you're not alone. We're all in the same boat as you. Look around you. Everyone person in this room has been altered by your music. You've got a gift, Rodney. God, just use it."

Rodney swayed in his spot, emotions playing freely across his face. Grief, indecision, pain and doubt warred with hope. The battle was decided, and Rodney opened his eyes. Voice dry, he murmured, "Fine. But I'm doing this on _my _terms."

--------------------

"Guess what I've got!" John babbled excitedly, rushing into the room. In his hands bounced a large cardboard box, which was filled with many small paper packages. Underneath was a medium sized black device complete with microphone.

The room was the size of a small amphitheater, though it wasn't open to the clear Lantean sky. Few people bustled around inside, for few were allowed into Rodney's newest domain.

The scientist himself was half inside a large, vaguely rectangular object. Radek was on the floor next to him, pouring over the detailed plans on how to build a piano. "Radek!" Rodney's muffled voice called from beneath the grand piano's lid. "Give me that wrench, would you? I'm almost done the backing to the last couple of keys.

Radek rolled his eyes, but obligingly handed his boss the proper piece of equipment and clucked his tongue when he heard a string of curses. "I told you that you should not use size seven bolts. I say, will be too small for wrench…" he trailed off, catching John's amused gaze, his eyes alighting on the box in the Colonel's hands.

"Rodney! Rodney! The strings have just arrived from the Daedalus!" Radek crowed, rushing over to examine the last component to the grand piano.

Rodney's terms for playing his song, of course, was that he would build the piano himself and record a version for Carson's family. The terms were agreed to enthusiastically and quickly, and plans began almost immediately. Rodney and Radek began designing the piano. John and Elizabeth used their collective weight to get the supplies; wood, piano string, recording machines, etc. Ronon and Teyla keep everything under wraps until the big reveal. Dr. Keller and Katie were the runners, bringing food for the busy scientists as well as helping to arrange the room so all of Atlantis could comfortably fit inside.

The actions brought them closer together, binding emotional wounds, staving off grief, and allowing the friends to move on. They could never forget Carson; it was physically impossible, but they could learn to cope, to adjust.

All were present as Rodney and Radek rushed around the piano, hooking up the strings and tuning them appropriately. The final strings were perfectly pitched, and as one group the turned to Rodney. The man paled and tried to bluster his way out of testing the instrument, but was faced by iron on all sides. Hands shaking nervously, he seated himself on the instrument, and with a sudden movement began a series of deceptively simple scales.

There was a pause so short that it was easily missed if you blinked, and Rodney began playing a song that nearly everyone in the room recognized, whether they knew it dimly in the dark recesses of the mind or knew as well as their name.

"Moonlight Sonata," Katie breathed at the end of it, and in the space between on heartbeat and the next, the clapping began. It wasn't loud, but it didn't have to be. It was passionate, grateful and pleased.

"Yup," John said as if it were natural. "He was definitely wrong."

Rodney didn't say thank you, but his expression made things clear enough.

--------------------

Rodney paced across the span of his room. Back and forth, and back and forth. Along with everything else he owed Carson, he owed the doctor for letting him understand why Sam had been so pissed at him years ago, insisting that Teal'c could not be dead. He hadn't understood at the time, blinded by apathy. Though long overdue, he owed the woman some apology for all the things that he had done to her. Something was needed, but what?

Neuron's connected in a flash of inspiration. Sitting in front of his desk, he twirled a pen in his fingers. Hesitation for the right words made him pause, but he composed his thoughts, and scrawled down what he hoped would make some small amends for his mistakes. He owed it to Carson, and to Sam.

_I'm sure this comes too little to late, but I thought I would write it anyways. I'm sure you remember when Teal'c was stuck in the Stargate, and I told you that there was no hope. I thought for a minute you were going to punch me for saying that, and for the first time I understand why. It was never about what was possible. Teal'c was family. I'm sorry I didn't see that earlier. I'm sorry I didn't _understand _it earlier. So, Sam, I'm sorry. Really, really sorry._

_I finally get why you didn't give up._

_Rodney_

He frowned at the note, praying that it would make Sam think a little better of the arrogant scientists that had left the Milky Way. He folded it up and put it near the blank CD onto which he was going to record his song for Carson's family. He owed them an apology too, but it wasn't right to send a note. For now, the music was going to have to suffice as a start.

He should have just gone on the fishing trip.

And no, he wouldn't ever forgive himself.

But…but. But that didn't mean he could change things. Even the great Rodney McKay couldn't turn back time, though he wished to often- and bitterly- enough. With a sigh, he slammed the pen on the table and stripped down to his boxers in preparation for trying to get some sleep. The big day was tomorrow, after all.

Torn between bitter grief and the dawning hope, Rodney got little sleep that night.

--------------------

The air had a touch of coolness, but nothing could stop the masses from congregating in the amphitheater. Whispered rumors flowed across the hall, becoming more convoluted with each telling. The piano was tucked under a blanket, shielding it from sight.

Captain Lyczmanenko and Lieutenant Cadman made sure to get front row seats.

As everyone filed in, the room was filled with a muted roar. Once everyone was seated, John, who had been sitting in the center with Teyla, Ronon, Elizabeth, Dr. Keller, Katie, Radek and Rodney, stood and faced he masses.

"Thank you for coming today. I'll keep this short, since I know that everyone has jobs to get back to." John waited until the rustling could barely be heard, and began again. "What Dr. Weir said was right. Carson Beckett is a man sorely missed, and though every life he saved was a testament to the good doctor, sometimes heroes deserve a little bit more. In that spirit, one of our own composed a song for Carson Beckett. It is a memorial to his memory, aptly titled 'Scottish Fire'." A chuckled raced around the room before its occupants settled down once more. "So thank you for being here to support Carson."

Seating himself once more, John motioned for Elizabeth, Dr. Keller, Katie, Radek, Ronon and Teyla to draw the cover away from the piano.

Polished teak gleamed in the sunlight, dark color accenting the pale blue keys that had been carefully cut from Ancient crystals that were broken beyond all repair. The lifted lid revealed the coiled metallic piano strings that stretched across the interior. Beneath the body were the pedals, also made of ruined Ancient crystals.

A collective murmur rose in the room as Elizabeth, Dr. Keller, Katie, Radek, Ronon and Teyla seated themselves, leaving all attention riveted on Dr. Meredith Rodney McKay.

He stood, but his shoulders were still a little hunched over, shielding himself from imagined scorn. His footsteps were thunderous in the still room, and there was a collective inhale as he sat down at the stool.

Like his friends, the room was instantly enchanted by the music.

It was different for each member of the audience; some believed that the soft melody was Carson's kindness. Others felt that the chords were his laughter, and still others believed that the strong passion that laced every note was its own story. They were all right, of course; there was no way to be wrong. Every member of the expedition was therefore helped in some small manner. They remembered how Carson had saved so many, how he was always ready to lend an ear, how he was selfless and had a sense of humor, how he was just so plain _good _in every sense of the word…

When the complexity of the song lessened, eventually resolving to a repetition of the beginning, there was a break of tension throughout the room. The clapping was instantaneous and filled every corner of the room, and few still had dry eyes. Rodney, flushing, bowed briefly and escaped the room to thunderous cheers.

--------------------

There isn't much more to share, it must be said. Things were far from perfect, of course, and it was only natural for it to be that way. However, sad as it is, grief fades and softens with time, until only fond sadness remains.

Katie and Rodney continued to date, Dr. Keller and Rodney continued their agreement. Elizabeth was no longer forced to deal with the constant aching sadness, and both she and Teyla often chatted of days gone by without rancor or pain. Ronon, as always bore whatever weight he was faced with well, but now allowed others further in his shell, reinforcing his bond with his friends. With his family. Radek and Rodney squabbled as much as ever. John's grief eased as well and he was able to regain more of his former good humor, though his personality would always be tinged with a touch more seriousness than he had before.

And the piano? Well, the only real thing to be done was to keep it.

Our story ends as Rodney was playing it once more. John lounged nearby with Katie, enjoying the peaceful atmosphere.

They were surprised to see Colonel Caldwell, Elizabeth and their teammates walk into the room carrying a nondescript cardboard package, not unlike what had been used for the piano strings.

Curiosity was alight in everyone's face and Rodney paused in his playing, saying irritably, "Yes?"

"I have a package here," Elizabeth began, face carefully schooled, but still showing laugh wrinkles around her eyes. "I package for you, Rodney…"

"Yes?" Rodney pushed, scowl marring his features.

"From Colonel Samantha Carter."

Rodney flew out of his seat, practically bowling everyone over in an attempt to get to the package. He flung off the brown wrapper, peering inside excitedly. What he saw surprised him. He pulled out eight books full of sheet music. Reverently, he placed them on the corner of the piano and opened the note that was set on top.

_Be strong, Answer Man. Oh, and by the way, welcome to the ranks of the artists._

_Sam_

Rodney's smile blossomed, and he hid the note from sight.

"Everything good, Rodney?" John drawled, smiling at him.

Rodney took a long look around him, at the smiling faces of his family. Yes, he was missing Carson. Yes, he was sad. Yes, yes, yes. Rodney looked at the note once more, and then met John's gaze head on.

"You know what?" he mused, rubbing his chin. "That just might be true."

--------------------

THE END!


End file.
